Overwhelmed

Lots of papers. Homework. Studying. Packing. Readjusting.

There's a lot to do in the next two weeks. So much that I think I need to spend every spare moment working on projects and such. And I'm starting to feel like I can't do it all. Like it's too much. And I know I need to rely on God, but it's like I can't stop thinking of my to-do list long enough to hear what he's saying, to register anything on that level.

But I have some things to say. I felt about to burst and now I have to be upfront about my anxieties.

This is the issue: I wonder if anyone will remember me. It's one thing to stay Facebook friends. It's one thing to remember a face, a name...a foreign country. But what does it mean to really remember someone? Did I really make an impact on anyone here, so much that they will miss me as much as I feel like I will miss them, will remember me as clearly as I think I will remember them?

There are a few Japanese people at Kansai Gaidai that I don't want to forget me. I don't think they can know me any better than I know them, which is not a lot, but I have this fear that they won't remember me at all. How many foreigners will my current Japanese friends come into contact before I return to Japan? How can I arrange to see someone the next time I go to Japan when we really know nothing about each other, I just have this idea that next time, next time I will know more Japanese or pick it up more quickly and we can actually become friends because we can talk about things like our true worries and emotions and thoughts that I have not been able to express by this point? How can I possibly make it clear to all these people that do really love them, even the ones I didn't talk to much?

This comes from my volleyball team, of course. One person I am particularly fond of rode the same train as me on the way home today. We talked about school and traveling and jobs as we have before, but it kills me that we couldn't say more. It kills me. I am feeling so smothered by my inability to communicate the closeness I feel toward people, something that I think comes from the sheer fact that we are on the same team. There is something really special about playing sports with the same people roughly every week--you don't have to really understand the words that are being said. It almost seems mystical to me now, the power of this team ethic or whatever it is that is able to form such strong bonds without knowing someone's "personal life", as it were.

But do any of them feel this way? Do they wonder if they have impacted me? Will we ever understand each other's motivations for becoming "friends" this semester? I hate to use quotation marks there but with some people I honestly don't know--will they miss me, will they remember? It's one thing to be wondering about whether people remember you after you're dead--especially as a writer--but what about now? I haven't even graduated college yet! And to be having to deal with 4 paper assignments, a Japanese skit, 2 Japanese finals plus an oral exam and a kanji quiz, and still having readings to do....while juggling such complex LIFE issues...it's too much. I can't do it. And I know who can. But this doesn't stop me thinking about this most important question (to me) at the moment: will they remember? Do they wonder the same about me? Are there people I am interested in that are disinterested in me the way I have been with my speaking partner, blaming not the communication barrier but assuming he's just 'not my type of person'? I mean SHIT what do I do with that?

I just...I just need help. I don't know how to cope. I'm not ready to leave Japan. I'm ready to go home not ready to leave Japan. How is that possible? God I pray that they remember. That we remember. That this isn't the end. Please. I can't handle that. I'll miss them so much.


Sometimes I just want to jump up and hug people. I might even do it, although a lot of Japanese people probably don't respond to that very well. I just feel like it's the only way to get my message across at this point. But will it even do that?

A Poem

...for your reflection while you wait for a "real" post from me. Written by my college poetry professor, previously published through Holy Cow press a few years back, now posted on Writer's Almanac for the poem of the day on Nov. 25. I haven't visited the site in months, and I hardly think it's coincidence that I happened upon this poem now, when it's starting to sink in that I am indeed leaving Japan in less than 3 weeks.

What the Heart Cannot Forget

by Joyce Sutphen

Everything remembers something. The rock, its fiery bed,
cooling and fissuring into cracked pieces, the rub
of watery fingers along its edge.

The cloud remembers being elephant, camel, giraffe,
remembers being a veil over the face of the sun,
gathering itself together for the fall.

The turtle remembers the sea, sliding over and under
its belly, remembers legs like wings, escaping down
the sand under the beaks of savage birds.

The tree remembers the story of each ring, the years
of drought, the floods, the way things came
walking slowly towards it long ago.

And the skin remembers its scars, and the bone aches
where it was broken. The feet remember the dance,
and the arms remember lifting up the child.

The heart remembers everything it loved and gave away,
everything it lost and found again, and everyone
it loved, the heart cannot forget.

