Overwhelmed

Lots of papers. Homework. Studying. Packing. Readjusting.

There's a lot to do in the next two weeks. So much that I think I need to spend every spare moment working on projects and such. And I'm starting to feel like I can't do it all. Like it's too much. And I know I need to rely on God, but it's like I can't stop thinking of my to-do list long enough to hear what he's saying, to register anything on that level.

But I have some things to say. I felt about to burst and now I have to be upfront about my anxieties.

This is the issue: I wonder if anyone will remember me. It's one thing to stay Facebook friends. It's one thing to remember a face, a name...a foreign country. But what does it mean to really remember someone? Did I really make an impact on anyone here, so much that they will miss me as much as I feel like I will miss them, will remember me as clearly as I think I will remember them?

There are a few Japanese people at Kansai Gaidai that I don't want to forget me. I don't think they can know me any better than I know them, which is not a lot, but I have this fear that they won't remember me at all. How many foreigners will my current Japanese friends come into contact before I return to Japan? How can I arrange to see someone the next time I go to Japan when we really know nothing about each other, I just have this idea that next time, next time I will know more Japanese or pick it up more quickly and we can actually become friends because we can talk about things like our true worries and emotions and thoughts that I have not been able to express by this point? How can I possibly make it clear to all these people that do really love them, even the ones I didn't talk to much?

This comes from my volleyball team, of course. One person I am particularly fond of rode the same train as me on the way home today. We talked about school and traveling and jobs as we have before, but it kills me that we couldn't say more. It kills me. I am feeling so smothered by my inability to communicate the closeness I feel toward people, something that I think comes from the sheer fact that we are on the same team. There is something really special about playing sports with the same people roughly every week--you don't have to really understand the words that are being said. It almost seems mystical to me now, the power of this team ethic or whatever it is that is able to form such strong bonds without knowing someone's "personal life", as it were.

But do any of them feel this way? Do they wonder if they have impacted me? Will we ever understand each other's motivations for becoming "friends" this semester? I hate to use quotation marks there but with some people I honestly don't know--will they miss me, will they remember? It's one thing to be wondering about whether people remember you after you're dead--especially as a writer--but what about now? I haven't even graduated college yet! And to be having to deal with 4 paper assignments, a Japanese skit, 2 Japanese finals plus an oral exam and a kanji quiz, and still having readings to do....while juggling such complex LIFE issues...it's too much. I can't do it. And I know who can. But this doesn't stop me thinking about this most important question (to me) at the moment: will they remember? Do they wonder the same about me? Are there people I am interested in that are disinterested in me the way I have been with my speaking partner, blaming not the communication barrier but assuming he's just 'not my type of person'? I mean SHIT what do I do with that?

I just...I just need help. I don't know how to cope. I'm not ready to leave Japan. I'm ready to go home not ready to leave Japan. How is that possible? God I pray that they remember. That we remember. That this isn't the end. Please. I can't handle that. I'll miss them so much.


Sometimes I just want to jump up and hug people. I might even do it, although a lot of Japanese people probably don't respond to that very well. I just feel like it's the only way to get my message across at this point. But will it even do that?