tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-79903836032759063752024-02-02T08:16:14.224-08:00Psalm 139 EastCaitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-12259994224899855722017-05-01T12:03:00.001-07:002017-05-01T12:03:30.205-07:00Save Japanese at CHS<p dir="ltr">For those of you who don't know, I only made the alternate list for JET, so I am pursuing my Master of Arts in secondary education this summer. My focus will be English, but I intend to gain certification in Japanese as well, after I compete my initial graduate program. However, with the Japanese program under the axe at my alma mater, my first task is to preserve that program, to ensure the school district as a whole doesn't lose this unique and valuable option for foreign language instruction.</p>
<p dir="ltr">If you think this is a worthy cause, I invite you to copy this letter or write your own to Mat-Su Borough School District Superintendent Dr. Monica Goyette and/or School Board President Dr. Donna Dearman at monica.goyette@matsuk12.us and donna.dearman@matsuk12.us. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Here is the letter...</p>
<p dir="ltr">Dear Dr. Monica Goyette:</p>
<p dir="ltr">It has come to my attention that the Mat-Su Borough School District has not budgeted for a half- or full-time Japanese language teaching position at Colony High School for the 2017-2018 school year. This concerns me for several reasons.</p>
<p dir="ltr">As a graduate of Colony High School and its Japanese program, I know the value of Mr. Shunji Ninoyu’s teaching of the language and culture of Japan. Back then, students were required to take 2 years of foreign language in order to graduate. I chose Japanese, as a freshman in 2006, for two reasons: I had picked up a few Japanese words and phrases from self-study, and the language was an interesting alternative to the stock French and Spanish offered at most high schools.  (According to a 2011 study by the Center for Applied Linguistics in Washington, D.C., Spanish and French are the most-offered languages in U.S. secondary schools that offer foreign language instruction at 93 and 46 percent, respectively. Japanese, by contrast, is only taught at 3 percent of those schools that offer foreign language.​)</p>
<p dir="ltr">I continued to take Japanese as a sophomore, learning as much of the culture as Ninoyu-sensei could offer through traditional songs and holiday celebrations. I was inducted into the Japanese National Honor Society at the end of that year, along with about 15 other students.</p>
<p dir="ltr">As a junior I participated in a supervised “independent study” of Japanese 3 with three or four other students, during Ninoyu-sensei’s lunch hour – he was that dedicated to our continued education. That year we all participated in the state Japanese declamation contest at UAA, something I would not have done without the Japanese program and Ninoyu-sensei’s encouragement. Since no fourth-year Japanese course was offered my senior year, I chose to be an aide for Ninoyu-sensei’s Japanese 1 class.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Something I didn’t expect to learn in Japanese class was tolerance and understanding of a foreign culture – not of Japan, but of a particular group of young people my friends and I once cruelly referred to as “manfres” (pronounced MAN-fers), short for “manga freaks.” Manga is a kind of Japanese comic often read by or associated (in America) with a certain brand of misfits – students with brightly colored hair or “weird” clothes and accessories such as furry tails or plush keychains of cartoon characters. I avoided many of these students until I took Japanese. In that class, I befriended many students I would not have come into contact with otherwise. I stopped using the word my friends and I had invented, and learned to be kinder to people, even if I thought their hobbies were a bit obsessive. Japanese class, I think, also became a safe place for those students to talk about their interests without fear of ridicule, something that is still too uncommon in public schools.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Beyond Colony, I had similar, and even greater, experiences. In the fall of 2010, I entered Gustavus Adolphus College in St. Peter, Minnesota, where I ultimately graduated magna cum laude with a Bachelor of Arts in English and Japanese Studies (two separate majors). I had only intended to minor in Japanese at Gustavus, but the thirst for knowledge that Ninoyu-sensei had instilled in me was not easily quenched. I found myself signing up for classes on Japan in every field – religion, philosophy, literature and history – and as a senior spent a semester at Kansai Gaidai, an international university in Osaka, Japan. It was possibly the most exciting and educational semester of my college career.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Now, as a substitute teacher and aspiring full-time educator, I realize that it is more important than ever to support the program that I hope to have the chance to lead or support as a teacher in the Mat-Su Borough. Not only because I would love to teach Japanese or see it taught at my alma mater, but because the Valley now has two Japanese sister cities to foster relationships with beyond the schools. With the ink practically still wet on the signed agreement between Wasilla and Uchiko, and Palmer celebrating its 37th year in relationship with Saroma, the Valley’s connections to Japan are growing. It would be a shame to halt that growth now. Palmer High only recently reinstated its Japanese program after a seven-year hiatus, and Wasilla is only supporting one Japanese 1 class and one Japanese 2 class this year. Losing Japanese at Colony would only make the programs at other schools more tenuous, a travesty that could affect the quality of our relationship with Uchiko and Saroma as a community. These relationships cannot thrive without student interest, and it is difficult to generate and sustain student interest without a program in place where higher level students can recruit newcomers by vouching for it with their own personal experiences.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I understand that my mere enjoyment of Japanese at Colony and beyond may not be enough to convince the powers that be of the value of the program, which is why I am collecting the signatures of people who echo my statements in this letter. I have also encouraged my former classmates to send you copies of this letter or their own messages in support of the Japanese program at CHS.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I hope that this district, with its strong emphasis on student choice,​ will see how important this program is and consider retaining a Japanese teaching position at Colony High School. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Sincerely,</p>
<p dir="ltr">Caitlin Skvorc</p>
<p dir="ltr">Substitute teacher</p>
<p dir="ltr">MSBSD</p>
Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-18309846294574041272017-01-15T22:38:00.000-08:002017-01-15T22:39:03.082-08:00やった~!(Yattaaaa!)<div>
A word I learned from "Heroes" that I didn't know the meaning of until I went to Japan...but very appropriate now, since I have my JET interview! It's set for Friday, Feb. 10, about a month from today.<br />
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I started reading up on the interview process, looking for tips and such, and got a little nervous/intimidated again about what I need to know...not that I'm not a good interview (almost 3 years as a journalist, I better be good), but that my world knowledge and improvisation skills are not up to snuff, and that my Japanese language ability is not where it should be.</div>
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Ah well. Stay tuned for results! First week of April, they said.</div>
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Can I get a 頑張ろう (<i>gan-ba-ROH</i>)?</div>
Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-85874220910038869912016-12-03T22:58:00.002-08:002016-12-03T22:58:23.792-08:00JETHeyyyyyyyyyy everyone!<br />
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It's been a super long time, I know. BUT. I applied for an Assistant Language Teacher (ALT) position with the Japanese Exchange Teaching (JET) Program last month (actually October but the application period closed Nov. 18) and I'm hoping to have an interview with someone in Anchorage in January. I'd be placed/selected in April (hoping for someplace with snow like Hokkaido or Niigata) and off to Japan at the end of July/beginning of August.<br />
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If I do end up going, rest assured this blog will once again be buzzing with all things Japanese!<br />
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呼応運を祈ってください! (このフレーズは日本人が使っているのですか?)Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-76724216278491821572014-01-17T14:24:00.003-08:002014-01-17T14:24:45.527-08:00The Overdue and the Not-Yet<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I don't usually like to write new posts
without first skimming over my last one or two, but as I am not
currently connected to the internet and I think I've put this off
long enough, this is where we're are.</div>
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So.</div>
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It's been over a month now since I left
Japan, and I feel like I've met even more people with connections to
Japan (whether or not those connections are directly helpful to me),
and plenty of people that are pushing me to go back soon (especially
with JET), or get in touch with so-and-so. Maybe it's just the fact
that my final semester of college is rocketing towards me so I'm
feeling the pressure about jobs, but I'm actually feeling pretty
content with not planning ahead. I took some “talent”
survey/quiz/whatchamacallit online through my school the other day,
and when I showed it to my dad, he proceeded to go through it “with”
me, aloud, in detail, saying things like “I think this fits” or
“That [score] should probably be lower.” It was harder to listen
to than I expected, with all my insecurities exposed (which sounds a
little dramatic, I know, right?)—kind of like standing in front of
my dad in the living room, in a bikini, in winter and having him
point out all the parts of me that could indeed “use a little
work”. Maybe not quite that uncomfortable, but I assume you get the
idea.</div>
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Now, it's not like I didn't agree with
those statements too, but to have some actually discussing them with
me, that was a little weird. And I realize that that is what my
future employers are going to do, so I kind of have to get over it.
Or work at Sportsman's all my life (which I don't want to do for even
close to that length of time), or become a <i>hikikomori</i>.
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But
the point, I guess, is that I'm content, right now. I know my
spiritual life could be better, I know I could procrastinate less on
job searching (really just finishing ONE application right now—I
mean really, how hard is that?!) and thesis-researching (THAT is
actually starting to freak me out...because I feel like the topics
are endless), but part of me just thinks 'hey, that's <i>all
</i>my life is going to be after
this semester (and a wedding and potentially a play-writing
workshop): worrying about how much I need to not procrastinate'....I
guess. The thing is, I want to enjoy my last “break”. Because
when June hits, the “real world” is here, and I have to start
taking more risks, I decided. Like, if I really want to get back to
Japan, to better my language skills and see my friends again (before
some of them potentially forget who I am, [sad face]), I have to <i>do
</i>it. And it's the same with
writing, but of course now that I've definitely got [self-diagnosed]
senioritis, it's freaking me out. I wonder if I can really do it. If
I can stop talking about, stop just <i>thinking </i>about
my stories and their potential, and WRITE.</div>
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As I
said though, in this moment, I am content. Sitting on the couch of
one of my best friend's from high school, after a night out with her
friends to watch her star in <i>Gravidity </i>(a
play) and later eat milkshakes and all number of greasy foods at
Denny's until midnight (they have class today, ha), I'm really
appreciating all the different groups of people I know (and like). I
mean, it's really crazy to me, how many people I love, and generally
love to be around. People all over the country, and quickly the
world. It's sad and wonderful and frightening and exciting all at the
same time. So I need to quit worrying, haha.</div>
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I know
that sometimes, you just need to
take things day by day, but I know I also need to talk to God more, to be in the Word, really <i>in </i>it, a lot more.</div>
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To all
my friends in Japan, I miss you, and love you, and
I'll be back :) The same goes for the rest of my friends and family
all over the U.S., we'll be in touch.</div>
Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-67114207252455161552013-12-10T02:02:00.003-08:002013-12-10T02:14:04.110-08:00CountdownI know I should have posted this like, last week--it will be two weeks tomorrow since my last post--but, well, you know finals and such. So when I opened this up and saw "overwhelmed" as the title of the most recent post, I had to laugh--I just finished singing/playing "God I Look to You" by Brian and Jenn Johnson, and the first verse goes like this:<br />
<i><br /></i><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">God I look to You, I won't be overwhelmed</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Give me vision to see things like You do</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">God I look to You, You're where my help comes from</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Give me wisdom; You know just what to do.</span><br /><br />But are we really all that surprised? He knows us better than we know ourselves. Not only that, but<br />
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<i>But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.</i><br />
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<i> 2 Corinthians 12:9</i></div>
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My grace is sufficient for you. My grace is sufficient for you.</div>
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And on that note, I'd like to jump into what I wrote a few days ago (with a tiny bit of editing)...</div>
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It's been almost 2 weeks now since I last blogged, and it feels like even longer, for all that's happened; not for the passage of time, because of course it flew by. We all knew this time would come. My two Japanese tests are finished, I turned in my two page paper, and now all I have planned are last-minute lunches and dinners with people I don't see very often. All I have to do now is close my Japanese bank account, sign out of KG, and finish packing (although I'm almost there--I started like over a week ago, actually). I guess I'm not as worried now about whether or not [the important] people will remember me (given their responses to my letters and the absolutely wonderful party my church friends threw me on Sunday) but I do wonder (worry? yeah, sorry) about what the future holds. I will come back. I'm sure of it. But will I live here? I don't think I can do that. It's so different. I don't know enough. In fact I think I'm scared to think I <i>could </i>do it. But there are a lot of people I care about here. A LOT. And I don't really know where I belong, or more specifically, with whom? And I'm not just talking about marriage.</div>
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Right now I do kind of just want to focus on getting home. Getting to America, even. Seeing Erin, having Christmas with Mom and Dad, skiing, getting jury duty over with, graduating, seeing Erin's baby (which, by the way, is going to be the most adorable baby ever in the clothes I bought for him today, which I also got for 200 yen off, probably because I spoke to the little shop owner in Japanese and told her about my sister). There's still a <i>lot</i> between me now and me next June, if you know what I mean. I know there's no way I'm going to make it through life, let alone the next six months, without God, but right now I do <i>not </i>feel focused on him. Some of you may say that's understandable, but it's really not. God is who I am supposed to be <i>living </i>for. Am I afraid to hear what He has to say, like before I went to Rwanda (or decided to go, really)? America is home, ...but. </div>