Clothes, Church, and the such like

First things first: clothes.

It occurred to me the other day that one of the major differences between my trip to Rwanda last year and my semester in Japan is the concept of clothes. Sounds a little strange, right? Well, when I first came here (or after about a week or so), I felt very self-conscious about my appearance. Japanese women--especially university students and businesswomen--are kind of known for dressing fairly classy on a daily basis. I brought some nice clothes to Japan, but just before I came I had been seriously considering downsizing my wardrobe to the jeans-and-t-shirt look, plus a few dresses for special occasions. Oops. So anyway, after an OK from the parents, I bought a few things. I thought, 'hey, I'm not really being materialistic. This is just Japan.' Well, kind of true, but then I started to second-guess myself. And "third-guess" myself, to the point where I went shopping by myself on Saturday as a sort of reward for suffering through two and a half hours of meticulous video editing. But then I thought of Rwanda, where I would wear shirts multiple times even though they could probably stand to be washed for how much I sweated in them, and even--dare I say it--wear a single pair of underwear more than once (with a liner, of course) to conserve the water needed to do laundry. I tried to give things away, determined to send a bunch of clothes to Value Village when I returned to the States. Needless to say I gradually forgot my determination and bought more clothes to replace the ones I gave away...

So. Now. It's not that I consider it a sin to buy clothes. I appreciate fashion in Japan and the unique ways people choose to express themselves through what they wear. At the same time, I wonder what is really necessary. What you wear is not your identity--I think realizing that is important--but is it wrong to buy clothes when you have the means? Is it necessary to limit your material wealth to the absolute minimum to survive, to live like people in poorer conditions? Is it a matter of empathy, or should you just consider, with every purchase, that the money could be used to better ends? And if you save then, but spend it on something else later, is that worse?

Maybe I'm getting too philosophical, or confusing the point. Really, I just want to say that I'm surprised by how drastically different my perceptions are, regarding something as "trivial" as clothes, from one country to the next. Japan isn't poor, but the quality of some of my clothes HAS deteriorated, I believe, because of things like the way laundry is done (no dryers) and even the weather; still, clothes seem more important here.

Anyway. I suppose I'm rambling now. We have other things to cover, so I'll move on.

Church:

Yesterday we watched a televised sermon that was translated in English, given by a pastor from the local church who has been studying/training in Tokyo the past few months. The lesson was the second of  five in a series called "Echoes of Jesus" titled "Sons and Daughters at His Table". At first I didn't quite understand the connections between all the Bible verses referenced, but then we moved into a description of "Metaphors of Our Relationship with Our Lord Jesus". The pastor listed the following:

1) potter and clay
2) farmer and seeds
3) a woman and her lost coin
4) fisherman and fish
5) tree and branches
6) shepherd and sheep
7) king and subjects
8) judge and common man/woman
9) manager and servants
10) friends
11) father and son/daughter
12) husband and wife--who are in love

The pastor went on to say that the last three are the most mature views of our relationship with Jesus. (It occurs to me now that maybe those last three aren't supposed to be metaphors, but then I realize that every term or concept we use to describe a supernatural relationship is necessarily metaphorical; we can't describe with words something that's beyond mere human existence, because words in themselves are something of human creation, in the end. Scary thought, huh? But I digress). He also said (quoting from the booklet I received),

"The type of metaphor we use will determine the kind of messages or 'voices' we hear in our heads about Him and about our standing with Him."

And this is where is started to get convicting (paraphrasing): substitute the voices of 'I am what I do', 'I am what I have', 'I am what others say about me', and 'I am how I respond' for 'I am loved', 'I am the beloved', and 'I am His'.

"If these [last three] voices dominate your thinking then you will be able to go through the rejection, brokenness and pain in a healthy way."
...
"We need to create space to listen to God's healthy voice about us. Jesus was busy; constantly pulled to meet the many needs that came his way, for example in Luke when he fed the 5,000. Still, he created time to listen to God, before He went back to minister to others.

When you really listen to His voice you will be able to take rejection."

