Countdown

I know I should have posted this like, last week--it will be two weeks tomorrow since my last post--but, well, you know finals and such. So when I opened this up and saw "overwhelmed" as the title of the most recent post, I had to laugh--I just finished singing/playing "God I Look to You" by Brian and Jenn Johnson, and the first verse goes like this:

God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like You do
God I look to You, You're where my help comes from
Give me wisdom; You know just what to do.

But are we really all that surprised? He knows us better than we know ourselves. Not only that, but

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

                         2 Corinthians 12:9

My grace is sufficient for you. My grace is sufficient for you.

And on that note, I'd like to jump into what I wrote a few days ago (with a tiny bit of editing)...

It's been almost 2 weeks now since I last blogged, and it feels like even longer, for all that's happened; not for the passage of time, because of course it flew by. We all knew this time would come. My two Japanese tests are finished, I turned in my two page paper, and now all I have planned are last-minute lunches and dinners with people I don't see very often. All I have to do now is close my Japanese bank account, sign out of KG, and finish packing (although I'm almost there--I started like over a week ago, actually). I guess I'm not as worried now about whether or not [the important] people will remember me (given their responses to my letters and the absolutely wonderful party my church friends threw me on Sunday) but I do wonder (worry? yeah, sorry) about what the future holds. I will come back. I'm sure of it. But will I live here? I don't think I can do that. It's so different. I don't know enough. In fact I think I'm scared to think I could do it. But there are a lot of people I care about here. A LOT. And I don't really know where I belong, or more specifically, with whom? And I'm not just talking about marriage.

Right now I do kind of just want to focus on getting home. Getting to America, even. Seeing Erin, having Christmas with Mom and Dad, skiing, getting jury duty over with, graduating, seeing Erin's baby (which, by the way, is going to be the most adorable baby ever in the clothes I bought for him today, which I also got for 200 yen off, probably because I spoke to the little shop owner in Japanese and told her about my sister). There's still a lot between me now and me next June, if you know what I mean. I know there's no way I'm going to make it through life, let alone the next six months, without God, but right now I do not feel focused on him. Some of you may say that's understandable, but it's really not. God is who I am supposed to be living for. Am I afraid to hear what He has to say, like before I went to Rwanda (or decided to go, really)? America is home, ...but. 

Listening to everyone on Sunday was so hard. One friend thinking she's not worthy of His Love. I get that. I've been there. And when it's not you, you're incredulous as to how the person could have been so misled. But it's a lie we all tell ourselves, that we are not worth God's "time." Ha. What a ridiculous concept. As if time were something God had to worry about saving. I mean, He freakin' made it, right? Then another friend, and...I forget the other guy's name, talking about all the seemingly little mistakes that can actually hurt people. Every second, every word, counts, and when I hear so many people from this church share this testimonies that, honestly, I don't think many American people would think of telling; I feel like a lot of the adult Japanese people I've met (out of college), maybe especially in church, pay such attention to detail in God's word that it's scary. I mean, so convicting it's good, but...wow. I just see how short I've fallen of the glory of God. But I've never felt unloved there. I've never felt it was all gloom and doom and 'look what you're doing wrong'. There's just so much love there, at this Osaka church.

The worst part though--when I say listening to everyone was hard--was having 9 precious people (plus a 7-yr-old I just met) throw me this party. 7 people (plus the 7-yr old), told me something special in Japanese, and it kills me to say I didn't understand all of it. I understood most of what everyone said, I think, based on context and what I myself remembered about our relationship. Maybe I understood more of what two of them said because I am closer to them, and another girl because we have about the same level of speaking Japanese, I think, but...Idk. It's amazing what God can do with emotion when words and linguistic understanding fail. Now I only hope that they will be able to understand my true feelings and see my true 心 through the letter I wrote; in knowing that they know me better through that, I feel like I can really move forward with studying Japanese. とりあえず...ただそれぞれ人に愛しよう。Kinkakuji, Nara, Kobe, ...it all blends together in the face of this. Cake and sushi and okonomiyaki shared with precious people. A failed skit, lots of giggling, coffee, and conversations about art and faith with another precious person. Talking to my host family (which I do wish I'd had the courage to do more of). Realizing my スピパ really isn't that bad if he's with another Japanese person he knows. All these things made my semester. I don't have any regrets, but I do wish I had taken more pictures of food :) Even Fuji and Tokyo, two big names on my list...I can live without. Onsen too, believe it or not.

But hey. I'm still here. We're not done yet. And here are some highlights from the last two weeks :)

Calligraphy. First time. Orange swirly means you did it right :)

Kinkakuji. Secret: the original was actually burned down by a monk in training, and was not gold.

The Daibutsu (Huge Buddha) at Todaiji in Nara; his hand is about as tall as me.

View of Nara, which Google edited poorly...

Deer (shika). If you know anything about Nara...

Chinatown (chugo[ku]kai) in Kobe

View from the Port Tower in Kobe

Doin' that thing we do, 3 floor of the Port Tower, I think. That's plexiglass we're standing on, I think.

Port Tower at night

Illumination (luminari), basically the reason we went to Kobe.

Different structure

And then a parting verse that a friend from church "spoke" (wrote) over me:

There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.
                                                                                                                Proverbs 23:18

See you soon, America.