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Listening to everyone on Sunday was so hard. One friend thinking she's not worthy of His Love. I get that. I've been there. And when it's not you, you're incredulous as to how the person could have been so misled. But it's a lie we all tell ourselves, that we are not worth God's "time." Ha. What a ridiculous concept. As if time were something God had to worry about saving. I mean, He freakin' made it, right? Then another friend, and...I forget the other guy's name, talking about all the seemingly little mistakes that can actually hurt people. Every second, every word, counts, and when I hear so many people from this church share this testimonies that, honestly, I don't think many American people would think of telling; I feel like a lot of the adult Japanese people I've met (out of college), maybe especially in church, pay such attention to detail in God's word that it's scary. I mean, so convicting it's good, but...wow. I just see how short I've fallen of the glory of God. But I've never felt unloved there. I've never felt it was all gloom and doom and 'look what you're doing wrong'. There's just so much love there, at this Osaka church.</div>
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The worst part though--when I say listening to everyone was hard--was having 9 precious people (plus a 7-yr-old I just met) throw me this party. 7 people (plus the 7-yr old), told me something special in Japanese, and it kills me to say I didn't understand all of it. I understood most of what everyone said, I think, based on context and what I myself remembered about our relationship. Maybe I understood more of what two of them said because I <i>am </i>closer to them, and another girl because we have about the same level of speaking Japanese, I think, but...Idk. It's amazing what God can do with emotion when words and linguistic understanding fail. Now I only hope that they will be able to understand my true feelings and see my true 心 through the letter I wrote; in knowing that they know me better through that, I feel like I can really move forward with studying Japanese. とりあえず...ただそれぞれ人に愛しよう。Kinkakuji, Nara, Kobe, ...it all blends together in the face of this. Cake and sushi and okonomiyaki shared with precious people. A failed skit, lots of giggling, coffee, and conversations about art and faith with another precious person. Talking to my host family (which I do wish I'd had the courage to do more of). Realizing my スピパ really isn't that bad if he's with another Japanese person he knows. All these things made my semester. I don't have any regrets, but I do wish I had taken more pictures of food :) Even Fuji and Tokyo, two big names on my list...I can live without. Onsen too, believe it or not.</div>
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But hey. I'm still here. We're not done yet. And here are some highlights from the last two weeks :)</div>
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Calligraphy. First time. Orange swirly means you did it right :)</div>
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Kinkakuji. Secret: the original was actually burned down by a monk in training, and was not gold.</div>
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The Daibutsu (Huge Buddha) at Todaiji in Nara; his hand is about as tall as me.</div>
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View of Nara, which Google edited poorly...</div>
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Deer (shika). If you know anything about Nara...</div>
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Chinatown (chugo[ku]kai) in Kobe</div>
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View from the Port Tower in Kobe</div>
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Doin' that thing we do, 3 floor of the Port Tower, I think. That's plexiglass we're standing on, I think.</div>
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Port Tower at night</div>
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Illumination (luminari), basically the reason we went to Kobe.</div>
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Different structure</div>
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And then a parting verse that a friend from church "spoke" (wrote) over me:<br />
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<i>There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.<br /> Proverbs 23:18</i><br />
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See you soon, America.</div>
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Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-89846989470530656072013-11-27T06:04:00.002-08:002013-11-27T06:07:22.640-08:00OverwhelmedLots of papers. Homework. Studying. Packing. Readjusting.<br />
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There's a lot to do in the next two weeks. So much that I think I need to spend every spare moment working on projects and such. And I'm starting to feel like I can't do it all. Like it's too much. And I know I need to rely on God, but it's like I can't stop thinking of my to-do list long enough to hear what he's saying, to register anything on that level.<br />
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But I have some things to say. I felt about to burst and now I have to be upfront about my anxieties.<br />
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This is the issue: I wonder if anyone will remember me. It's one thing to stay Facebook friends. It's one thing to remember a face, a name...a foreign country. But what does it mean to really remember someone? Did I really make an impact on anyone here, so much that they will miss me as much as I feel like I will miss them, will remember me as clearly as I think I will remember them?<br />
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There are a few Japanese people at Kansai Gaidai that I don't want to forget me. I don't think they can know me any better than I know them, which is not a lot, but I have this fear that they won't remember me at all. How many foreigners will my current Japanese friends come into contact before I return to Japan? How can I arrange to see someone the next time I go to Japan when we really know nothing about each other, I just have this idea that next time, next time I will know more Japanese or pick it up more quickly and we can actually become friends because we can talk about things like our true worries and emotions and thoughts that I have not been able to express by this point? How can I possibly make it clear to all these people that do really love them, even the ones I didn't talk to much?<br />
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This comes from my volleyball team, of course. One person I am particularly fond of rode the same train as me on the way home today. We talked about school and traveling and jobs as we have before, but it kills me that we couldn't say more. It kills me. I am feeling so smothered by my inability to communicate the closeness I feel toward people, something that I think comes from the sheer fact that we are on the same team. There is something really special about playing sports with the same people roughly every week--you don't have to really understand the words that are being said. It almost seems mystical to me now, the power of this team ethic or whatever it is that is able to form such strong bonds without knowing someone's "personal life", as it were.<br />
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But do any of them feel this way? Do they wonder if they have impacted me? Will we ever understand each other's motivations for becoming "friends" this semester? I hate to use quotation marks there but with some people I honestly don't know--will they miss me, will they remember? It's one thing to be wondering about whether people remember you after you're dead--especially as a writer--but what about now? I haven't even graduated college yet! And to be having to deal with 4 paper assignments, a Japanese skit, 2 Japanese finals plus an oral exam and a kanji quiz, and still having readings to do....while juggling such complex LIFE issues...it's too much. I can't do it. And I know who can. But this doesn't stop me thinking about this most important question (to me) at the moment: will they remember? Do they wonder the same about me? Are there people I am interested in that are disinterested in me the way I have been with my speaking partner, blaming not the communication barrier but assuming he's just 'not my type of person'? I mean SHIT what do I do with that?<br />
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I just...I just need help. I don't know how to cope. I'm not ready to leave Japan. I'm ready to go home not ready to leave Japan. How is that possible? God I pray that they remember. That we remember. That this isn't the end. Please. I can't handle that. I'll miss them so much.<br />
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Sometimes I just want to jump up and hug people. I might even do it, although a lot of Japanese people probably don't respond to that very well. I just feel like it's the only way to get my message across at this point. But will it even do that?Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-58640813629101119572013-11-25T05:24:00.001-08:002013-11-25T05:24:09.975-08:00A Poem...for your reflection while you wait for a "real" post from me. Written by my college poetry professor, previously published through Holy Cow press a few years back, now posted on Writer's Almanac for the poem of the day on Nov. 25. I haven't visited the site in months, and I hardly think it's coincidence that I happened upon this poem now, when it's starting to sink in that I am indeed leaving Japan in less than 3 weeks.<br /><br />
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<div class="episode_title" style="border: 0px; clear: right; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 2em; margin: 30px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;">
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What the Heart Cannot Forget</h2>
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by <a href="http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/author.php?auth_id=1679" style="border: 0px; color: #85776d; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;">Joyce Sutphen</a></div>
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Everything remembers something. The rock, its fiery bed,<br />cooling and fissuring into cracked pieces, the rub<br />of watery fingers along its edge.<br /><br />The cloud remembers being elephant, camel, giraffe,<br />remembers being a veil over the face of the sun,<br />gathering itself together for the fall.<br /><br />The turtle remembers the sea, sliding over and under<br />its belly, remembers legs like wings, escaping down<br />the sand under the beaks of savage birds.<br /><br />The tree remembers the story of each ring, the years<br />of drought, the floods, the way things came<br />walking slowly towards it long ago.<br /><br />And the skin remembers its scars, and the bone aches<br />where it was broken. The feet remember the dance,<br />and the arms remember lifting up the child.<br /><br />The heart remembers everything it loved and gave away,<br />everything it lost and found again, and everyone<br />it loved, the heart cannot forget.</div>
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Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-80396885375347530552013-11-18T03:48:00.002-08:002013-11-18T03:48:41.063-08:00Clothes, Church, and the such likeFirst things first: clothes. <br />
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It occurred to me the other day that one of the major differences between my trip to Rwanda last year and my semester in Japan is the concept of clothes. Sounds a little strange, right? Well, when I first came here (or after about a week or so), I felt very self-conscious about my appearance. Japanese women--especially university students and businesswomen--are kind of known for dressing fairly classy on a daily basis. I brought some nice clothes to Japan, but just before I came I had been seriously considering downsizing my wardrobe to the jeans-and-t-shirt look, plus a few dresses for special occasions. Oops. So anyway, after an OK from the parents, I bought a few things. I thought, 'hey, I'm not really being materialistic. This is just Japan.' Well, kind of true, but then I started to second-guess myself. And "third-guess" myself, to the point where I went shopping by myself on Saturday as a sort of reward for suffering through two and a half hours of meticulous video editing. But then I thought of Rwanda, where I would wear shirts multiple times even though they could probably stand to be washed for how much I sweated in them, and even--dare I say it--wear a single pair of underwear more than once (with a liner, of course) to conserve the water needed to do laundry. I tried to give things away, determined to send a bunch of clothes to Value Village when I returned to the States. Needless to say I gradually forgot my determination and bought more clothes to replace the ones I gave away...<br />
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So. Now. It's not that I consider it a sin to buy clothes. I appreciate fashion in Japan and the unique ways people choose to express themselves through what they wear. At the same time, I wonder what is really necessary. What you wear is not your identity--I think realizing that is important--but is it wrong to buy clothes when you have the means? Is it necessary to limit your material wealth to the absolute minimum to survive, to live like people in poorer conditions? Is it a matter of empathy, or should you just consider, with every purchase, that the money could be used to better ends? And if you save then, but spend it on something else later, is that worse?<br />
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Maybe I'm getting too philosophical, or confusing the point. Really, I just want to say that I'm surprised by how drastically different my perceptions are, regarding something as "trivial" as clothes, from one country to the next. Japan isn't poor, but the quality of some of my clothes HAS deteriorated, I believe, because of things like the way laundry is done (no dryers) and even the weather; still, clothes seem more important here.<br />
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Anyway. I suppose I'm rambling now. We have other things to cover, so I'll move on.<br />
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Church:<br />
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Yesterday we watched a televised sermon that was translated in English, given by a pastor from the local church who has been studying/training in Tokyo the past few months. The lesson was the second of five in a series called "Echoes of Jesus" titled "Sons and Daughters at His Table". At first I didn't quite understand the connections between all the Bible verses referenced, but then we moved into a description of "Metaphors of Our Relationship with Our Lord Jesus". The pastor listed the following:<br />
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1) potter and clay<br />
2) farmer and seeds<br />
3) a woman and her lost coin<br />
4) fisherman and fish<br />
5) tree and branches<br />
6) shepherd and sheep<br />
7) king and subjects<br />
8) judge and common man/woman<br />
9) manager and servants<br />
<b>10) friends</b><br />
<b>11) father and son/daughter</b><br />
<b>12) husband and wife--<i>who are in love</i></b><br />
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The pastor went on to say that the last three are the most mature views of our relationship with Jesus. (It occurs to me now that maybe those last three aren't supposed to be metaphors, but then I realize that every term or concept we use to describe a supernatural relationship is necessarily metaphorical; we can't describe with words something that's beyond mere human existence, because words in themselves are something of human creation, in the end. Scary thought, huh? But I digress). He also said (quoting from the booklet I received),<br />
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<i>"The type of metaphor we use will determine the kind of messages or 'voices' we hear in our heads about Him and about our standing with Him."</i><br />
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And this is where is started to get convicting (paraphrasing): substitute the voices of 'I am what I do', 'I am what I have', 'I am what others say about me', and 'I am how I respond' for 'I am loved', 'I am the beloved', and 'I am His'.<br />