About this time, I really took it to heart that I hadn't been listening. It just so happens that last week and this week came together as one of those periods where I was getting really caught up in deadlines and schoolwork and general inadequacies, so much so that I let myself be overwhelmed rather than turn to God. And as my health is also somewhat sub-par (at least it's been worrying me) at the moment, I was reminded of that small voice I heard last year at church in Minnesota: when I had been ill for over a week and not sure of the cause, deep down I believed that I was being punished for something, and it was in the midst of that--while listening to the most powerful rendition of "Great I Am" that I've ever heard--that I heard Him say "no," in the most gentle and sad parental voice; "no honey, I'm not punishing you--I love you". And I broke down and cried. The only time I've really sobbed in church before. I was nearly moved to tears yesterday too, in truth. I also realized that my last relationship was largely a result of feeling a lack of affection, so I sought it through human means. I don't really regret it, because I find that sort of thinking fruitless, but it makes me sad, realizing I have Someone there all the time. Someone very precious who lets me return to him again and again. For that I am unbelievably grateful.

But there's more. That morning I missed/skipped breakfast because my host mom wasn't up to make it (and in Japan families, you really don't touch much in the kitchen if you're not Mom). It was somewhat of a miscommunication on both ends (as I think I am doomed to participate in as long as I am not Japanese), but I was feeling a little bitter about it. Then this sermon, and afterwards my American friend and I, along with a few other young church members (30 is still young, right?) were blessed by another few members who made us curry (Japanese style is NOT the same as Indian, but still good) for lunch. Normally I would buy lunch, but instead I got to eat at the home of someone I feel close to and have fellowship with fellow Christians--friends--in Japanese. I'm REALLY going to miss them when I leave.

And still more (last thing--ganbare!). Today, after my Japanese test (the listening part of which went kind of horribly), I was talking to my partner about the skit we have to make up (in Japanese) for class next week. We both happened to have a library book to return, so we continued talking. Since I woke up so late I had to skip breakfast this morning (first time for me), we decided to go for coffee. I hadn't talked with this girl much before, but I've been having a lot of these conversations lately, where I start talking with my classmates and finding out we have a lot more in common than I thought.

So. We were talking. It started with grades and education. Of course all us small-school study-abroad students start to really realize that there's a lot more to education than grades and school :) And then we think of horrors in the world. And then we find we both know Jesus. And then I'm convicted all over again about the nature of my relationship with God and what I can be doing to honor him more and serve others and it hurts. It hurts to think about how much I don't hurt on a daily basis compared to those in need. It hurts to think about how hard it is to even look at their hurt--hibakusha, for example, and immigrants, and the homeless...It hurts to know I don't have the courage to face that. To face the fact that we can all still do something. It might be small, but the fact of the matter is, all too often we're not listening. And that's the true danger of complacency in this world. I "know" I can be encouraged, emboldened by God to face the world's problems, but right now, honestly, I haven't accepted it. There's still fear. There's still doubt. Right now I'm just trying to rebuild this relationship (again) and re-learn what it means to be loved by God. DANG that's hard.


I feel like I learned some sort of "scary" things about myself this week. I think my future connection to Japan is a little scary. I'm not sure what it is, but as I've said and heard said about me, I'm not done here. I don't know what that means yet. It's scary to think about. But if I can remember God's love...well, it's always gonna work out. Some may call it false optimism, but I'm not convinced. And I do know Jesus is my savior.

Woof. This is getting to be a bit much for me again. So. Until next time (hopefully I'll have pictures of something)...chew on that.

Mata-ne.

Poems

Oh yeah, that thing called writing that I love to do. I forgot all about it (basically) until I got a message from Firethorne today saying they accepted one of my poems for the fall issue. I haven't really written any poems since I've been in Japan--I think three, maybe?--but you can find them here (if you're interested):

http://writelikeright.deviantart.com/gallery/

And this is the poem that will be published soon:

For Years and All That's Gone

A yellow smile in the moon
among the wicked, winking stars
brings me to my knees like
a soft-sounding bird on the sky,
swallowing you whole
in the midst of a love song.
Oh bright bane of hate and
wrongdoing, kiss your heart with
mine and tell the world
we belong; I'll swim in yours
for years, and all that's gone.



The lines breaks might be slightly different--I don't recall at the moment--but yeah.

Also, in case you didn't guess, today was better than yesterday. Always when nice people "force" me to speak Japanese do my days improve...although my eyesight's getting bad again. This is what happens when I study a lot and my body gets stressed and such. *Sigh*. Such is life I guess. For now.

