Derpy

Yeah, it's not a "real" word, but a classmate of mine used it to describe whale sharks to me on the train home yesterday, as a reassurance after I told her I had a bad dream about sharks the other night (which I've actually had a lot of--not about sharks, just nightmarish things--but that is perhaps a topic for another post, if they continue). It just so happens that I find this non-word a good title for this summary of me and my life in the last few days.

You see, this is what I picture with the word "derpy", after having done a Google search of the word:

(try to forget the human next to this^ guy so he seems smaller and I think you can see why my friend called them derpy)

(my little pony. oh dear.)

So what does this have to do with me? Well, I've just felt a bit ridiculous lately. Last night, for example, I discovered that High School Musical is just as popular with Japanese choir directors, and my imouto ("ou" is always a long 'o' sound in romanized Japanese, or "romaji") happens to be in like four different clubs singing and dancing and acting out various scenes from the first movie. All of this, in English. So I try not to laugh too hard watching my adorable little sister sing in her imperfect English while doing the dance moves I try not to remember from my own choir experiences, and my okaasan suggests that she (Suzu) listen to ME--"a native speaker"--sing it. Except that it was the "Wild--Cats--sing along!" chant part, and I just COULD. NOT. DO IT. But we all had a good laugh despite my intense embarrassment (which was really kind of silly, since my sis was saying "yeah you really go it going on" in her heavy Japanese accent, not knowing what she was singing, I don't think...). So that was a good kind of derpy.

Not-so-good kind of derpy: being sort of pranked by my volleyball team by them telling me the wrong names, at first. I mean, I think it was all in good fun, but I couldn't really tell, and that made it really awkward...I was meeting them all for the first time, there were only four of us gaijin (short for gaikokujin, foreigner) among the 35 (one new guy was from Okinawa though, which is apparently really different, and he was one of the few who spoke pretty good English), and in the group I was with the girls talked REALLY quietly and the guys seemed kind of like...what? You don't speak Japanese? So I mean, it was a good time, I'm definitely going back, but there were a lot of uncomfortable moments where I just felt like a total dork because I was the only one in the dark...idk. Whatever. Still not so bad, right?

Well, the "Rules of Living in Japan" book my host mom handed me at the dinner table made me reeeeally self-conscious about my table manners...which everyone tells me I'm overthinking...but I can't help but be paranoid when all my Western professors are giving us readings that say you have to follow all these complicated rules or you'll REALLY make a fool of yourself! And that's exactly what I feel like I'm doing. All the time. Accidentally recording myself swearing on my speaking homework, being the only one still on the train and having the train conductor tell me I need to get off when I was SURE I was on the same train I always take that goes to my school, not being able to understand a lot of the children's books that my speaking partner took an HOUR to read and "translate" to me...all these things just make me feel DERPY at best and embarrassingly incompetent at worst. I keep telling myself and hearing from others, 'just START TALKING in Japanese. Go meet people.' Well, I have one good day of meeting like 12 Japanese people and adding them on Facebook and writing their names down and I say 'okay, let's take a break.' And then I just get depressed (ochikomu, which I just learned, and of course managed to memorize on the spot...) when I come home tired and can't manage to understand anything my okaasan or imouto say...it's really frustrating. I can say 'I just have to go out there and USE it [the Japanese language] on people' and 'I just have to let God take total control' but putting those two key ideas into practice, it turns out, is a lot harder than just repeating them.

So, there's some more ranting from me. I could go on, but...well...even I get tired of hearing myself talk about my own shortcomings. I feel like I'm trying to do the impossible, but I'm not even sure what the impossible IS. Anyway. Unfulfilling classes are bringing me down, but I did find my first fellow Christians. Expect updates on that development in the future. Next post will probably be Monday or Tuesday.

And sorry I'm so dropping the ball on pictures...check my Facebook.