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<i>"If these [last three] voices dominate your thinking then you will be able to go through the rejection, brokenness and pain in a healthy way."</i><br />
...<br />
<i>"We need to create space to listen to God's healthy voice about us. Jesus was busy; constantly pulled to meet the many needs that came his way, for example in Luke when he fed the 5,000. Still, he created time to listen to God, before He went back to minister to others.</i><br />
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<i>When you really listen to His voice you will be able to take rejection."</i><br />
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About this time, I really took it to heart that I hadn't been listening. It just so happens that last week and this week came together as one of those periods where I was getting really caught up in deadlines and schoolwork and general inadequacies, so much so that I let myself be overwhelmed rather than turn to God. And as my health is also somewhat sub-par (at least it's been worrying me) at the moment, I was reminded of that small voice I heard last year at church in Minnesota: when I had been ill for over a week and not sure of the cause, deep down I believed that I was being punished for something, and it was in the midst of that--while listening to the most powerful rendition of "Great I Am" that I've ever heard--that I heard Him say "no," in the most gentle and sad parental voice; "no honey, I'm not punishing you--I love you". And I broke down and cried. The only time I've really sobbed in church before. I was nearly moved to tears yesterday too, in truth. I also realized that my last relationship was largely a result of feeling a lack of affection, so I sought it through human means. I don't really regret it, because I find that sort of thinking fruitless, but it makes me sad, realizing I have Someone there all the time. Someone very precious who lets me return to him again and again. For that I am unbelievably grateful.<br />
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But there's more. That morning I missed/skipped breakfast because my host mom wasn't up to make it (and in Japan families, you really don't touch much in the kitchen if you're not Mom). It was somewhat of a miscommunication on both ends (as I think I am doomed to participate in as long as I am not Japanese), but I was feeling a little bitter about it. Then this sermon, and afterwards my American friend and I, along with a few other young church members (30 is still young, right?) were blessed by another few members who made us curry (Japanese style is NOT the same as Indian, but still good) for lunch. Normally I would buy lunch, but instead I got to eat at the home of someone I feel close to and have fellowship with fellow Christians--<i>friends</i>--in Japanese. I'm REALLY going to miss them when I leave.<br />
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And still more (last thing--<i>ganbare!</i>). Today, after my Japanese test (the listening part of which went kind of horribly), I was talking to my partner about the skit we have to make up (in Japanese) for class next week. We both happened to have a library book to return, so we continued talking. Since I woke up so late I had to skip breakfast this morning (first time for me), we decided to go for coffee. I hadn't talked with this girl much before, but I've been having a lot of these conversations lately, where I start talking with my classmates and finding out we have a lot more in common than I thought.<br />
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So. We were talking. It started with grades and education. Of course all us small-school study-abroad students start to really realize that there's a lot more to education than grades and school :) And then we think of horrors in the world. And then we find we both know Jesus. And then I'm convicted all over again about the nature of my relationship with God and what I can be doing to honor him more and serve others and it hurts. It hurts to think about how much I <i>don't</i> hurt on a daily basis compared to those in need. It hurts to think about how hard it is to even look at their hurt--hibakusha, for example, and immigrants, and the homeless...It hurts to know I don't have the courage to face that. To face the fact that we can all still do something. It might be small, but the fact of the matter is, all too often we're not <i>listening</i>. And that's the true danger of complacency in this world. I "know" I can be encouraged, emboldened by God to face the world's problems, but right now, honestly, I haven't accepted it. There's still fear. There's still doubt. Right now I'm just trying to rebuild this relationship (again) and re-learn what it means to be loved by God. DANG that's hard.<br />
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I feel like I learned some sort of "scary" things about myself this week. I think my future connection to Japan is a little scary. I'm not sure what it is, but as I've said and heard said about me, I'm not <i>done </i>here. I don't know what that means yet. It's scary to think about. But if I can remember God's love...well, it's always gonna work out. Some may call it false optimism, but I'm not convinced. And I do know Jesus is my savior.<br />
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Woof. This is getting to be a bit much for me again. So. Until next time (hopefully I'll have pictures of something)...chew on that.<br />
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Mata-ne.Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-14731457224435202942013-11-11T05:31:00.000-08:002013-11-11T05:31:00.576-08:00PoemsOh yeah, that thing called writing that I love to do. I forgot all about it (basically) until I got a message from Firethorne today saying they accepted one of my poems for the fall issue. I haven't really written any poems since I've been in Japan--I think three, maybe?--but you can find them here (if you're interested):<br />
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<a href="http://writelikeright.deviantart.com/gallery/">http://writelikeright.deviantart.com/gallery/</a><br />
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And this is the poem that will be published soon:<br />
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For Years and All That's Gone<br />
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A yellow smile in the moon<br />
among the wicked, winking stars<br />
brings me to my knees like<br />
a soft-sounding bird on the sky,<br />
swallowing you whole<br />
in the midst of a love song.<br />
Oh bright bane of hate and<br />
wrongdoing, kiss your heart with<br />
mine and tell the world<br />
we belong; I'll swim in yours<br />
for years, and all that's gone.<br />
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The lines breaks might be slightly different--I don't recall at the moment--but yeah.<br />
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Also, in case you didn't guess, today was better than yesterday. Always when nice people "force" me to speak Japanese do my days improve...although my eyesight's getting bad again. This is what happens when I study a lot and my body gets stressed and such. *Sigh*. Such is life I guess. For now.<br />
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Expect another post next week. Or maybe I'll keep up with the shorter, random posts.<br />
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Peace.Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-19861280585245312102013-11-09T23:41:00.001-08:002013-11-10T04:42:24.635-08:00ReelingLooking at old pictures when you're in a foreign country is probably a terrible idea. And it probably doesn't help that I should be studying for the religion test I have tomorrow, or if not that then interacting with my family. I'm in Japan. I have five weeks left. And I want to stop counting. But I feel like I'm at a crossroads somehow, stuck. I'm already thinking about when I'm going to come back here, and how, as if I've already left. And that seems like a problem.<br />
<br />
My biggest struggle these past few days is concerning, big surprise, relationships. As they stand right now, all of my relationships with Japanese students (and even my host family, actually), seem like they're not developed to a point where we are likely to stay in contact beyond the next year, if that. What I mean is--and what I've been telling virtually everyone lately, it seems--is that I don't really have any good Japanese <i>friends</i>. For some reason, I don't foresee contact with the church in Osaka being difficult, but with the students, it's different; I feel like, by now, I should have college-age Japanese friends that I can go out with on weekends or whenever, friends I am comfortable with asking 'hey let's hang out' without making a formal thing of it like 'let's go here on this day and do this and this and that's it'. So why don't I feel that way about anyone here? Why shouldn't I?<br />
<br />
I'm still here, I know. Can't I just start talking to people more? I don't know. I feel frozen, like there's nothing I can do about not having Japanese friends. Like there's nothing I can do in the next month to learn more Japanese (because my class is not really teaching me anything new, and I don't have time to study the grammar from my private lessons enough to actually learn how to use them in conversation). I feel like there's so much I've learned but there's so much more, and it's like...I mean, I'm not slipping back into the frame of mind from September, early October. I think I'm past that "point" where I could see myself looking back and asking myself, 'did I waste that opportunity?' At the same time, I wonder... well, what, exactly?<br />
<br />
Is it so wrong to want to do my homework, even if it's not Japanese? Is it so bad to be too busy during the week to have hour-long conversations with Japanese people? Sure I have an opportunity once a week with my speaking partner, but to be honest, that's not the person I want to talk to. I'm not going to force it. But homework, really--I am here to study, am I not? I mean, I'm still a student, of everything--I'm still able to learn every day, am I not? Shouldn't I pay attention to everything, even if some of it can be learned "elsewhere"?<br />
<br />
I'm confusing myself. I just want it to sink in that I have time before there <i>isn't </i>time left. I'm just kind of reeling right now. Hiei-zan yesterday, watching a half-marathon today, looking through old pictures...maybe soon I'll wake up.<br />
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<br />Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-26349847419375287342013-11-06T18:26:00.002-08:002013-11-08T02:22:18.115-08:00Post for Tuesday 11/5More pictures later. Maybe.<br />
<br />
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
What is there to say
after reading 200 pages of a Japanese novel in which the main
character deliberates on whether or not he should kill his own child,
so as to “proteect” him from a “vegetable” life? Not only
that, but the story may or mat not be based in reality...the baby
lives, of course, but to be left wondering which thoughts were real,
which created...the power and mystery of words is a scary thing.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
But what about this
morning? Nobu delivered a very moving sermon on God's plan, and his
(our) inability to see His work in our life sometimes. I'm very
grateful to Darryl for translating today—I hope I can find a way,
or God will show me a way to thank everyone at this church for
welcoming me, teaching me, loving me...so many people have been such
a blessing, and God has given them so much wisdom...I am speechless.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
As a writer, of course
I am particularly irritated by being at a loss for words; a friend
has also speculated that perhaps I write because I am afraid of
stumbling over words in speech, in the world of the impromptu. Am I
afraid of the unknown, of not having a plan? I wonder if everyone is.
But then I go and introduce myself to an American (?) street
performer in Osaka station—a single guy with a guitar, in the midst
of hundreds of Japanese people—with the hope of forming some
spontaneous-yet-fateful connection. And what about these morbid
desires my friends and classmates have had to jump across train
tracks and off of bridges? Do we really only expect to fly?</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The human mind must be
a strange place. I say “must” because I don't believe I have been
“there”. But we compartmentalize what we learn in the strangest,
usually most self-centered fashion, and prioritize things like
Facebook and free-reading and sitting watching TV in a language we
don't really understand with people speaking that language before
school projects that our grade depends on...at least, I do. And
sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to tell what is important
while it is happening. I want God to make the path (and shed light on
it), but I don't want to float through life waiting for or expecting
something to happen.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So where does that
leave us? Well, I don't know about you, but I'm still here. Speaking
with Japanese students, the Teku Teku ramen guy (Keita), my host
family, Japanese church-goers...it's all improving my Japanese, I
know, but I think I realized something that bothers me. I seem to be
more confident about speaking in Japanese when I'm with a ryugakusei
whom I think is less skilled than me. Even if I blunder my way
through the conversation, I'm okay. But if the nihonjin I'm talking
to speaks really good English or starts to get frustrated explaining
something to me, I clam up. IN the first case I'm intimidated—as I
also am in the company of ryugakusei who are better at speaking
Japanese than me, or act like it—and in the second I suppose I'm
shamed into silence. I hate both of those situations. I keep telling
myself I'll try harder to speak, try harder to understand <i>next
time</i>,
but some days I just retreat father into myself as if I have no
control over it...</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Anyway.
Let's move on.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
This
weekend KG had their international festival (INFES), at which I saw
some cool dance performances, ikebana, a choir concert (ryugakusei
and nihonjin), a sweet geijitsu tenrankyo, and also did a lot of
homework...but mostly I ate a lot of good new food, and decided that
yakisoba is probably my favorite, and soybean-flavored (kinako)
things are actually pretty good.<br />
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<br />
<br />
Also, the suburb-ish place where I
live was hosting it's annual “music picnic” in various places,
especially the train station, where my my host sister and her middle
school chorus club performed (and I'm pretty sure they're way better
than any choir their age that <i>I've</i>
heard). AND, as I write this I am watching Rakuten win the World
Series of Japan (basically), which has been going on the last few
days. I'll just say that it's fun to watch my host parents get
excited about baseball on TV, even though I normally would not watch
it for more than 2 minutes. Also watching my whole family try to do
Obaachan's crossword is great.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Man
this weekend was packed! I also watched HP7 Pt. 1 on Friday as part
of the weekly “marathon” that 's been going on this month,
leading up to the opening of the HP part of USJ, which I may or may
not go to this semester. So many things to do, but now that I feel
like I'm getting somewhere again with my host family (Mom helped me
with my entire Japanese presentation that I have to give on Tuesday*
for like two hours, and I told her more about me and my life in the
process ^_^) Fun, <i>and
</i>I'm
learning. Ichi nichi, ichi nichi...</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I
forgot to mention Halloween—which was actually on the 30th at
KG—sweet costumes all over, some came to my Japanese class to chat
and share candy with us, and after class/the contest I went to Teku
Teku with my friend Kanako, who brought her friend Natasha (a
Californian who has been living in Japan for 2 ish years and is
probably the only white person on the other campus; no English
lecture classes, sooo...yeah. She's pretty legit).</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Oh!
One more thing. The day before this, I finally went to Dr. Edward's
English class again (for Japanese students), and had the experience
of explaining, on the spot, the difference between complex and
complicated, to which everyone responded with a knowing “Ooohhhh”.