Expect another post next week. Or maybe I'll keep up with the shorter, random posts.

Peace.

Reeling

Looking at old pictures when you're in a foreign country is probably a terrible idea. And it probably doesn't help that I should be studying for the religion test I have tomorrow, or if not that then interacting with my family. I'm in Japan. I have five weeks left. And I want to stop counting. But I feel like I'm at a crossroads somehow, stuck. I'm already thinking about when I'm going to come back here, and how, as if I've already left. And that seems like a problem.

My biggest struggle these past few days is concerning, big surprise, relationships. As they stand right now, all of my relationships with Japanese students (and even my host family, actually), seem like they're not developed to a point where we are likely to stay in contact beyond the next year, if that. What I mean is--and what I've been telling virtually everyone lately, it seems--is that I don't really have any good Japanese friends. For some reason, I don't foresee contact with the church in Osaka being difficult, but with the students, it's different; I feel like, by now, I should have college-age Japanese friends that I can go out with on weekends or whenever, friends I am comfortable with asking 'hey let's hang out' without making a formal thing of it like 'let's go here on this day and do this and this and that's it'. So why don't I feel that way about anyone here? Why shouldn't I?

I'm still here, I know. Can't I just start talking to people more? I don't know. I feel frozen, like there's nothing I can do about not having Japanese friends. Like there's nothing I can do in the next month to learn more Japanese (because my class is not really teaching me anything new, and I don't have time to study the grammar from my private lessons enough to actually learn how to use them in conversation). I feel like there's so much I've learned but there's so much more, and it's like...I mean, I'm not slipping back into the frame of mind from September, early October. I think I'm past that "point" where I could see myself looking back and asking myself, 'did I waste that opportunity?' At the same time, I wonder... well, what, exactly?

Is it so wrong to want to do my homework, even if it's not Japanese? Is it so bad to be too busy during the week to have hour-long conversations with Japanese people? Sure I have an opportunity once a week with my speaking partner, but to be honest, that's not the person I want to talk to. I'm not going to force it. But homework, really--I am here to study, am I not? I mean, I'm still a student, of everything--I'm still able to learn every day, am I not? Shouldn't I pay attention to everything, even if some of it can be learned "elsewhere"?

I'm confusing myself. I just want it to sink in that I have time before there isn't time left. I'm just kind of reeling right now. Hiei-zan yesterday, watching a half-marathon today, looking through old pictures...maybe soon I'll wake up.

Post for Tuesday 11/5

More pictures later. Maybe.

What is there to say after reading 200 pages of a Japanese novel in which the main character deliberates on whether or not he should kill his own child, so as to “proteect” him from a “vegetable” life? Not only that, but the story may or mat not be based in reality...the baby lives, of course, but to be left wondering which thoughts were real, which created...the power and mystery of words is a scary thing.

But what about this morning? Nobu delivered a very moving sermon on God's plan, and his (our) inability to see His work in our life sometimes. I'm very grateful to Darryl for translating today—I hope I can find a way, or God will show me a way to thank everyone at this church for welcoming me, teaching me, loving me...so many people have been such a blessing, and God has given them so much wisdom...I am speechless.

As a writer, of course I am particularly irritated by being at a loss for words; a friend has also speculated that perhaps I write because I am afraid of stumbling over words in speech, in the world of the impromptu. Am I afraid of the unknown, of not having a plan? I wonder if everyone is. But then I go and introduce myself to an American (?) street performer in Osaka station—a single guy with a guitar, in the midst of hundreds of Japanese people—with the hope of forming some spontaneous-yet-fateful connection. And what about these morbid desires my friends and classmates have had to jump across train tracks and off of bridges? Do we really only expect to fly?

The human mind must be a strange place. I say “must” because I don't believe I have been “there”. But we compartmentalize what we learn in the strangest, usually most self-centered fashion, and prioritize things like Facebook and free-reading and sitting watching TV in a language we don't really understand with people speaking that language before school projects that our grade depends on...at least, I do. And sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to tell what is important while it is happening. I want God to make the path (and shed light on it), but I don't want to float through life waiting for or expecting something to happen.

