Seeing is Believing?

So many things to blog about all the time...sheesh!
But anyway, first thing that happened since my last post was the fire festival at Kurama-dera. Not much to say about it really--I'll let the pictures/video do the talking.

(video's not working, I'll try to get it up soon)

Right. So after that, not much to report until this weekend (aside from being super spacey all week, trying a persimmon for the first time--DELICIOUS--and playing volleyball so much that my shoulder is probably super whacked-out for good). Last night (Saturday) I watched Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince in Japanese, which really made me realize how much of genius J.K. Rowling is, AND the filmmakers. Mostly the filmmakers in this case. Maybe it's just because we've been talking about film in my Visual Anthropology class, but...well I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's because I've got something else on my mind. 

BUT JUST A MINUTE. I'm getting there.

Today I got a tour of Kiyomizu-dera by my speaking partner and his friend Mizuho, the leader of their guide "club"; I think they get paid, but it wasn't really clear to me. Seiji and I seem to be having some significant communication issues...and I'm not sure how much I'm to blame for it, but...well let's just say our relationship could be better. We did split some delicious okonomiyaki and yakisoba (plus two other dishes I still don't really understand--one was a type of potato, I guess, and the other was most egg...Idk, just yummy), and I'd say it was worth the 1500 yen splurge. Which reminds me of the 2100 yen splurge yesterday that Kyle and I both gave in to for yakiniku. Probably the best decision of the day. Which maybe sounds sad, but picture mini-steaks you get to grill yourself--right at your table--plus beer and salted edamame (which is so much better in Japan than it is from a frozen bag in America, but that can't really be helped I guess). So so good.

OK. Now I'm going back to yesterday morning when I went to Tenri with my religion class. Tenri is the "hometown" of Tenrikyo (天理教), which is a "new religion" of Japan. Having learned in class that it's a mix of Buddhism, Christianity, and Shinto (the latter of which was mostly forced by the government, as the believers had to sort of say "yeah we're shinto" to keep their leader out of jail and be able to continue to practice), I wasn't really impressed. I thought, 'they're just like everyone else, saying all you have to do is be a good person and taking what they want from whatever religion whenever they feel like it and however they want'. Tenrikyo doesn't have any violent history like Aum Shinrikyo (sarin gas attack perpetrators), however, nor are they so political like Soka Gakkai seems to be, so I just kind of shrugged and said 'hey, free tour of the church headquarters, field trip, sounds good'. 

Now one thing I had been thinking about was this idea of healing that so many Tenrikyo followers have testified to (via my professor--I haven't heard the personal testimonies myself); how is it possible? Can these miracles be lies? What about the foundress, Miki Nakayama? Did she really hear and write down the word of God? Is God the Parent the same God I've been praying to? What about the Great Spirit of the Native American faith? I definitely don't believe in reincarnation, but these same people that say so many "good" things (however vague) profess that it is true.

These questions might worry some of you; like father like daughter, I may sound heretical, but I'll tell you right now that I will always believe Jesus Christ was the one and only son of God who died for my sins and lives today for me to worship him. So don't worry about that, friends and family. But hearing Raymond, who is 1/4 Japanese and a 24-year-old follower of Tenrikyo from Los Angeles, CA, tell his own testimony for Oyasama (God the Parent, genderless yet usually referred to as "he") really moved me. I wasn't all that interested in listening to the Phillippino girl (maybe she was part Japanese, but I'm pretty sure she said she was from somewhere else) and the full-Japanese guy talk about the history of the buildings and such (although I couldn't hear much because there were all kinds of people chanting/singing and clapping in worship, I was sitting in the back, and I swear all Japanese people--or people who have lived in Japan a while--speak WAY too softly), but this guy...well let me tell you. While filming a documentary in a sketchy part of town, his dad got shot in the leg and was told he would never be able to engage in any rigorous activity again. But if he hadn't been sitting in just the right position, his friend probably would've been killed. Not only did this guy live, but he married some distant cousin of Raymond's, I think, and Raymond's dad was able to pick up Judo again, like he used to as a student. Maybe that's not so "earth-shattering" to you, but I don't believe in coincidences or lucky chances, and it was clearly very meaningful to him--that sort of thing speaks to me. Also, his description of growing up in California and struggling with relating to his classmates who didn't even know what Tenrikyo was...I could feel that. And when my professor told stories about Tenrikyo followers being healed of cancer and other miraculous healings (my memory is failing me now), I can't deny having felt something then. I know that sounds vague. And my non-religious friends will probably not be impressed, but you all know this is just my thought space and I write about what I believe.