Talk. About. Fulfilling. Maybe I SHOULD be a teacher...</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Anywho,
next on the list is Osaka
kaiyuukan
tomorrow*, Nara sometime this century, Hieizan on Saturday, more
filming on Wednesday morning (this movie may be the death of my
sanity, because editing is a black hole and I still need more
info/research) annnnd oh yeah—donuts, coffee, and anime in my
Japanese class tomorrow. Winning.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Kei-chan
out.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
*Presentation
went pretty awesomely, although I didn't know how to answer their
complex-ish questions, and kaiyuukan was pretty neat, but maybe a
little too expensive and we left later in the day than I
planned...but I spoke Japanese with Seiji pretty much all day, and
then with my fam that night. Today was pretty much the opposite,
spending three more hours on my film and generally being a
hermit...but I watched the first half of a cool movie by Spike Lee
called “Do the Right Thing” in Edwards' class today. Maybe
someday I'll finish it.</div>
<br />
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Peace.<br />
(And here are some aquarium pictures...I finally have my own photo of the derpy whale shark! I'll put up Japanese names eventually.)<br />
<br />
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カワウソ (kawauso), river otter</div>
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オオサンショウウオ (oosanshouuo), giant salamander</div>
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パナマハナグマ (Panama hanaguma), Panama coati</div>
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my favorite :)</div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
ピラルク (piraruku), arapaima</div>
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カピバラ (kapibara), capybara</div>
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fishes :)</div>
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ジンベイザメ (jinbeizame), whale shark</div>
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ウミガメ (umigame), sea turtle</div>
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more fishes :)</div>
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ペンギン (pengin), penguin</div>
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巨大なクモガニ (kyodaina kumogane), giant spider crab</div>
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common jellyfish</div>
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flower hat jellyfish</div>
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dunno the name of this one, but the general name for jellyfish is kurage (クラゲ)</div>
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still don't know what this is. my speaking partner said some people call it a sea fairy?</div>
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Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-33467638771953500392013-10-27T06:02:00.002-07:002013-10-27T06:06:27.477-07:00Seeing is Believing?So many things to blog about all the time...sheesh!<br />
But anyway, first thing that happened since my last post was the fire festival at Kurama-dera. Not much to say about it really--I'll let the pictures/video do the talking.<br />
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Right. So after that, not much to report until this weekend (aside from being super spacey all week, trying a persimmon for the first time--DELICIOUS--and playing volleyball so much that my shoulder is probably super whacked-out for good). Last night (Saturday) I watched Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince in Japanese, which really made me realize how much of genius J.K. Rowling is, AND the filmmakers. Mostly the filmmakers in this case. Maybe it's just because we've been talking about film in my Visual Anthropology class, but...well I don't know how to describe it. Maybe it's because I've got something else on my mind. </div>
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BUT JUST A MINUTE. I'm getting there.</div>
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Today I got a tour of Kiyomizu-dera by my speaking partner and his friend Mizuho, the leader of their guide "club"; I think they get paid, but it wasn't really clear to me. Seiji and I seem to be having some significant communication issues...and I'm not sure how much I'm to blame for it, but...well let's just say our relationship could be better. We did split some delicious okonomiyaki and yakisoba (plus two other dishes I still don't really understand--one was a type of potato, I guess, and the other was most egg...Idk, just yummy), and I'd say it was worth the 1500 yen splurge. Which reminds me of the 2100 yen splurge yesterday that Kyle and I both gave in to for yakiniku. Probably the best decision of the day. Which maybe sounds sad, but picture mini-steaks you get to grill yourself--right at your table--plus beer and salted edamame (which is so much better in Japan than it is from a frozen bag in America, but that can't really be helped I guess). So so good.</div>
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OK. Now I'm going back to yesterday morning when I went to Tenri with my religion class. Tenri is the "hometown" of Tenrikyo (天理教), which is a "new religion" of Japan. Having learned in class that it's a mix of Buddhism, Christianity, and Shinto (the latter of which was mostly forced by the government, as the believers had to sort of say "yeah we're shinto" to keep their leader out of jail and be able to continue to practice), I wasn't really impressed. I thought, 'they're just like everyone else, saying all you have to do is be a good person and taking what they want from whatever religion whenever they feel like it and however they want'. Tenrikyo doesn't have any violent history like Aum Shinrikyo (sarin gas attack perpetrators), however, nor are they so political like Soka Gakkai seems to be, so I just kind of shrugged and said 'hey, free tour of the church headquarters, field trip, sounds good'. </div>
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Now one thing I had been thinking about was this idea of healing that so many Tenrikyo followers have testified to (via my professor--I haven't heard the personal testimonies myself); how is it possible? Can these miracles be lies? What about the foundress, Miki Nakayama? Did she really hear and write down the word of God? Is God the Parent the same God I've been praying to? What about the Great Spirit of the Native American faith? I definitely don't believe in reincarnation, but these same people that say so many "good" things (however vague) profess that it is true.</div>
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These questions might worry some of you; like father like daughter, I may sound heretical, but I'll tell you right now that I will always believe Jesus Christ was the one and only son of God who died for my sins and lives today for me to worship him. So don't worry about that, friends and family. But hearing Raymond, who is 1/4 Japanese and a 24-year-old follower of Tenrikyo from Los Angeles, CA, tell his own testimony for Oyasama (God the Parent, genderless yet usually referred to as "he") really moved me. I wasn't all that interested in listening to the Phillippino girl (maybe she was part Japanese, but I'm pretty sure she said she was from somewhere else) and the full-Japanese guy talk about the history of the buildings and such (although I couldn't hear much because there were all kinds of people chanting/singing and clapping in worship, I was sitting in the back, and I swear all Japanese people--or people who have lived in Japan a while--speak WAY too softly), but this guy...well let me tell you. While filming a documentary in a sketchy part of town, his dad got shot in the leg and was told he would never be able to engage in any rigorous activity again. But if he hadn't been sitting in just the right position, his friend probably would've been killed. Not only did this guy live, but he married some distant cousin of Raymond's, I think, and Raymond's dad was able to pick up Judo again, like he used to as a student. Maybe that's not so "earth-shattering" to you, but I don't believe in coincidences or lucky chances, and it was clearly very meaningful to him--that sort of thing speaks to me. Also, his description of growing up in California and struggling with relating to his classmates who didn't even know what Tenrikyo was...I could feel that. And when my professor told stories about Tenrikyo followers being healed of cancer and other miraculous healings (my memory is failing me now), I can't deny having <i>felt </i>something then. I know that sounds vague. And my non-religious friends will probably not be impressed, but you all know this is just my thought space and I write about what I believe.</div>
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So what do we do with Tenrikyo? Well, let me just say that at the very least, I have hope for these people--more than I do for self-proclaimed atheists, although I know everyone has the potential to "come around". But what I got from Tenri is this: God always moves. God wants people, his creation, healed. He wants us to respect our bodies because they were given to us by him, and he wants us to serve, serve, serve. And worship. He is our Holy Father, and I think Tenrikyo followers know that. If you believe in reincarnation, I don't think you're going to hell either--why would you? If that's not keeping you from worshiping your creator, from doing your very best to serve others every day (not saying you won't fail), and making sure not to harm others, from sharing your faith in the one true living God with people, from believing you are saved from sin...sounds good to me.</div>
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One Creator God. One Savior named Jesus. One body. That's what I believe. What about you?</div>
<br />Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-954373931477664122013-10-21T03:26:00.000-07:002013-10-21T03:26:10.235-07:00Shopping, Adventuring, etc.MAN I can't believe it's been almost a week already since my last post. It seems like so much is happening! But I'll just start from last Thursday (day after last post) :)<br />
<br />
Found a local guitar shop that pretty much looks like a walk-in closet off the street and is chock-full of guitars, but not much else. I just wanted to replace my host dad's guitar strings, so I didn't try to find the one my friend told me about that sounded more "accessible", if you know what I mean--the owner of this shop didn't speak any English, and my Japanese was kind of failing, but the place had a nice homey feel (like lots of shops in Japan) and I got a free pick :)<br />
<br />
I'm still having "vision" problems, and it goes like this: I read more than like, two sentences, and then my eyes hurt, and I feel like there's a ball in my throat, and then I feel nauseous. Reading glasses don't seem to be doing much at the moment, and I try to just break up the studying/reading more, but I'm a full-time student...<br />
Maybe my host mom will take me to get my eyes checked this week? Not sure I'll have time...<br />
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Saw a guy holding (Swix?) ski poles at the train station the other day. 'nuff said.<br />
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Had my first mid-term on Friday--the oral test for my Speaking Japanese class--and I guess it went OK...but I feel like I studied way more in the rest of the semester than I did for all my mid-terms...anyway, I don't really know how I did. My teacher said "yoku dekita" (よくできた), which means "good job" basically, but I'm not so sure.<br />
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I've been trying to write down a lot of vocab words--both in English and in Japanese--but I feel like it's been an off-week for my speaking skills (and definitely listening skills). I hardly understood any of the sermon on Sunday, and on my written mid-term for my Speaking Japanese class that I took today, I feel like I did pretty poorly on the listening comprehension. Uuuuugh. Idk. I'm frustrated, but determined not to give up. My professors keep using examples like "I'm glad I didn't give up/quit studying Japanese" in our grammar lessons and I think it's actually rubbing off...<br /><br />But I skipped all the shopping, haha. Saturday I went to Teramachi near Umeda with Kyle again, had some good pizza, tried <i>yakiniku </i>(焼肉)--which is basically just deep-fried chicken (sometimes other meat) with special spices--and bought some more souvenirs. Oh! I forgot--before that, I went to Osaka and got 4150 out of the 4250 refunded for that extra ticket I had to buy back from Hiroshima :) AND I spoke Japanese with the ticket people; that was a good day for Japanese I guess :)<br />
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Anyway, today is really the good part. After my test I hopped on the bus to Hirakata-shi-eki (枚方市駅) and caught the train from there to Tanbabashi, then switched lines to go to Toji for a flea market that happens every 21st of every month. But I hadn't been there before, and I only made it to Kujo because I forgot/didn't realize I had to make another transfer before that. So I think I ended up paying an extra 140 yen or so since I got the wrong ticket and was too lazy to try and get a refund, then wandered around an older side of Kyoto until finally I saw the temple from a bridge over the highway (my sense of direction REALLY sucks, I've decided). And when I got there, I thought, 'oh yeah--TOTALLY worth skipping class for'. (Did I forget to mention that? Yeah. No one else wanted to skip their classes, but this was probably my only opportunity to go, and I only missed one class, in which my professor doesn't expect us to do the readings or take notes and just gives us handouts of the lectures summarized...awesome.) I'm not really sure how much money I spent yet, but a bunch of you are going to get awesomely unique presents. So if I don't have lunch money for December, it was worth it ;)<br />
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Shoot--I forgot to tell you about the interviews! Well, I interviewed two couples for my anthropology project yesterday (Sunday), and was very happy/satisfied with the results (although I may be in over my head with editing...and I should've done more research...but we'll see what happens). I don't know if any of YOU will get to see the finished project--privacy issues, you know--but at the very least I can say that I've already been educated through this process of filming and interviewing and meeting people from all over the world, from significantly different walks of life (I think).<br />
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One last thing for today: as I was leaving the house this morning (or was it yesterday?) and as I returned home today, two different women who live on "my" street said "ohayo gozaimasu" (おはようございます) or "itterasshai" (行ってらっしゃい) and "okaerinasai" (お帰りなさい) to me (in addition to the lady who works as a crossing guard in my neighborhood who always says "itterasshai"). And you probably don't know what those words mean but the point is that people are starting to recognize me, and it's nice to feel welcome, to feel part of the community, even if just a little bit, for a little while.<br />
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Tomorrow more adventuring awaits with a sort of "native" festival (if I can call it that) out in the boonies after class--woohoo!<br />
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Oh one more thing--stopped for lunch at a <i>kissaten</i> on the way to the temple/market called "Kyoto Ippongi Coffeeshop", and was a little disappointed to find that, while the small places like these are nice and homey, if they're placed near tourist locations or just busy areas of town (hard not to do), you pretty much have to eat and leave because customers are waiting! I really just wanted to sit and write in there all day... :( But not everywhere is like that. I'll find a good one besides Starbucks someday!Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-11575304074638732752013-10-16T06:04:00.002-07:002013-10-16T06:18:26.039-07:00Words, Images, Thoughts, Emotions<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I've put this off
too long. I'm trying out my new reading glasses, it's the first real,
beautiful day of Fall weather, and despite all the studying I have to
do, blogging—Hiroshima—is more important. While I absolutely
appreciate the opportunity I had to discuss everything with Allison
on the 5-hour bus ride back to Osaka, I've come to realize that I
have to write to really get everything out—speaking is not
sufficient.</div>
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It's hard to say a
day was “fun” when you spent it at an atomic bomb memorial; being
late to the one planned event—the testimony of a <i>hibakusha </i>(atom
bomb survivor)—because you thought it was NOT in the building you
were already in; running to your bus only to find that the paper you
have is not a ticket and you have to borrow 4250 <span style="font-family: SimSun;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span lang="ja-JP">円
</span></span></span>to buy a
new one; leaving half your dinner on a tray and shoving part of the
rest in a plastic bag because your bus is going to leave without you
if you don't; and arriving at your destination utterly exhausted,
only to find you dropped your wallet somewhere. (Fortunately, I have
wonderful Japanese friends to sort out the whole mess for me.) When
“<span style="font-family: SimSun;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span lang="ja-JP">楽しかったけど、悲しかった”
</span></span></span>is all
you know how to say, it makes sense, but is it true? When you see the
physical and emotional damage inflicted on the people and place
you've grown to love by the people of your home country, knowing that
you're going to return and live there permanently...how do you square
with that? When you're filled with anger seeing all the protests made
by the Japanese to the Americans, asking them not to drop the
bomb(s), and reading the letters of Americans showing no remorse
after the fact, how do you ask for peace?<br />
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It
was the paintings, mostly. The letters. The photos of melted skin on
the dead <i>and on the living.</i>
They made me want to scream and shout and break things and cry but I
didn't, because I couldn't. And going to my anthro class two days
later, talking about the ethics of war photography...it
made me hate it. The Vietnamese girl ravaged by napalm. How do you
stand by and take the photo? Maybe there's nothing you could've done,
and in that moment you're just as angry and heart-broken and utterly
frustrated that “your people” don't know what's happening, so you
take the picture. But why are you there, photographer? Are
“beautiful” and tear-jerking and striking photos worth it? I
don't think we have the right. I don't think anthropology should even
be conducted anymore.