So where does that leave us? Well, I don't know about you, but I'm still here. Speaking with Japanese students, the Teku Teku ramen guy (Keita), my host family, Japanese church-goers...it's all improving my Japanese, I know, but I think I realized something that bothers me. I seem to be more confident about speaking in Japanese when I'm with a ryugakusei whom I think is less skilled than me. Even if I blunder my way through the conversation, I'm okay. But if the nihonjin I'm talking to speaks really good English or starts to get frustrated explaining something to me, I clam up. IN the first case I'm intimidated—as I also am in the company of ryugakusei who are better at speaking Japanese than me, or act like it—and in the second I suppose I'm shamed into silence. I hate both of those situations. I keep telling myself I'll try harder to speak, try harder to understand next time, but some days I just retreat father into myself as if I have no control over it...

Anyway. Let's move on.

This weekend KG had their international festival (INFES), at which I saw some cool dance performances, ikebana, a choir concert (ryugakusei and nihonjin), a sweet geijitsu tenrankyo, and also did a lot of homework...but mostly I ate a lot of good new food, and decided that yakisoba is probably my favorite, and soybean-flavored (kinako) things are actually pretty good.

Also, the suburb-ish place where I live was hosting it's annual “music picnic” in various places, especially the train station, where my my host sister and her middle school chorus club performed (and I'm pretty sure they're way better than any choir their age that I've heard). AND, as I write this I am watching Rakuten win the World Series of Japan (basically), which has been going on the last few days. I'll just say that it's fun to watch my host parents get excited about baseball on TV, even though I normally would not watch it for more than 2 minutes. Also watching my whole family try to do Obaachan's crossword is great.

Man this weekend was packed! I also watched HP7 Pt. 1 on Friday as part of the weekly “marathon” that 's been going on this month, leading up to the opening of the HP part of USJ, which I may or may not go to this semester. So many things to do, but now that I feel like I'm getting somewhere again with my host family (Mom helped me with my entire Japanese presentation that I have to give on Tuesday* for like two hours, and I told her more about me and my life in the process ^_^) Fun, and I'm learning. Ichi nichi, ichi nichi...

I forgot to mention Halloween—which was actually on the 30th at KG—sweet costumes all over, some came to my Japanese class to chat and share candy with us, and after class/the contest I went to Teku Teku with my friend Kanako, who brought her friend Natasha (a Californian who has been living in Japan for 2 ish years and is probably the only white person on the other campus; no English lecture classes, sooo...yeah. She's pretty legit).

Oh! One more thing. The day before this, I finally went to Dr. Edward's English class again (for Japanese students), and had the experience of explaining, on the spot, the difference between complex and complicated, to which everyone responded with a knowing “Ooohhhh”. Talk. About. Fulfilling. Maybe I SHOULD be a teacher...

Anywho, next on the list is Osaka kaiyuukan tomorrow*, Nara sometime this century, Hieizan on Saturday, more filming on Wednesday morning (this movie may be the death of my sanity, because editing is a black hole and I still need more info/research) annnnd oh yeah—donuts, coffee, and anime in my Japanese class tomorrow. Winning.

Kei-chan out.

*Presentation went pretty awesomely, although I didn't know how to answer their complex-ish questions, and kaiyuukan was pretty neat, but maybe a little too expensive and we left later in the day than I planned...but I spoke Japanese with Seiji pretty much all day, and then with my fam that night. Today was pretty much the opposite, spending three more hours on my film and generally being a hermit...but I watched the first half of a cool movie by Spike Lee called “Do the Right Thing” in Edwards' class today. Maybe someday I'll finish it.

Peace.
(And here are some aquarium pictures...I finally have my own photo of the derpy whale shark! I'll put up Japanese names eventually.)

カワウソ (kawauso), river otter

オオサンショウウオ (oosanshouuo), giant salamander

パナマハナグマ (Panama hanaguma), Panama coati

my favorite :)

ピラルク (piraruku), arapaima

カピバラ (kapibara), capybara

fishes :)

ジンベイザメ (jinbeizame), whale shark

ウミガメ (umigame), sea turtle

more fishes :)

ペンギン (pengin), penguin

巨大なクモガニ (kyodaina kumogane), giant spider crab

common jellyfish

flower hat jellyfish

dunno the name of this one, but the general name for jellyfish is kurage (クラゲ)

still don't know what this is. my speaking partner said some people call it a sea fairy?