Doubt

There are many titles I considered for this post, but "doubt" seems to cover everything. Since my last post, I have been very busy. On Thursday I attended 5 classes, the first three of which were all in Japanese, one right after another. I don't remember much about the day except that my Visual Anthropology class was very engaging as we were critiquing each other's photos. Sounds good, right? Friday: dressed nice, got complimented on it, felt good about the two tests I took for language (re)placement, and was very inspired by my literature professor to keep writing and reading and travelling (with no money). Super, right? Well, then, as I was loitering by the mailboxes chatting with my friends for a ridiculously long time about anything and everything, my Level 3 professor arrives and hands me my results directly instead of putting them in my mailbox (they don't have locks, btw). The conversation sort of continues, but my friends are waiting for me to reveal the mystery. The paper reads something like this:


We appreciate your desire to challenge yourself this semester, however, we think it would be best for you to remain in level 3.

SPJ: 3E              RWJ: 3(current section)


I tried to brush it off, really. One of my friends even said "good! Then you won't have to study all the time!" and I laughed and said 'well, yeah,' but as the day went on, the feeling grew worse and worse. I was just plain disappointed. And confused, seeing as how I legitimately thought I did well enough on both tests to merit a higher placement. By now, I'm resigned to it and I don't even really care. Learning Japanese really isn't about language classes. Perhaps that brings me to my next point.

A friend was having a birthday party that night. The friends I had been talking to had been discussing said party and the fact that we really needed to get going so we could freshen up and get back to Hirakata in time. The friend who was having the birthday party was turning 20, the legal drinking age in Japan (not that it's enforced--AT ALL). I'm not one to drink for stress relief, but I wanted to go out with people my age who spoke English well and were going through similar things as me, so I was raring to go. But in my haste to get there "on time", I didn't make time for a real dinner (got some konbini snacks) and we didn't end up leaving until an hour or so after the "appointed" time anyway (this is what happens when no has cell phones or has exchanged numbers). So I'm a little irritated when they make the reservation for the place even later, and the group grows to about 45 people. For better or worse, about ten of us break off with one Japanese girl who takes us to her favorite place, which we fill to capacity with our hodge-podge "mini" group.

It was fun. I had a good time. But then we go to the ACTUAL place and it's like, 10:30, and I probably should have paced myself a bit more. But I don't care. It's loud and crazy and we're eating great Japanese food and weird drinks and theeeeen my instincts are telling me it's time to go. I don't wanna be there if everything goes to crap. So I leave with 1000 yen (cash) to my name and make it home by myself at around 11:55 (I said I'd be home at 11:30, but my host mother was very understanding). Great. Safe.

But totally depressed. And I kept telling myself that it was just the alcohol. Duh. Depressants will do that. But the next day (yesterday), I go shopping with my Okaasan (host mom) for clothes (another source of depression--most people dress pretty nice here all the time. I knew that, but somehow it hadn't clicked), and I sort of get what I wanted (I mean, it was very inexpensive), but it took longer than I thought and I spoke almost no Japanese (another source of frustration/depression). Then we went to a tiny hole-in-the-wall place (like most of them, I guess) for lunch (udon and tempura), and of course it was way too hot like it always is and I suck and slurping noodles and using chopsticks in general, so there was another block on the frustration pile. We got home at 4, I took a three hour nap. Bad choice. Went upstairs to study and get help from my mom. Second bad choice. She's great for confirmation of things and editing my homework, but as far as actual explaining/teaching, I just didn't get it. And then my face starts getting hot and my eyes are turning glassy and there's a catch in my throat and I'm thinking 'oh no. Not now. I don't think I could possibly explain to her why I would be crying.' But I manage to keep my composure long enough to write a few more characters and tell her that I'm going to Skype and confirm dinner after that.

And bless my dear boyfriend's heart for taking his Saturday morning to listen to me complain about everything in my life while being a sniffly mess. Needless to say, things got better after that, but a text from his friend at that moment almost brought me to tears again, for an entirely different reason; it included,

Matthew 11:28&30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ...For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I hurt, and my Father comes to me, one way or another. I doubt, and my Father comes to me. Not everything is explained. I haven't agreed with all of what I've been reading from his Word, lately. But he is still there. And he may discipline, but he doesn't want to see or make me cry. He is not about saying "no" or being wishy-washy, but warning us to be wise. "For the Son of God, Jesus Christ...was not 'Yes' and 'No,' but in him it has always been 'Yes.' For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ" (2 Corinthians 1:19). It is true that if you "do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight [and] preserve sound judgment and discretion," you should "have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared" (Proverbs 3:21~25). But I'm not doing everything right and I'm not Japanese. I will never be Japanese. But I can try and understand. I can try to be patient and try to remember that whatever happens happens and I am here for a reason. I know a lot of good will come out of it, and some already has, but I do fail and I will fail sometimes. And despite all that we "know", there always seems to be a lot that we can't bring ourselves to do. But there is a God above who loves, who is real, who is THE creator of the universe and the author and protector of my faith. And as long as I can believe that, I'm gonna be okay.

So God, please give me the confidence to try and fail. Your strength to carry on. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And don't ever stop telling us you love us.