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<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Yet
I have a film to make. I'm asking people I barely know, yet who are
in Christ, to share their lives with the camera, with my class, with
Kansai Gaidai at the very least—maybe the greater public of
Hirakata-shi, too. I'm asking them to tell me what sets them apart,
or to appear as if they have something in common that we don't. In a
way, I suppose they do. I do not come directly from a family who
speaks different languages than the one I know, who grew up outside
of America, outside of “Western civilization”. What a terrible
phrase. But there's an “us and a them” perspective projected on
everyone in the process. It seems unavoidable in anthropology. So why
can't we all just go out and see the world and have conversations and
take it for what it is without analyzing everything “academically”
or “logically”? We are all PEOPLE and ONE GOD CREATED US and
though it's hard to cope with the differences sometimes why don't we
TRY?
</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Academic
writing, grade point
averages...maybe at some point we need standards for those people who
don't want or don't know how to be motivated; in a perfect world,
everyone would just do their best to educate themselves, but that's
not the case. In the real world, some people are turned off by
education because they haven't been <i>given </i>something
“interesting”, and they don't realize they can find that
something by themselves. So we give them things to read and problems
to solve but why don't they tell us that that's not all there is??</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I
don't know about school in general, but as far as the “scholarly”
essays and articles we read—where 50 words, a semi-colon, a long
hyphen and 17 vocab words that are only used by as many people in the
U.S. on a weekly basis—it's a bunch of bullshit. If we're trying to
educate each other, why don't we try to <i>speak the same
language as the people we want to educate?</i>
Why don't we make more of an effort?!</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I'm
not saying “dumb it down”. I of all people feel like I can
testify to the beauty of language and everything you can do with it,
how it changes over time. But when it gets to the point where the
meaning or significance is lost on the reader, it's too much. It's
meaningless. Your speech, if you write (speak) in such a way, is
pretentious and inconsiderate and it only <i>proves</i>
how overrated this “higher writing” is. Don't even get me started
on privacy policies and tax forms and legal lingo.</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Did
you think this post was going to be about my weekend? In a way it is.
I the photographer, the writer, the student, still take photos, still
write essays about the nature of reality and <i>the relation
of life and fiction in [things like] Japanese literature </i>(the
name of my class)—themes that I myself don't fully comprehend—and
take classes I'm not completely fascinated by. I even skip readings.
I don't always speak Japanese [here], I don't always finish my
homework, and I snap at people when I'm stressed. I desire physical
relationships and satisfaction of the flesh in drinking and eating
<span style="font-family: SimSun;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span lang="ja-JP">たとえば</span></span></span>,
and I get depressed. I never called the woman who lent me her bike on
the second day I was here. I didn't try to mingle with EVERYONE on
the Shikoku trip as best I could, and I was bitter, at first, about
being so late after getting lost and “wasting time” looking for
<span style="font-family: SimSun;"><span style="font-size: 10pt;"><span lang="ja-JP">おみやげ
</span></span></span>that I
couldn't get my wallet until two days after I lost it and I had to
stay another night away from home. I hate that I had to borrow so
much money, even if it will be easy to pay back. I hate that I had
two Japanese people—three, actually—say I did something wrong or
it was <i>my fault</i>, even
if that was true. I still don't want to blame <i>me</i>.
In the back of my mind I worry I won't get any of my money back (I
still have to go to Osaka or Kyoto). I can't wait to go home where
it's safe, where I can ski and wear what I want when I want, eat
what/when/where I want, not feel bad about speaking English, not
worry so much about money and where/how I can get glasses.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
All
of these things weigh on my mind. But somewhere in there, I see
beauty. Shikoku island is truly beautiful. The udon <i>is
</i>delicious like everyone says,
and the flea market and the seaside cafe we went to were so warm and
charming. The live cranes I saw at Hiroshima, juxtaposed with paper
ones. The fact that I could share my heart with Haruka, that the
people of this church I attend are not ordinary, simply “nice”
people.
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<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
By
now you probably know where I'm going with this. Everyone, or anyone
can say “just appreciate the little things”. But whether those
things would be truly there or no without God, I can't be sure, and
whatever the “true” reality, I know that for me they would
disappear. I don't think anything in my life that is truly good did
not come from God. Maybe I still have regrets, but one day I won't. I
believe that. And I'm going to keep on living as I do. Struggling and
changing and loving and laughing and crying and speaking and writing
and reading and praying and arguing and searching and messing up. But
I will praise God. I feel it when I sing, when I write, when I can
share my deeply personal experiences with another person. It doesn't
have to be “about” God, to use the word “God”. It just comes
from him, because it is good. Because it is from love.</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I
really need to recognize that expectations are pretty much
unnecessary in life, when you just try your best to be considerate.
When things get lost in translation—literally and figuratively—you
keep going. You talk about it, you agree or you don't. You move on.</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
People
and circumstances change. People say 'do your best' and at least
'try', or “there is no try” and “be perfect”—but how do you
really <i>know</i> when your
best is really your best? And
if you don't try your hardest or do your best, yet find yourself not
unsatisfied with the results, what do you do? I talk to God. I try to
be honest with Him, but when He knows me better than I know myself,
before and after myself, there's no way to not be honest anyway. He
knows. And eventually I'll accept that. At times like those, I praise
him. And I think that's enough. We may still feel like we're sort of
stumbling through life, but that's okay, because He knows what's
going on. If I disagree with Jehovah's Witnesses like the ones I
accidentally entered into a conversation with in Hiroshima, or with
Mormons or Muslims or Catholics or Jews or Unitarians or Hindus or
Buddhists or Shintoists or “free spirits” (in the spiritual
sense—a.k.a “anything goes”) or non-heterosexual people, that's
it. They;re
disagreements. And maybe we keep talking. Hopefully we keep talking.
Let's accept each other as fellow human beings at least.</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
So
what is the key? What is the point to this rant? Well, you read it.
You decide. That right there is the true beauty of <i>choice</i>.
We still have our own minds. We're not blind to the world around
us—we all have a way of seeing. We live here. That's just the way
it is.</div>
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: 0in;">
Maybe
something amazing will happen in your life. Maybe something
traumatic, something you'll never even talk about. It's all part of
the human experience. I'm not really trying to philosophize
here—these are just my thoughts. Sure, I hope to make an impact on
SOMEONE in this life, just like everyone else, but when and where and
who and how is probably, in large part, not for me to decide. So why
do we have this desire to influence, to impact, on any level? I think
we all want to be understood. We want someone to affirm our beliefs
by believing it too. We desire relationships, because we were built
that way, not to want to be alone. We need each other. So let's
acknowledge that and see what happens.</div>
Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-22589957695939990172013-10-09T06:23:00.002-07:002013-10-10T18:30:13.336-07:00A Good Day to Ride the BusIt would've been, I told myself, sitting in the McDonald's on campus trying to dry out the contents of my backpack. 今朝大雨が降った. It rained heavily this morning. My passport, Japanese textbook, digital camera (the small one, thank goodness), and journal were among the items that suffered water damage, some worse than others (and apparently the pages of my textbook are made with dyed paper, because there are stains on the pages of my journal and my cardigan, which was also in my backpack). So once I had spread everything out over three-spots-worth of counter space, I went over to the Seattle's Best (same building) and got myself a consolatory latte. Well, this is something to blog about, I thought. And that sort of statement has been coming to mind a lot lately.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggFU-sJwMTgdsErFQLAa8Rx9EH2KTUSML6A8bc4iFXV6LTOL_BLydNN8Jp4ukWwUBV9_Rw4lwWJ3_KmK5nYjjuJGDIUUCTmL5mJHshDxgdVtqbU7OKt1RH_p6Z0JAX88N2Y6h46nLWUlY/s1600/DSCN1888.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggFU-sJwMTgdsErFQLAa8Rx9EH2KTUSML6A8bc4iFXV6LTOL_BLydNN8Jp4ukWwUBV9_Rw4lwWJ3_KmK5nYjjuJGDIUUCTmL5mJHshDxgdVtqbU7OKt1RH_p6Z0JAX88N2Y6h46nLWUlY/s320/DSCN1888.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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wet textbook. nureta kyookashoo.</div>
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In fact, I've put off this post for a while now for a few reasons, but mainly because I wanted it to be well-composed, given the amount of things I had to cover (of course I know that's totally counter-intuitive because obviously the longer I wait the more things build up). The other big reason for not writing is that my eyes have been hurting and I've felt nauseous while reading or even looking at a screen of any kind for the past four or five days. I don't feel like my vision has gotten any worse, but it's been a serious problem with all the research and reading and paper-writing and video editing I've had to do lately.</div>
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This research and video editing I refer to, of course, is in relation to my visual anthropology (視覚人類) film project, which has recently been complicated. I won't go into detail, because I don't feel it's necessary, but in short, my subject has changed to focus on multi-cultural couples, as I will not be able to film in the church. And you know what? It's a great burden lifted off my shoulders--the worry that, even though I love going to this church in Osaka, I would have another reason for being there that I believe would distract me from God's purpose. Maybe that sounds a little weighty, but the fact of the matter is, I like being free to worship God, and while I like my last project idea, I just think this is better for everyone. And, conveniently, I still get to hang out with the same awesome people and hopefully meet some cool new ones :) Unfortunately, another girl in my class said she wanted to do something multicultural--foreign people in Japan, specifically mixed race, but now it sounds like our plans might overlap too much...and since I've already been blessed with wonderful Christian people willing to help me organize this project, I really don't want to give that up. So I would love for people to pray that this works out. It's a project I'm personally attached to, but I also have time constraints...</div>
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Anyway. I'm sorry if this all sounds a little more formal than usual, but I have been swimming in the world of academia a lot lately...</div>
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So. Some interesting highlights of the last week or so:</div>
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<li>There's a guy who plays his violin in random places on campus quite frequently, <i>and he's good at it</i>. I love it. I felt really serene or calm or peaceful or whatever word you want to use.</li>
<li>That reading/writing test I thought I did terribly on? 90.25%. Score.</li>
<li>I started writing a story. Then I started writing a play. Now I'm thinking of doing NaNoWriMo again. While I'm in Japan. With tons of things to do. Oh dear. But HOO-RAH for inspiration! Finally!</li>
<li>Went to a kaiten-zushi (回転寿司) place--commonly known as "conveyor belt sushi"--for the first time with three people from the church (which I managed to get to BY MYSELF and on time with only taking one wrong turn, and I got all the trains right).</li>
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<li>One of those people I went with? Taught him how to say "I work at a nursing home". I think it was rather entertaining for all of us :)</li>
<li>Went to the library for the first time and found the gender-specific "copy corner"; guess they don't want people making out when they're supposed to be making copies...</li>
<li>Also, Japanese keyboards are different, and they aren't in the CIE building so I hadn't seen them until I went to the library. Which you would love, Reba.</li>
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<li>I went to a hookah "bar" (Cafe Istanbul) and smoked hookah for the first time. Totally overrated, probably won't smoke it ever again, but I'm not ashamed of the experience.</li>
<li>There's a delicious Indian place called New Dehli right across from campus that, I am convinced, is trying to make me fat.</li>
<li>I've been spelling a lot of English words wrong since I started speaking Japanese more I think, even though I had two hour-plus conversations with Japanese guys in English this week...oops.</li>
<li>One of those guys is from Kobe and likes Maroon 5, Jack Johnson, Jimmy Eat World, and Billy Joel, and I feel like his friend (one of the few Japanese people I've met more than once) was trying to set us up. Why do I feel like this is definitely not the worst thing ever.</li>
<li>I ran for 20 minutes at 5:30 in the morning three days in a row--does that deserve two medium fries, two cokes, and a hamburger from McDonald's on two of those days? Probably not. No regrets.</li>
<li>Weird/crazy weather is hard to deal with sometimes, but it does awesome things to the sky.</li>
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<li>Apparently I really love Japanese sweet potato everything (セツマイモ、setsumaimo). And rice. This is a good thing. Oh and Asian pears. Thanks Kyle.</li>
<li>Played guitar with Trevor at 930 on a Monday night under a bridge by the river in Neyagawa near some drunk people. That was awesome.</li>
<li>Found out my host dad has a guitar but hates practicing it so he keeps it in the "penthouse", which I'm pretty sure is the attic. Got to play it for the first time today. Definitely going to be a regular occurrence. Love it.</li>
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<li>Talked to my lit prof for an hour and half about "my paper", which was mostly him ranting about the problems of structured education. Pretty much all of which I agreed with, but that poor Japanese girl outside that probably thought "a few more minutes" actually meant "a few more minutes"...</li>
<li>Yukio Mishima was a fascinating human being. Look him up.</li>
<li>We get cookies in class a lot. That's cool.</li>
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Yep. That about sums it up. Imagine if I had tried to work all that in in one well-composed blog post. OVERRATED.</div>
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So that's all. I have a poem about Hiroshima to share with you, but I think I'll save it for next time. Expect a serious post. Going to Hiroshima Saturday, Shikoku (island) Sunday. </div>
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じゃあね。(Ja-ne.)</div>
Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-16530837704767188782013-09-30T03:09:00.001-07:002013-09-30T03:09:27.178-07:00Moments to Remember(Blogging again already?! Whaaaaat? Yeah, I know. It's awesome.)<br />
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*ahem*<br />
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That moment when...<br />
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<li>...you stop to stretch on a run at 530 in the morning, turn around, and your jaw literally drops at the sight of a beautiful sunrise</li>
<li>...the only sound you can here is your own breathing as you watch the sky change color</li>
<li>...speaking English sounds weird or you totally blank on a simple word because you've been speaking so much Japanese</li>