So what do we do with Tenrikyo? Well, let me just say that at the very least, I have hope for these people--more than I do for self-proclaimed atheists, although I know everyone has the potential to "come around". But what I got from Tenri is this: God always moves. God wants people, his creation, healed. He wants us to respect our bodies because they were given to us by him, and he wants us to serve, serve, serve. And worship. He is our Holy Father, and I think Tenrikyo followers know that. If you believe in reincarnation, I don't think you're going to hell either--why would you? If that's not keeping you from worshiping your creator, from doing your very best to serve others every day (not saying you won't fail), and making sure not to harm others, from sharing your faith in the one true living God with people, from believing you are saved from sin...sounds good to me.

One Creator God. One Savior named Jesus. One body. That's what I believe. What about you?

Shopping, Adventuring, etc.

MAN I can't believe it's been almost a week already since my last post. It seems like so much is happening! But I'll just start from last Thursday (day after last post) :)

Found a local guitar shop that pretty much looks like a walk-in closet off the street and is chock-full of guitars, but not much else. I just wanted to replace my host dad's guitar strings, so I didn't try to find the one my friend told me about that sounded more "accessible", if you know what I mean--the owner of this shop didn't speak any English, and my Japanese was kind of failing, but the place had a nice homey feel (like lots of shops in Japan) and I got a free pick :)

I'm still having "vision" problems, and it goes like this: I read more than like, two sentences, and then my eyes hurt, and I feel like there's a ball in my throat, and then I feel nauseous. Reading glasses don't seem to be doing much at the moment, and I try to just break up the studying/reading more, but I'm a full-time student...
Maybe my host mom will take me to get my eyes checked this week? Not sure I'll have time...

Saw a guy holding (Swix?) ski poles at the train station the other day. 'nuff said.

Had my first mid-term on Friday--the oral test for my Speaking Japanese class--and I guess it went OK...but I feel like I studied way more in the rest of the semester than I did for all my mid-terms...anyway, I don't really know how I did. My teacher said "yoku dekita" (よくできた), which means "good job" basically, but I'm not so sure.

I've been trying to write down a lot of vocab words--both in English and in Japanese--but I feel like it's been an off-week for my speaking skills (and definitely listening skills). I hardly understood any of the sermon on Sunday, and on my written mid-term for my Speaking Japanese class that I took today, I feel like I did pretty poorly on the listening comprehension. Uuuuugh.  Idk. I'm frustrated, but determined not to give up. My professors keep using examples like "I'm glad I didn't give up/quit studying Japanese" in our grammar lessons and I think it's actually rubbing off...

But I skipped all the shopping, haha. Saturday I went to Teramachi near Umeda with Kyle again, had some good pizza, tried yakiniku (焼肉)--which is basically just deep-fried chicken (sometimes other meat) with special spices--and bought some more souvenirs. Oh! I forgot--before that, I went to Osaka and got 4150 out of the 4250 refunded for that extra ticket I had to buy back from Hiroshima :) AND I spoke Japanese with the ticket people; that was a good day for Japanese I guess :)

