I don't usually like to write new posts
without first skimming over my last one or two, but as I am not
currently connected to the internet and I think I've put this off
long enough, this is where we're are.
So.
It's been over a month now since I left
Japan, and I feel like I've met even more people with connections to
Japan (whether or not those connections are directly helpful to me),
and plenty of people that are pushing me to go back soon (especially
with JET), or get in touch with so-and-so. Maybe it's just the fact
that my final semester of college is rocketing towards me so I'm
feeling the pressure about jobs, but I'm actually feeling pretty
content with not planning ahead. I took some “talent”
survey/quiz/whatchamacallit online through my school the other day,
and when I showed it to my dad, he proceeded to go through it “with”
me, aloud, in detail, saying things like “I think this fits” or
“That [score] should probably be lower.” It was harder to listen
to than I expected, with all my insecurities exposed (which sounds a
little dramatic, I know, right?)—kind of like standing in front of
my dad in the living room, in a bikini, in winter and having him
point out all the parts of me that could indeed “use a little
work”. Maybe not quite that uncomfortable, but I assume you get the
idea.
Now, it's not like I didn't agree with
those statements too, but to have some actually discussing them with
me, that was a little weird. And I realize that that is what my
future employers are going to do, so I kind of have to get over it.
Or work at Sportsman's all my life (which I don't want to do for even
close to that length of time), or become a hikikomori.
But
the point, I guess, is that I'm content, right now. I know my
spiritual life could be better, I know I could procrastinate less on
job searching (really just finishing ONE application right now—I
mean really, how hard is that?!) and thesis-researching (THAT is
actually starting to freak me out...because I feel like the topics
are endless), but part of me just thinks 'hey, that's all
my life is going to be after
this semester (and a wedding and potentially a play-writing
workshop): worrying about how much I need to not procrastinate'....I
guess. The thing is, I want to enjoy my last “break”. Because
when June hits, the “real world” is here, and I have to start
taking more risks, I decided. Like, if I really want to get back to
Japan, to better my language skills and see my friends again (before
some of them potentially forget who I am, [sad face]), I have to do
it. And it's the same with
writing, but of course now that I've definitely got [self-diagnosed]
senioritis, it's freaking me out. I wonder if I can really do it. If
I can stop talking about, stop just thinking about
my stories and their potential, and WRITE.
As I
said though, in this moment, I am content. Sitting on the couch of
one of my best friend's from high school, after a night out with her
friends to watch her star in Gravidity (a
play) and later eat milkshakes and all number of greasy foods at
Denny's until midnight (they have class today, ha), I'm really
appreciating all the different groups of people I know (and like). I
mean, it's really crazy to me, how many people I love, and generally
love to be around. People all over the country, and quickly the
world. It's sad and wonderful and frightening and exciting all at the
same time. So I need to quit worrying, haha.
I know
that sometimes, you just need to
take things day by day, but I know I also need to talk to God more, to be in the Word, really in it, a lot more.
To all
my friends in Japan, I miss you, and love you, and
I'll be back :) The same goes for the rest of my friends and family
all over the U.S., we'll be in touch.