<li>...you interject a short phrase to someone in Japanese and they say 「えっ!日本語OK?」because your pronunciation is so authentic that they think you actually understand everything they've been saying</li>
<li>...you find a project worth a significant amount of your time and energy</li>
<li>...you realize for the first time that someone genuinely cares about your well-being...because they have the light of Christ</li>
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Just had to put that out there for today. Perhaps I will add to this list later.</div>
Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-13051967264983978002013-09-29T01:31:00.000-07:002013-09-29T01:41:51.728-07:00ChangeSo, as you might have guessed, things have been picking up around here, and I feel a lot more spiritually and mentally healthy. Also, this is the Sunday of our first "regular" 2-day weekend in a few weeks and I have yet to start my homework, really, which I count as a good sign because it means I'm getting out and doing things :) And man, is that true.<br />
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As I related in my last post, last weekend kept me busy enough that I had a little bit of catching up to do with homework this past week (which really just means that I did it at a regular rate like a regular person, reading in the few hours between classes and doing my Japanese homework the night before instead of like 3 days early), so I spent a lot of time with my nose in books and not a lot of time speaking Japanese. However, I got to see some very impressive documentaries--half-hour segments created by graduate students from USC--and hear from the makers, thereby getting inspired to be bold and try my hand at anthropological film-making rather than simply taking photos. Shortly after deciding to make this change, my subject of course changed too, and I intend to make a film on Christian churches (perhaps only one) in Japan.<br />
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Speaking of, I was able to adventure to the far side of Osaka with a friend to a tiiiiny church that just started as a branch of the Tokyo Church of Christ. Of course, it was pretty awesome just getting there,starting 15 minutes late, making three or four train line transfers, walking into suburbia from the last one, AND arriving at the church twenty minutes early, but I've gotta say, this friend of mine can really pick 'em (churches). Or God can. Both, I guess, but in any case, we met two other international students at the service, one from America and one from Germany, and they both attend school in Osaka. Also, several members speak pretty good English, and one of the main dudes (still not totally sure of his position) is married to an Australian woman who translated the service for us! Of course, she had two little rugrats to manage during the service as well, so her translations were rather distracted and somewhat simplistic, I felt (because I could actually understand some of the Japanese!), but I was very engaged, for the most part. Also, we got to sing hymns in Japanese (no accompaniment, just a pitch pipe to start), which I actually KNEW in English, and understood some in Japanese! I can't remember the song titles now, but they were famous, and it was all just really exciting :) Then afterward we walked to a nearby supermarket to buy lunch and returned to eat and chat with everybody. There was one guy, Darryl (dunno about spelling), from Indiana, who has lived in Japan the past 13 years or so, and I spoke with him a lot, but I was pleased with the amount of conversation I could make in Japanese (and I think singing the hymns and following along reading the Bible is REALLY going to help that) :)<br />
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All in all, it's super exciting, and at the moment at least, I don't even care that it's over an hour away.<br />
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But I haven't even mentioned Saturday! Or Friday! Saturday, I went to Fushimi Inari Shrine in the Kyoto prefecture with my Religion class, and even though it kind of seemed like we rushed through it (my professor HAS been there like a million times), it was pretty cool. I read online that it's about 233 meters to the top of the "mountain", where the lower, middle, and upper shrines are located (kind of anticlimactic really), which doesn't sound like much to my fellow Alaskans, but there were a LOT of stairs (<i>kaidan</i>)...and it got pretty hot by the end of it, at 1 in the afternoon.<br />
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These orange things are all "<i>torii</i>", a sort of sacred "gate"; at this shrine, these structures are put up when a company donates a large sum of money, which is supposed to be a sort of "guarantee" (as in, if it works great, if not, oh well) of prosperity </div>
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This is the view from the halfway point, I think--at the top, there are too many trees to see anything.</div>
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From the other direction, you can see the company names inscribed on the <i>torii</i></div>
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Since Inari is said to be represented by a shape-shifting fox, the <i>ema </i>or prayer boards pictured here are in the form of a fox head (with individual artistic embellishments, of course)</div>
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Inari the "fox"</div>
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The woodsier section--I like :)</div>
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Even at the top of the "mountain" they have these gift/food shops!</div>
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Sooo, even though Inari is supposed to be a Shinto god, there are Buddhist statues at Fushimi as well...</div>
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Delicious waffle fish filled with custard, cornflakes, whipped cream, and strawberries with chocolate drizzled on top--tourist-y shrines are like state fairs, except better :) (no rides though)</div>
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Near the station, post-hike</div>
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After touring the shrine, a friend and I wandered around Kyoto looking for an ATM and a got a university crossing guard to WALK us to one like, half a mile from his post...dunno why that's like, okay, but it was really nice :) Then we went into downtown Kyoto and wandered the shops of Gion, and finally ate lunch and had a nice cold beer at a sweet ramen place with really weird music (ill-fitting? idk, a really random assortment).<br />
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Part of the autumn middle-school activities, possibly for Sports Day (<i>taiikunohi</i>)? Happened upon it accidentally--forgot the name, but it ends in <i>kai</i>, I think<i>.</i></div>
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Ramen shop :)</div>
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Beer and food tickets--you buy them through a vending-machine type thing in front of the store, then hand them to the waiter!</div>
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Holy fashion statement.</div>
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One of the many shopping districts in Japan (in/near Gion)</div>
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The mini cactus I bought at the 100 yen shop! (Yes I know I can't take it home with me.)</div>
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Center of the shopping district (they're pretty much village-sized)</div>
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But that wasn't all--as tired as I thought I was when I got home around 7:30, I managed to recoup in the next hour and half or so and go out for my first karaoke experience in Japan--MAN is that different. Like, you get your own room, drink all you can (even though I'm pretty sure the drinks are like 90% water), and have to be tech-savvy enough to figure out how to search for the songs/artists you want (or else get one of the hostess people to show you how to work it and speak to you in English, like we did, haha). 1440 yen (about $14.40) for 3 hours and a room, so next time, it probably will be more than two of us...still, 720 each wasn't bad. And we got to sing Avril Lavigne, ABBA, Adele, Aerosmith, Avenged Sevenfold, Snow Patrol, LES MISERABLES, and...well we couldn't really figure out the Japanese ones, haha. Oh and my friend and I made our first Japanese CD purchases, purely based on the cover art and the fact that they were all under 500 yen :) Pretty awesome, haha.<br />
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(no pics of this, sorry guys :P)</div>
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As I said, though, I haven't done my homework yet, and it's almost 5 o'clock here, so the last thing I'll mention is that my first after-school meeting with my Japanese prof went VERY well--we covered 6 days worth of lessons in 60 minutes :)<br />
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So! Life is good. Changes are being made in my relationships and thinking and lifestyle (more running, though not enough to balance out how much I've been eating I don't think, unfortunately), and it's really good. I mean, there are still ups and downs, and there's sadness amidst the joy, but I'm excited about the future. And I hope I can be more coherent next time! Although probably not, haha.<br />
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Anyway. Peace out scouts. <i>Mata ne!</i><br />
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Oh! Also--songs that were in my head today: You Get Me - Zoegirl, Stories - Superchick (blast from the past on those two, right?), and Give Me One Reason - Tyrone Wells. Also, Florence + the Machine, all day errday.<br />
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That's all for now :)<br />
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<br />Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-41379248591428011182013-09-23T04:11:00.000-07:002013-09-23T04:11:15.111-07:00Waiting for a Train, PerhapsIt's hard to express how grateful I am for the changes that have occurred in me/my life in the last couple of days (it's been a while since I blogged, no?). You see, this past Saturday, I managed to work myself into such a depressed state that I was convinced this whole semester would be something akin to a complete waste--an utter failure. I became self-conscious over the smallest of things and my host mom could tell there was something wrong, as I remained almost entirely mute for the evening (she asked if it was homesickness, then gently suggested I cheer up before she left the house for the evening, and I all but burst into tears as soon as she closed the door). I was just totally in despair. I did "cheer up" in the next couple hours, talked with my host dad and sister, and showed them all the pictures of me in my yukata (kimono) from earlier that day. But as I confided in a friend over Facebook, the "problem" just wasn't "solved" and I was anticipating a total mental breakdown like I'd never experienced before. But then someone prayed. And another person prayed. And I slept for probably 10 hours. <br />
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So then it was Sunday. I went for a run, took a shower, had breakfast, read my bible, went out to the local Starbucks with my homework and was delighted and amused to hear some really old American oldies playing. I came home and had a delicious lunch with my host mom, went out again to meet some people at the Hirakata-shi station to go to a soccer game, and got stood up. And then I did something I hadn't been able to bring myself to do since I arrived in Japan--I hopped on a train to Osaka, all by myself.<br />
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(fresh off the train--now what?)</div>
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Now, I don't know when exactly the change occurred that made it possible for me to brush off such a "slight" (although it's not really their fault--communication is just difficult here) and get excited about doing something like this alone, since I had been so wanting of company, but things only got better from there. Found some nice British people to direct me to Osaka Castle, FOUND the castle (without making any wrong turns), climbed a tree, took some great pictures (even though I forgot both of my cameras and had to use my cell phone), sort of wrote a poem, and found a friend to meet me at the castle.<br />
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in the tree :)</div>
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Osaka-jo!</div>
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From there we wandered around Osaka, took wrong turns, asked for directions, and finally got to Shinsaibashi, one of the huge shopping districts in Japan. Once there, my friend was able to show me around (having been there before) and took me to an all-you-can-eat dessert buffet called "Sweets Paradise". After that we ended up at the river (can't remember which one) and I was pleasantly surprised to discover that we share a faith. A Christian faith. And in the blink of an eye I looked back through my whole time here and realized that I shouldn't have been surprised, that if I had been God-centered and of what I would call "sound mind" from the beginning, I would have known right away that this was a person I could trust. At one point, as we sat in silence, I said, "I just keep thinking...the world is a strange place," to which my friend responded, "I was just thinking that it's hard to find good friends." But I guess we did.<br />
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Maybe this all sounds fairly mediocre, but I believe that God provides. All the time. As a good friend from school back home posted on Facebook today, "God speaks every language, lives in every country, and doesn't need an exchange rate to provide for our every need."<br />
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This morning, I woke up to read "Confidence in the Troubled Times" as the title of my daily devotional, then, "Regardless of what today may bring or the trouble you are now going through...your God is stronger than anything in your life. So, be confident!" I mean, wow. There have been numerous messages like this "sent" to me throughout the last month, but now I believe they are finally starting to hit home. And for the first time in about ten days, I wrote a prayer, this morning, that was not a cry for help or one of anger and confusion, but of thanks and hope. That is one good feeling, lemme tell you what.<br /><br />So naturally, I had a great time going to Kyoto with my speaking partner today to meet his friend for lunch (she even skipped class to stay with us longer because we were late!). And there's probably a lot more I should write, but I just took a break from writing this to go eat dinner (definitely gonna have this food baby that's been growing in the last two days) so I kind of lost my train of thought...<br />
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(view from the train to one part of Kyoto)</div>
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Anyway. Life is good. I know it still won't always be happy, but I feel a lot better about everything. So thank you to everyone who is "on my side" (there's actually a word for those "type" of people in Japanese that is escaping me right now, but that's pretty cool, right?) and has been praying and who loves me and maybe hasn't told me in a while :) Blessings on you all, and I'll be sure to write again soon. There may also be some fiction (and more poetry) brewing in the near future, another sign of "healing" I believe :)<br />
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Over and out.Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-41503584313157897422013-09-16T03:40:00.003-07:002013-09-16T03:40:47.792-07:00RollercoastersWell. Where to start. Up and down, up and down, always on a rollercoaster...and I'm not sure how much of the fault is mine, or whether it's not about fault but the natural progression of things...God's plan...all these things come to mind. Thoughts come and go and some make it onto this blog. I guess we just have to take things as they come.<br />
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So bear with me as I wander with words through the last few days in this post.<br />