Anyway, today is really the good part. After my test I hopped on the bus to Hirakata-shi-eki (枚方市駅) and caught the train from there to Tanbabashi, then switched lines to go to Toji for a flea market that happens every 21st of every month. But I hadn't been there before, and I only made it to Kujo because I forgot/didn't realize I had to make another transfer before that. So I think I ended up paying an extra 140 yen or so since I got the wrong ticket and was too lazy to try and get a refund, then wandered around an older side of Kyoto until finally I saw the temple from a bridge over the highway (my sense of direction REALLY sucks, I've decided). And when I got there, I thought, 'oh yeah--TOTALLY worth skipping class for'. (Did I forget to mention that? Yeah. No one else wanted to skip their classes, but this was probably my only opportunity to go, and I only missed one class, in which my professor doesn't expect us to do the readings or take notes and just gives us handouts of the lectures summarized...awesome.) I'm not really sure how much money I spent yet, but a bunch of you are going to get awesomely unique presents. So if I don't have lunch money for December, it was worth it ;)

Shoot--I forgot to tell you about the interviews! Well, I interviewed two couples for my anthropology project yesterday (Sunday), and was very happy/satisfied with the results (although I may be in over my head with editing...and I should've done more research...but we'll see what happens). I don't know if any of YOU will get to see the finished project--privacy issues, you know--but at the very least I can say that I've already been educated through this process of filming and interviewing and meeting people from all over the world, from significantly different walks of life (I think).

One last thing for today: as I was leaving the house this morning (or was it yesterday?) and as I returned home today, two different women who live on "my" street said "ohayo gozaimasu" (おはようございます) or "itterasshai" (行ってらっしゃい) and "okaerinasai" (お帰りなさい) to me (in addition to the lady who works as a crossing guard in my neighborhood who always says "itterasshai"). And you probably don't know what those words mean but the point is that people are starting to recognize me, and it's nice to feel welcome, to feel part of the community, even if just a little bit, for a little while.

Tomorrow more adventuring awaits with a sort of "native" festival (if I can call it that) out in the boonies after class--woohoo!

Oh one more thing--stopped for lunch at a kissaten on the way to the temple/market called "Kyoto Ippongi Coffeeshop", and was a little disappointed to find that, while the small places like these are nice and homey, if they're placed near tourist locations or just busy areas of town (hard not to do), you pretty much have to eat and leave because customers are waiting! I really just wanted to sit and write in there all day... :( But not everywhere is like that. I'll find a good one besides Starbucks someday!

Words, Images, Thoughts, Emotions

I've put this off too long. I'm trying out my new reading glasses, it's the first real, beautiful day of Fall weather, and despite all the studying I have to do, blogging—Hiroshima—is more important. While I absolutely appreciate the opportunity I had to discuss everything with Allison on the 5-hour bus ride back to Osaka, I've come to realize that I have to write to really get everything out—speaking is not sufficient.

It's hard to say a day was “fun” when you spent it at an atomic bomb memorial; being late to the one planned event—the testimony of a hibakusha (atom bomb survivor)—because you thought it was NOT in the building you were already in; running to your bus only to find that the paper you have is not a ticket and you have to borrow 4250 円 to buy a new one; leaving half your dinner on a tray and shoving part of the rest in a plastic bag because your bus is going to leave without you if you don't; and arriving at your destination utterly exhausted, only to find you dropped your wallet somewhere. (Fortunately, I have wonderful Japanese friends to sort out the whole mess for me.) When “楽しかったけど、悲しかった” is all you know how to say, it makes sense, but is it true? When you see the physical and emotional damage inflicted on the people and place you've grown to love by the people of your home country, knowing that you're going to return and live there permanently...how do you square with that? When you're filled with anger seeing all the protests made by the Japanese to the Americans, asking them not to drop the bomb(s), and reading the letters of Americans showing no remorse after the fact, how do you ask for peace?

It was the paintings, mostly. The letters. The photos of melted skin on the dead and on the living. They made me want to scream and shout and break things and cry but I didn't, because I couldn't. And going to my anthro class two days later, talking about the ethics of war photography...it made me hate it. The Vietnamese girl ravaged by napalm. How do you stand by and take the photo? Maybe there's nothing you could've done, and in that moment you're just as angry and heart-broken and utterly frustrated that “your people” don't know what's happening, so you take the picture. But why are you there, photographer? Are “beautiful” and tear-jerking and striking photos worth it? I don't think we have the right. I don't think anthropology should even be conducted anymore.

Yet I have a film to make. I'm asking people I barely know, yet who are in Christ, to share their lives with the camera, with my class, with Kansai Gaidai at the very least—maybe the greater public of Hirakata-shi, too. I'm asking them to tell me what sets them apart, or to appear as if they have something in common that we don't. In a way, I suppose they do. I do not come directly from a family who speaks different languages than the one I know, who grew up outside of America, outside of “Western civilization”. What a terrible phrase. But there's an “us and a them” perspective projected on everyone in the process. It seems unavoidable in anthropology. So why can't we all just go out and see the world and have conversations and take it for what it is without analyzing everything “academically” or “logically”? We are all PEOPLE and ONE GOD CREATED US and though it's hard to cope with the differences sometimes why don't we TRY?

Academic writing, grade point averages...maybe at some point we need standards for those people who don't want or don't know how to be motivated; in a perfect world, everyone would just do their best to educate themselves, but that's not the case. In the real world, some people are turned off by education because they haven't been given something “interesting”, and they don't realize they can find that something by themselves. So we give them things to read and problems to solve but why don't they tell us that that's not all there is??

I don't know about school in general, but as far as the “scholarly” essays and articles we read—where 50 words, a semi-colon, a long hyphen and 17 vocab words that are only used by as many people in the U.S. on a weekly basis—it's a bunch of bullshit. If we're trying to educate each other, why don't we try to speak the same language as the people we want to educate? Why don't we make more of an effort?!

I'm not saying “dumb it down”. I of all people feel like I can testify to the beauty of language and everything you can do with it, how it changes over time. But when it gets to the point where the meaning or significance is lost on the reader, it's too much. It's meaningless. Your speech, if you write (speak) in such a way, is pretentious and inconsiderate and it only proves how overrated this “higher writing” is. Don't even get me started on privacy policies and tax forms and legal lingo.

Did you think this post was going to be about my weekend? In a way it is. I the photographer, the writer, the student, still take photos, still write essays about the nature of reality and the relation of life and fiction in [things like] Japanese literature (the name of my class)—themes that I myself don't fully comprehend—and take classes I'm not completely fascinated by. I even skip readings. I don't always speak Japanese [here], I don't always finish my homework, and I snap at people when I'm stressed. I desire physical relationships and satisfaction of the flesh in drinking and eating たとえば, and I get depressed. I never called the woman who lent me her bike on the second day I was here. I didn't try to mingle with EVERYONE on the Shikoku trip as best I could, and I was bitter, at first, about being so late after getting lost and “wasting time” looking for おみやげ that I couldn't get my wallet until two days after I lost it and I had to stay another night away from home. I hate that I had to borrow so much money, even if it will be easy to pay back. I hate that I had two Japanese people—three, actually—say I did something wrong or it was my fault, even if that was true. I still don't want to blame me. In the back of my mind I worry I won't get any of my money back (I still have to go to Osaka or Kyoto). I can't wait to go home where it's safe, where I can ski and wear what I want when I want, eat what/when/where I want, not feel bad about speaking English, not worry so much about money and where/how I can get glasses.

All of these things weigh on my mind. But somewhere in there, I see beauty. Shikoku island is truly beautiful. The udon is delicious like everyone says, and the flea market and the seaside cafe we went to were so warm and charming. The live cranes I saw at Hiroshima, juxtaposed with paper ones. The fact that I could share my heart with Haruka, that the people of this church I attend are not ordinary, simply “nice” people.