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Saturday, I woke up and my host family was gone (as planned), expected to be away from the house until 5 p.m. They said I could come to my little sister's school festival later if I wanted, but they would all be occupied with food stands and performances so I would have to "play" with my host mother's friend. For various reasons I declined, and they seemed to be suggesting earlier in the week that I 'needn't be bothered with going' so I didn't feel bad. I didn't end up going to a Danjiri festival (dunno the actual translation or anything, I think it was just something for Shinto) in Osaka because I couldn't/didn't find anyone to go with, but I was soon happy to have the day to myself. Caught up on some reading for school and devotional-type-stuff (although I'm fairly disappointed in my inability to retain any of it and yet somehow still apathetic about digging deeper in the Word), explored the mini shopping district (it's really not a district, you'll see), went to a nearby cafe in the second floor of a grocery store (that allows smoking...), vacuumed my room, took a few pictures, etc. It was a pretty good day, nice weather and all.<br />
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Sunday, Kansai Gaidai was hosting an Open Campus Day for local high school students, a big part of which was the "Let's Talk with International Students!" event. I signed up for it a few weeks ago, committing to nothing more than casual conversations (in English) with high school students about Alaska, America, anything they wanted to know. </div>
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Or so I thought. </div>
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It ended up being really fun, of course, but it was more structured than I expected--KG student volunteers ushering high schoolers in and out of chairs in front of each international student every 10 minutes or so--and a few of the students who stopped by spoke basically no English (and some just nodded a bunch and I have no idea if they actually understood anything I said in English). It went a little over the allotted time, but most of us didn't have anything else to do besides homework, so that was okay. Afterwards I went for ramen (real ramen with meat and veggies in it, in a HUGE bowl) and gyoza (basically the same as pot stickers) and <i>kashisu </i>ice cream (sherbet, we discovered after ordering it) which apparently translates to "black currant"... Anyway, aside from the heavy rain fall on the walk to the restaurant and my serious fatigued-ness when I got home, it was a good day. Oh but then my host mom suggested she and my sister and I watch a "3D" remake of the American remake of the original "Ring" movie which was pretty terrible but also creepy enough to make me listen to happy music and read a book and leave the lights on for a while before I went to bed. I just really hate horror movies. I should have said something.<br />
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Anyway.<br />
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That night I also wrote in my journal about doubts (again). It wasn't an exhaustive list, but it covered a lot in like 2 little pages (in a 4x6" notebook, maybe?), and the next morning (today), what do I read but "God's Will" as the title for my daily devotional; here are some excerpts:<br />
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<ul>
<li><i>We're often looking for God's will--especially when we're in a difficult situation. We wonder, </i>What will happen to me here? Should I stay or does God want me somewhere else?</li>
<li><i>But you say, "Suppose I take the first step. What will happen next?" That's God's business. Your task and mine is to obey this day and leave the future to him</i>.</li>
<li>"God knows each winding way I take, / And every sorrow, pain, and ache; / His children He will not forsake-- / He knows and loves his own." --Bosch(?)</li>
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That last one was like a direct response to my prayer last night for God to "Never leave us nor forsake us." It was my way of saying, 'you promised, whether I'm good or bad'. (I wonder sometimes if I behave a little childishly, but I always think of Jesus' request for us to be like children before God...) As happy as I was to hear this, as convicted, I rushed through it in an effort to get to the train station to go on our class field trip to Fushimi Inari shrine in Kyoto (I think Kyoto?). However, there was a typhoon last night/this morning, and there was a bunch of flooding so a lot of trains weren't running, and none were on time. I got less than half way there (and on three different trains, instead of the expected one) before I ended up having to turn back. But I thought hey, probably no one else could get there on time either (or there at all), and maybe this means I'm supposed to stay in today.</div>
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Naturally, my friend texted me a copy of an email he received from Kansai Gaidai as I was on my way home, saying 'don't go outside even if the weather looks nice. it's dangerous. kthxbai'. Basically. So I got a lot of homework done today, even went for my first run in Japan (and of course managed to go the wrong way when the path my host mom and I planned was pretty much completely straight), but I can't help but feel like I should have interacted with people more today...my host family members all seemed to be engaged in some solitary activity today, and I still feel like something had to change in our current mode of communication...but I don't know what to do about it/don't want to try and figure it out. Because one would think that honesty is the best policy and asking what a word means any time you don't understand would be a good idea, but it just hasn't worked out. 'Follow God's plan, follow God's plan' runs through my head--well WHAT IS IT? WHY IS IT SO HARD. *Sigh*. I just don't know. This is my life and I have to get used to it. But WHEN am I going to get to Osaka? WHEN am I actually going to get together with all my fellow Gusties? WHY does it seem like everyone is making friends faster and better than I am? WHY do my professors give me so much to read but say 'well, I don't reeeeally expect you to do the readings, but you <i>should</i>.' I mean, wtf. Seriously.<br /><br />But, I'm ranting. It's 7:40 now, probably getting close to dinner. NOT waking up at 5 am to go "run" (he said walk last time, jog today, and mom said run...what?) tomorrow since I've got a ton of time during the day, but I do have more stuff to get done tonight. Trying to free up time later in the week so I can JUMP at any opportunity to go somewhere with someone that I would want to go with...like Japanese people...</div>
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So that's all, for now. Maybe one of these days I'll actually have some relevant pics to put up.</div>
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<i>Mata ne. </i></div>
Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-69435508408327077962013-09-13T06:33:00.001-07:002013-09-13T06:33:40.088-07:00DerpyYeah, it's not a "real" word, but a classmate of mine used it to describe whale sharks to me on the train home yesterday, as a reassurance after I told her I had a bad dream about sharks the other night (which I've actually had a lot of--not about sharks, just nightmarish things--but that is perhaps a topic for another post, if they continue). It just so happens that I find this non-word a good title for this summary of me and my life in the last few days.<br />
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You see, this is what I picture with the word "derpy", after having done a Google search of the word:<br />
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(try to forget the human next to this^ guy so he seems smaller and I think you can see why my friend called them derpy)</div>
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(my little pony. oh dear.)</div>
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So what does this have to do with me? Well, I've just felt a bit ridiculous lately. Last night, for example, I discovered that High School Musical is just as popular with Japanese choir directors, and my <i>imouto </i>("ou" is always a long 'o' sound in romanized Japanese, or "romaji") happens to be in like four different clubs singing and dancing and acting out various scenes from the first movie. All of this, <i>in English</i>. So I try not to laugh too hard watching my adorable little sister sing in her imperfect English while doing the dance moves I try not to remember from my own choir experiences, and my <i>okaasan</i> suggests that she (Suzu) listen to ME--"a native speaker"--sing it. Except that it was the "Wild--Cats--sing along!" chant part, and I just COULD. NOT. DO IT. But we all had a good laugh despite my intense embarrassment (which was really kind of silly, since my sis was saying "yeah you really <i>go </i>it going on" in her heavy Japanese accent, not knowing what she was singing, I don't think...). So that was a good kind of derpy.</div>
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Not-so-good kind of derpy: being sort of pranked by my volleyball team by them telling me the wrong names, at first. I mean, I think it was all in good fun, but I couldn't really tell, and that made it really awkward...I was meeting them all for the first time, there were only four of us <i>gaijin </i>(short for <i>gaikokujin</i>, foreigner) among the 35 (one new guy was from Okinawa though, which is apparently really different, and he was one of the few who spoke pretty good English), and in the group I was with the girls talked REALLY quietly and the guys seemed kind of like...what? You don't speak Japanese? So I mean, it was a good time, I'm definitely going back, but there were a lot of uncomfortable moments where I just felt like a total dork because I was the only one in the dark...idk. Whatever. Still not so bad, right?</div>
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Well, the "Rules of Living in Japan" book my host mom handed me at the dinner table made me reeeeally self-conscious about my table manners...which everyone tells me I'm overthinking...but I can't help but be paranoid when all my Western professors are giving us readings that say you have to follow all these complicated rules or you'll REALLY make a fool of yourself! And that's exactly what I feel like I'm doing. All the time. Accidentally recording myself swearing on my speaking homework, being the only one still on the train and having the train conductor tell me I need to get off when I was SURE I was on the same train I always take that goes to my school, not being able to understand a lot of the children's books that my speaking partner took an HOUR to read and "translate" to me...all these things just make me feel DERPY at best and embarrassingly incompetent at worst. I keep telling myself and hearing from others, 'just START TALKING in Japanese. Go meet people.' Well, I have one good day of meeting like 12 Japanese people and adding them on Facebook and writing their names down and I say 'okay, let's take a break.' And then I just get depressed (<i>ochikomu</i>, which I just learned, and of course managed to memorize on the spot...) when I come home tired and can't manage to understand anything my <i>okaasan </i>or <i>imouto </i>say...it's really frustrating. I can say 'I just have to go out there and USE it [the Japanese language] on people' and 'I just have to let God take total control' but putting those two key ideas into practice, it turns out, is a lot harder than just repeating them.<br /></div>
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So, there's some more ranting from me. I could go on, but...well...even I get tired of hearing myself talk about my own shortcomings. I feel like I'm trying to do the impossible, but I'm not even sure what the impossible IS. Anyway. Unfulfilling classes are bringing me down, but I <i>did </i>find my first fellow Christians. Expect updates on that development in the future. Next post will probably be Monday or Tuesday.<br /><br />And sorry I'm so dropping the ball on pictures...check my Facebook.</div>
<br />Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-68739251918634798812013-09-10T07:36:00.002-07:002013-09-10T07:36:33.267-07:00FailureI've thought a lot about failure(s), recently. In fact, I started making a list of things I failed at somehow in the last 2 weeks. This is how it starts:<br />
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Level 4 Speaking Japanese test: failed.<br />
Speaking Japanese in everyday life: failed.<br />
Securing a part-time job as a writing tutor: failed.<br />
Slurping noodles correctly: failed.<br />
Doing laundry correctly: failed.<br />
Get home without taking a wrong turn: failed.<br />
Getting my first homework assignment in on time: failed.<br />
Praying daily: failed.<br />
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And then a certain song "randomly" came to mind just now, a few hours later...<br />
I think this says all there is to say:<br />
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"From the Inside Out"<br />
by Hillsong United<br />
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A thousand times I've failed<br />
Still your mercy remains<br />
And should I stumble again<br />
Still I'm caught in your grace<br />
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades<br />
Never-ending, your glory goes beyond all fame<br />
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Your will above all else<br />
My purpose remains<br />
The art of losing myself<br />
in bringing you praise<br />
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades<br />
Never-ending, your glory goes beyond all fame<br />
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In my heart, in my soul<br />
Lord, I give you control<br />
Consume me from the inside out<br />
Let justice and praise<br />
Become my embrace<br />
To love you from the inside out<br />
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Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades<br />
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame<br />
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise<br />
From the inside out<br />
Lord my soul cries out<br />
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From the inside out,<br />
Lord, my soul cries out.<br />
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Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-63636453750700236792013-09-07T19:08:00.000-07:002013-09-07T19:08:03.514-07:00DoubtThere are many titles I considered for this post, but "doubt" seems to cover everything. Since my last post, I have been very busy. On Thursday I attended 5 classes, the first three of which were all in Japanese, one right after another. I don't remember much about the day except that my Visual Anthropology class was very engaging as we were critiquing each other's photos. Sounds good, right? Friday: dressed nice, got complimented on it, felt good about the two tests I took for language (re)placement, and was very inspired by my literature professor to keep writing and reading and travelling (with no money). Super, right? Well, then, as I was loitering by the mailboxes chatting with my friends for a ridiculously long time about anything and everything, my Level 3 professor arrives and hands me my results directly instead of putting them in my mailbox (they don't have locks, btw). The conversation sort of continues, but my friends are waiting for me to reveal the mystery. The paper reads something like this:<br />
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We appreciate your desire to challenge yourself this semester, however, we think it would be best for you to remain in level 3.<br />
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SPJ: 3E RWJ: 3(current section)<br />
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I tried to brush it off, really. One of my friends even said "good! Then you won't have to study all the time!" and I laughed and said 'well, yeah,' but as the day went on, the feeling grew worse and worse. I was just plain disappointed. And confused, seeing as how I legitimately thought I did well enough on both tests to merit a higher placement. By now, I'm resigned to it and I don't even really care. Learning Japanese really isn't about language classes. Perhaps that brings me to my next point.<br />
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A friend was having a birthday party that night. The friends I had been talking to had been discussing said party and the fact that we really needed to get going so we could freshen up and get back to Hirakata in time. The friend who was having the birthday party was turning 20, the legal drinking age in Japan (not that it's enforced--AT ALL). I'm not one to drink for stress relief, but I wanted to go out with people my age who spoke English well and were going through similar things as me, so I was raring to go. But in my haste to get there "on time", I didn't make time for a real dinner (got some <i>konbini </i>snacks) and we didn't end up leaving until an hour or so after the "appointed" time anyway (this is what happens when no has cell phones or has exchanged numbers). So I'm a little irritated when they make the reservation for the place even <i>later, </i>and the group grows to about 45 people. For better or worse, about ten of us break off with one Japanese girl who takes us to her favorite place, which we fill to capacity with our hodge-podge "mini" group.<br />