By now you probably know where I'm going with this. Everyone, or anyone can say “just appreciate the little things”. But whether those things would be truly there or no without God, I can't be sure, and whatever the “true” reality, I know that for me they would disappear. I don't think anything in my life that is truly good did not come from God. Maybe I still have regrets, but one day I won't. I believe that. And I'm going to keep on living as I do. Struggling and changing and loving and laughing and crying and speaking and writing and reading and praying and arguing and searching and messing up. But I will praise God. I feel it when I sing, when I write, when I can share my deeply personal experiences with another person. It doesn't have to be “about” God, to use the word “God”. It just comes from him, because it is good. Because it is from love.

I really need to recognize that expectations are pretty much unnecessary in life, when you just try your best to be considerate. When things get lost in translation—literally and figuratively—you keep going. You talk about it, you agree or you don't. You move on.

People and circumstances change. People say 'do your best' and at least 'try', or “there is no try” and “be perfect”—but how do you really know when your best is really your best? And if you don't try your hardest or do your best, yet find yourself not unsatisfied with the results, what do you do? I talk to God. I try to be honest with Him, but when He knows me better than I know myself, before and after myself, there's no way to not be honest anyway. He knows. And eventually I'll accept that. At times like those, I praise him. And I think that's enough. We may still feel like we're sort of stumbling through life, but that's okay, because He knows what's going on. If I disagree with Jehovah's Witnesses like the ones I accidentally entered into a conversation with in Hiroshima, or with Mormons or Muslims or Catholics or Jews or Unitarians or Hindus or Buddhists or Shintoists or “free spirits” (in the spiritual sense—a.k.a “anything goes”) or non-heterosexual people, that's it. They;re disagreements. And maybe we keep talking. Hopefully we keep talking. Let's accept each other as fellow human beings at least.

So what is the key? What is the point to this rant? Well, you read it. You decide. That right there is the true beauty of choice. We still have our own minds. We're not blind to the world around us—we all have a way of seeing. We live here. That's just the way it is.

Maybe something amazing will happen in your life. Maybe something traumatic, something you'll never even talk about. It's all part of the human experience. I'm not really trying to philosophize here—these are just my thoughts. Sure, I hope to make an impact on SOMEONE in this life, just like everyone else, but when and where and who and how is probably, in large part, not for me to decide. So why do we have this desire to influence, to impact, on any level? I think we all want to be understood. We want someone to affirm our beliefs by believing it too. We desire relationships, because we were built that way, not to want to be alone. We need each other. So let's acknowledge that and see what happens.

A Good Day to Ride the Bus

It would've been, I told myself, sitting in the McDonald's on campus trying to dry out the contents of my backpack. 今朝大雨が降った. It rained heavily this morning. My passport, Japanese textbook, digital camera (the small one, thank goodness), and journal were among the items that suffered water damage, some worse than others (and apparently the pages of my textbook are made with dyed paper, because there are stains on the pages of my journal and my cardigan, which was also in my backpack). So once I had spread everything out over three-spots-worth of counter space, I went over to the Seattle's Best (same building) and got myself a consolatory latte. Well, this is something to blog about, I thought. And that sort of statement has been coming to mind a lot lately.

wet textbook. nureta kyookashoo.

In fact, I've put off this post for a while now for a few reasons, but mainly because I wanted it to be well-composed, given the amount of things I had to cover (of course I know that's totally counter-intuitive because obviously the longer I wait the more things build up). The other big reason for not writing is that my eyes have been hurting and I've felt nauseous while reading or even looking at a screen of any kind for the past four or five days. I don't feel like my vision has gotten any worse, but it's been a serious problem with all the research and reading and paper-writing and video editing I've had to do lately.