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It was fun. I had a good time. But then we go to the ACTUAL place and it's like, 10:30, and I probably should have paced myself a bit more. But I don't care. It's loud and crazy and we're eating great Japanese food and weird drinks and theeeeen my instincts are telling me it's time to go. I don't wanna be there if everything goes to crap. So I leave with 1000 yen (cash) to my name and make it home by myself at around 11:55 (I said I'd be home at 11:30, but my host mother was very understanding). Great. Safe.<br />
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But totally depressed. And I kept telling myself that it was just the alcohol. Duh. <i>Depressants</i> will do that. But the next day (yesterday), I go shopping with my Okaasan (host mom) for clothes (another source of depression--most people dress pretty nice here <i>all </i>the time. I knew that, but somehow it hadn't clicked), and I sort of get what I wanted (I mean, it was very inexpensive), but it took longer than I thought and I spoke almost no Japanese (another source of frustration/depression). Then we went to a tiny hole-in-the-wall place (like most of them, I guess) for lunch (udon and tempura), and of course it was way too hot like it always is and I suck and slurping noodles and using chopsticks in general, so there was another block on the frustration pile. We got home at 4, I took a three hour nap. Bad choice. Went upstairs to study and get help from my mom. Second bad choice. She's great for confirmation of things and editing my homework, but as far as actual explaining/teaching, I just didn't get it. And then my face starts getting hot and my eyes are turning glassy and there's a catch in my throat and I'm thinking 'oh no. Not now. I don't think I could possibly explain to her why I would be crying.' But I manage to keep my composure long enough to write a few more characters and tell her that I'm going to Skype and confirm dinner after that.<br />
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And bless my dear boyfriend's heart for taking his Saturday morning to listen to me complain about everything in my life while being a sniffly mess. Needless to say, things got better after that, but a text from his friend at that moment almost brought me to tears again, for an entirely different reason; it included,<br />
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Matthew 11:28&30<br />
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ...For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."<br />
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I hurt, and my Father comes to me, one way or another. I doubt, and my Father comes to me. Not everything is explained. I haven't agreed with all of what I've been reading from his Word, lately. But he is still there. And he may discipline, but he doesn't want to see or make me cry. He is not about saying "no" or being wishy-washy, but warning us to be wise. "For the Son of God, Jesus Christ...was not 'Yes' and 'No,' but<i> in him it has always been 'Yes.'</i> For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ" (2 Corinthians 1:19). It is true that if you "do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight [and] preserve sound judgment and discretion," you should "<i>have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be at your side</i> and will keep your foot from being snared" (Proverbs 3:21~25). But I'm not doing everything right and <i>I'm not Japanese</i>. I will never be Japanese. But I can try and understand. I can try to be patient and try to remember that whatever happens happens and I am here for a reason. I know a lot of good will come out of it, and some already has, but I do fail and I will fail sometimes. And despite all that we "know", there always seems to be a lot that we can't bring ourselves to <i>do</i>. But there is a God above who loves, who is real, who is THE creator of the universe and the author and protector of my faith. And as long as I can believe that, I'm gonna be okay.<br />
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So God, please give me the confidence to try and fail. <i>Your </i>strength to carry on. <i>Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. </i>And don't ever stop telling us you love us.Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-49528139410814686332013-09-04T06:10:00.001-07:002013-09-04T15:58:27.288-07:00When It Rains, It Pours......and I make it rain ;) I finally get motivated to study, and I do it for THREE HOURS.<br />
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I mean, I guess it should come as no surprise to me that on the day that I'm most in the Scriptures, I get the most done in terms of school. I had 3 Japanese classes today because I'm observing the level above my current one, I just finished studying said Japanese (kanji, grammar, vocab, the whole shebang) for 3 hours, I LIVE in Japan...that's a lot of Japanese in one day. And I don't think I could have handled all that without having some words of truth and wisdom to start my morning off and stick in my subconscious (we'll see if I retained any of it on Friday when I have to take both the level 3 and the level 4 test if I want to move up, which I do because I know I CAN). Here are some interesting things that came to mind as I was reading:<br />
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<li>At Kiyomizudera (the temple) the other day, my Japanese friends suggested that we try participating in a Buddhist (Shinto? I should know which one!) ritual of tossing in some yen and making a bow (there was probably more to it than that, but I wasn't really paying attention). Instinctively, perhaps, I declined "for religious reasons". And I thought it would be horrendously awkward for a while (I tend to dwell on those sorts of things, like being under-dressed for the opening ceremony...still kicking myself?), but soon enough we were on our way chatting and laughing again. Seems pretty banal, right? Well, think what you will, but it occurs to me that even when I'm not conscious of God's presence, the Holy Spirit dwells in me and protects me always; as much as I'm getting to like it here, I'm still not totally <i>comfortable</i>, but then I remember that I've only been here like 10 days and I don't even have a finalized class schedule yet because they just started this week...slow down, right? Anyway, I think it's cool that I can be in Japan and almost seeing what it's like to <i>be </i> Japanese without God letting me forget his truth.</li>
<li>Another thing about the Kyoto trip: at one of the shrines (maybe you saw the pictures of FB), an acquaintance and I poured some water over our hands that was supposed to "make us beautiful". I couldn't tell you why I thought <i>that </i>was okay and not the prayer ritual, but maybe it's something about the nature of superstition--for me anyway, I kind of just do it sometimes without really believing. Like wishing on 11:11--now I pretty much just pray at that time if I notice, because it's kind of the same thing only with better results, right? Anyway, I realized yesterday that I was complimented on my dress, etc. by several people on Saturday, and when I met my host parents on Sunday, the first thing my mother (Okaasan/お母さん) said was "かわいいですね", which basically means "how cute/pretty!" Their neighbor also said something to the same effect when I met her that night, and that wasn't the last I heard of it. So after pondering the order of those occurrences, I wonder if maybe, along with all the insecurities of being in a new place (and one in which you're bound to be damp and smelly by the end of the day), I was also in need of some "physical" affirmation, and God was like 'hey, I know you know you don't need some stinkin' Buddhist/Shinto water to make you beautiful, but here's a gift to remind you how awesome everything I created is, including you!' So that was a highlight I guess.</li>
<li>For your consideration, 1 Corinthians 14:10-12 says, "Undoubtedly there are all sorts of languages in the world, yet none of them is without meaning. If then I do not grasp what someone is saying, I am a foreigner to the speaker, and the speaker is a foreigner to me. So it is with you...try to excel in those [gifts of the Spirit] that build up the church." I suppose Paul was talking about the tongues of "angels", so to speak, but I can read it a little differently here in Japan, I think. Maybe you can too.</li>
<li>James 1:27 is another good reminder I received today: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."</li>
<li>Psalm 142:7 is of David, and reads, "Set me free...that I may praise your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me." How perfect, that I would read this when I had JUST been given some quiet time completely to myself (an empty house) to sing a little worship, which I realized I had been missing. Also, "the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me"...that, I think is a GREAT comfort.</li>
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Lastly, just read Psalms 142-145. I was really into those today. And speaking of GREAT...apparently that is one translation of "sugoi/すごい", which seems to have a lot more meaning than I thought...hooray for being confused.<br />
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See y'all on the flipside.<br />
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P.S. Forgot to mention the real reason for the name of this post, ha. It also rained a TON yesterday and the weather changes faster than any place I've lived in. Like, within minutes. There was something else...I'll have to edit this again later.Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-63713981358224860322013-09-02T03:27:00.001-07:002013-09-02T03:27:05.922-07:00Still ClenchingSo in my daily Bible-reading, it just so happens that today was the day to read Psalm 139 (among other things), and the verses that stuck out to me were 9 and 10: "If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." I don't know if I had noticed these lines when I named the blog, but I can't believe I'd forgotten about them in any case. While they <i>are </i>comforting words, reading this this morning also reminded me that just because He's THERE doesn't mean we will acknowledge him and accept his help, or the help of others for that matter (through him, perhaps). So maybe that's why, even though it took me like 50% longer than it should have, I successfully made the trek from Gotenyama station to Kansai Gaidai in time for the opening ceremony, and not totally drenched in sweat or rainwater (it's been raining the last couple of days, and you never know if it's going to stop in five minutes or turn into a typhoon in half that time) or out of breath. I asked a very nice man how to get there and he walked with me until I got to a place I recognized. I even walked back with my speaking partner at the end of the day without any help (he doesn't live in the area)! Unfortunately, I rejected my instinct that we were supposed to dress in semi-formal attire for the ceremony and felt seriously under-dressed...and I'd be willing to bet that if I would just let go of my fear and uncertainty and actually surrender this adventure to God COMPLETELY, I would have remembered the memo. I still have to unclench the fist that's holding on to the safety net of the English language.<br />
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One thing I will say is that I feel like I've been very optimistic lately, at least in my conversations with other people. It's weird--I feel like I'm giving advice that I'm not taking. I feel like I've been trying to comfort people when I'm not comfortable myself! It's an interesting dynamic, and not one I'm certain I understand yet. Like, I don't know if this is a good or bad thing--do I need to comfort people in order to feel comfortable? At what point should I...well, I guess I just need to start believing that God is really there, that he will really provide, and there's no reason I shouldn't thrive here.<br />
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Anyway. You probably want some more details. Well, I met some new people (still not many Japanese, and my conversations with Seiji certainly have not improved yet), had an egg salad-onion-and-ham sandwich in a hotdog bun thing and another cold sausage-relish-ketchup-and-mustard one for breakfast, was somewhat unimpressed with my first class (Religion in Japan), finalized my alien registration/residence card, received my first phone call in Japanese and didn't know what to do, and discovered that the name of the town I live in now (Neyagawa) means something like "sleepy afternoon river".<br />
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I think that about covers it for the time being. Now to relieve my headache with either some sleep or the elusive glass of water....<br />
TTFN!<br />
<br />Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7990383603275906375.post-38833465157894232422013-09-01T04:01:00.003-07:002014-03-02T18:11:31.854-08:00Catching upYes, I'm sure we have a lot of catching up to do, you and I, dear reader. All in due time. So much has happened since I arrived in Japan that I don't really want to go back and do a play by play, but here are some photo highlights of the week:<br />
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Japan from above!</div>
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Rice paddies</div>
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Temporary dorm room!<br />
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Manju--believe it or not, it's food!<br />
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The university computer lab--and you thought this was the age of technology!<br />
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Welcome to Kansai Gaidai's Nakamiya campus :)<br />
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At Kiyomizudera!<br />
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View from the other side (the "Pure Water" temple)<br />
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One of the coolest places we went to, and I can't even remember the name! (It was really long.) Something about taking a cable car up a mountain and walking through the forest at night with a lantern in your hand to get to a Buddhist temple is pretty awesome. Literally.</div>
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International candy, side by side :)</div>
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Rooftop laundering!</div>
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So now you have an idea what I've been up to (if you haven't seen all the hundred other photos on Facebook already). As for today (Sunday, the start of a new week), I got up early and moved out of the Seminar House and in with my host family in Neyagawa. It's not too far from school, but I had to get a train pass that cost me 6980 yen (or about that much to get a bike and ride 45 minutes to school...I don't think so. Not with a 9 a.m. class!). I'll be out another 5980 after I pay my family back for the phone I got, too (bureaucratic complications, big surprise, and I still don't quite know if it's exactly what I need). So despite the inexpensiveness of clothing and food, living <i>does </i>seem to be expensive here in Japan. I know it will be worth it, but I think I still have to watch my spending. Hopefully the major fees are out of the way!</div>
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Another issue is communication--obviously so, but I also don't remember as much Japanese as I thought I would. Even though the first day with my host family has been good, it makes me sad that I can't seem to communicate with them very much at all because they've done so much for me already, driving me around town and buying me cheesecake and udon and sushi (although my <i>okaasan</i> said she was going to get it anyway).</div>
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The last thing I'll mention is that I have yet to make time to really get quiet with God (yes, I do feel a little guilty for writing this instead of talking to him), but I did see a poster in the CIE building on campus advertising an "international" bilingual Christian church that many KG students have attended in the past, so hopefully I get a chance to check that out. </div>
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Anyway, it's about dinner time (8pm now) so I better sign off. I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but I feel like my writing hasn't really sounded like "me" since I got here, so I'll try to be more coherent next time. Classes start tomorrow so hopefully I can comfortable with my schedule quickly so I can really settle into being here AND being me.</div>
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Mata ashta! (また明日、until tomorrow, or later!)</div>
<br />Caitlin M. S. Buxbaumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02794272543965318111noreply@blogger.com0