This research and video editing I refer to, of course, is in relation to my visual anthropology (視覚人類) film project, which has recently been complicated. I won't go into detail, because I don't feel it's necessary, but in short, my subject has changed to focus on multi-cultural couples, as I will not be able to film in the church. And you know what? It's a great burden lifted off my shoulders--the worry that, even though I love going to this church in Osaka, I would have another reason for being there that I believe would distract me from God's purpose. Maybe that sounds a little weighty, but the fact of the matter is, I like being free to worship God, and while I like my last project idea, I just think this is better for everyone. And, conveniently, I still get to hang out with the same awesome people and hopefully meet some cool new ones :) Unfortunately, another girl in my class said she wanted to do something multicultural--foreign people in Japan, specifically mixed race, but now it sounds like our plans might overlap too much...and since I've already been blessed with wonderful Christian people willing to help me organize this project, I really don't want to give that up. So I would love for people to pray that this works out. It's a project I'm personally attached to, but I also have time constraints...

Anyway. I'm sorry if this all sounds a little more formal than usual, but I have been swimming in the world of academia a lot lately...

So. Some interesting highlights of the last week or so:

• There's a guy who plays his violin in random places on campus quite frequently, and he's good at it. I love it. I felt really serene or calm or peaceful or whatever word you want to use.
• That reading/writing test I thought I did terribly on? 90.25%. Score.
• I started writing a story. Then I started writing a play. Now I'm thinking of doing NaNoWriMo again. While I'm in Japan. With tons of things to do. Oh dear. But HOO-RAH for inspiration! Finally!
• Went to a kaiten-zushi (回転寿司) place--commonly known as "conveyor belt sushi"--for the first time with three people from the church (which I managed to get to BY MYSELF and on time with only taking one wrong turn, and I got all the trains right).

• One of those people I went with? Taught him how to say "I work at a nursing home". I think it was rather entertaining for all of us :)
• Went to the library for the first time and found the gender-specific "copy corner"; guess they don't want people making out when they're supposed to be making copies...
• Also, Japanese keyboards are different, and they aren't in the CIE building so I hadn't seen them until I went to the library. Which you would love, Reba.

• I went to a hookah "bar" (Cafe Istanbul) and smoked hookah for the first time. Totally overrated, probably won't smoke it ever again, but I'm not ashamed of the experience.
• There's a delicious Indian place called New Dehli right across from campus that, I am convinced, is trying to make me fat.
• I've been spelling a lot of English words wrong since I started speaking Japanese more I think, even though I had two hour-plus conversations with Japanese guys in English this week...oops.
• One of those guys is from Kobe and likes Maroon 5, Jack Johnson, Jimmy Eat World, and Billy Joel, and I feel like his friend (one of the few Japanese people I've met more than once) was trying to set us up. Why do I feel like this is definitely not the worst thing ever.
• I ran for 20 minutes at 5:30 in the morning three days in a row--does that deserve two medium fries, two cokes, and a hamburger from McDonald's on two of those days? Probably not. No regrets.
• Weird/crazy weather is hard to deal with sometimes, but it does awesome things to the sky.

• Apparently I really love Japanese sweet potato everything (セツマイモ、setsumaimo). And rice. This is a good thing. Oh and Asian pears. Thanks Kyle.
• Played guitar with Trevor at 930 on a Monday night under a bridge by the river in Neyagawa near some drunk people. That was awesome.
• Found out my host dad has a guitar but hates practicing it so he keeps it in the "penthouse", which I'm pretty sure is the attic. Got to play it for the first time today. Definitely going to be a regular occurrence. Love it.

• Talked to my lit prof for an hour and half about "my paper", which was mostly him ranting about the problems of structured education. Pretty much all of which I agreed with, but that poor Japanese girl outside that probably thought "a few more minutes" actually meant "a few more minutes"...
• Yukio Mishima was a fascinating human being. Look him up.
• We get cookies in class a lot. That's cool.

Yep. That about sums it up. Imagine if I had tried to work all that in in one well-composed blog post. OVERRATED.

So that's all. I have a poem about Hiroshima to share with you, but I think I'll save it for next time. Expect a serious post. Going to Hiroshima Saturday, Shikoku (island) Sunday. 

じゃあね。（Ja-ne.）