Shopping, Adventuring, etc.

MAN I can't believe it's been almost a week already since my last post. It seems like so much is happening! But I'll just start from last Thursday (day after last post) :)

Found a local guitar shop that pretty much looks like a walk-in closet off the street and is chock-full of guitars, but not much else. I just wanted to replace my host dad's guitar strings, so I didn't try to find the one my friend told me about that sounded more "accessible", if you know what I mean--the owner of this shop didn't speak any English, and my Japanese was kind of failing, but the place had a nice homey feel (like lots of shops in Japan) and I got a free pick :)

I'm still having "vision" problems, and it goes like this: I read more than like, two sentences, and then my eyes hurt, and I feel like there's a ball in my throat, and then I feel nauseous. Reading glasses don't seem to be doing much at the moment, and I try to just break up the studying/reading more, but I'm a full-time student...
Maybe my host mom will take me to get my eyes checked this week? Not sure I'll have time...

Saw a guy holding (Swix?) ski poles at the train station the other day. 'nuff said.

Had my first mid-term on Friday--the oral test for my Speaking Japanese class--and I guess it went OK...but I feel like I studied way more in the rest of the semester than I did for all my mid-terms...anyway, I don't really know how I did. My teacher said "yoku dekita" (よくできた), which means "good job" basically, but I'm not so sure.

I've been trying to write down a lot of vocab words--both in English and in Japanese--but I feel like it's been an off-week for my speaking skills (and definitely listening skills). I hardly understood any of the sermon on Sunday, and on my written mid-term for my Speaking Japanese class that I took today, I feel like I did pretty poorly on the listening comprehension. Uuuuugh.  Idk. I'm frustrated, but determined not to give up. My professors keep using examples like "I'm glad I didn't give up/quit studying Japanese" in our grammar lessons and I think it's actually rubbing off...

But I skipped all the shopping, haha. Saturday I went to Teramachi near Umeda with Kyle again, had some good pizza, tried yakiniku (焼肉)--which is basically just deep-fried chicken (sometimes other meat) with special spices--and bought some more souvenirs. Oh! I forgot--before that, I went to Osaka and got 4150 out of the 4250 refunded for that extra ticket I had to buy back from Hiroshima :) AND I spoke Japanese with the ticket people; that was a good day for Japanese I guess :)

Anyway, today is really the good part. After my test I hopped on the bus to Hirakata-shi-eki (枚方市駅) and caught the train from there to Tanbabashi, then switched lines to go to Toji for a flea market that happens every 21st of every month. But I hadn't been there before, and I only made it to Kujo because I forgot/didn't realize I had to make another transfer before that. So I think I ended up paying an extra 140 yen or so since I got the wrong ticket and was too lazy to try and get a refund, then wandered around an older side of Kyoto until finally I saw the temple from a bridge over the highway (my sense of direction REALLY sucks, I've decided). And when I got there, I thought, 'oh yeah--TOTALLY worth skipping class for'. (Did I forget to mention that? Yeah. No one else wanted to skip their classes, but this was probably my only opportunity to go, and I only missed one class, in which my professor doesn't expect us to do the readings or take notes and just gives us handouts of the lectures summarized...awesome.) I'm not really sure how much money I spent yet, but a bunch of you are going to get awesomely unique presents. So if I don't have lunch money for December, it was worth it ;)

Shoot--I forgot to tell you about the interviews! Well, I interviewed two couples for my anthropology project yesterday (Sunday), and was very happy/satisfied with the results (although I may be in over my head with editing...and I should've done more research...but we'll see what happens). I don't know if any of YOU will get to see the finished project--privacy issues, you know--but at the very least I can say that I've already been educated through this process of filming and interviewing and meeting people from all over the world, from significantly different walks of life (I think).

One last thing for today: as I was leaving the house this morning (or was it yesterday?) and as I returned home today, two different women who live on "my" street said "ohayo gozaimasu" (おはようございます) or "itterasshai" (行ってらっしゃい) and "okaerinasai" (お帰りなさい) to me (in addition to the lady who works as a crossing guard in my neighborhood who always says "itterasshai"). And you probably don't know what those words mean but the point is that people are starting to recognize me, and it's nice to feel welcome, to feel part of the community, even if just a little bit, for a little while.

Tomorrow more adventuring awaits with a sort of "native" festival (if I can call it that) out in the boonies after class--woohoo!

Oh one more thing--stopped for lunch at a kissaten on the way to the temple/market called "Kyoto Ippongi Coffeeshop", and was a little disappointed to find that, while the small places like these are nice and homey, if they're placed near tourist locations or just busy areas of town (hard not to do), you pretty much have to eat and leave because customers are waiting! I really just wanted to sit and write in there all day... :( But not everywhere is like that. I'll find a good one besides Starbucks someday!

Words, Images, Thoughts, Emotions

I've put this off too long. I'm trying out my new reading glasses, it's the first real, beautiful day of Fall weather, and despite all the studying I have to do, blogging—Hiroshima—is more important. While I absolutely appreciate the opportunity I had to discuss everything with Allison on the 5-hour bus ride back to Osaka, I've come to realize that I have to write to really get everything out—speaking is not sufficient.

It's hard to say a day was “fun” when you spent it at an atomic bomb memorial; being late to the one planned event—the testimony of a hibakusha (atom bomb survivor)—because you thought it was NOT in the building you were already in; running to your bus only to find that the paper you have is not a ticket and you have to borrow 4250 円 to buy a new one; leaving half your dinner on a tray and shoving part of the rest in a plastic bag because your bus is going to leave without you if you don't; and arriving at your destination utterly exhausted, only to find you dropped your wallet somewhere. (Fortunately, I have wonderful Japanese friends to sort out the whole mess for me.) When “楽しかったけど、悲しかった” is all you know how to say, it makes sense, but is it true? When you see the physical and emotional damage inflicted on the people and place you've grown to love by the people of your home country, knowing that you're going to return and live there permanently...how do you square with that? When you're filled with anger seeing all the protests made by the Japanese to the Americans, asking them not to drop the bomb(s), and reading the letters of Americans showing no remorse after the fact, how do you ask for peace?

It was the paintings, mostly. The letters. The photos of melted skin on the dead and on the living. They made me want to scream and shout and break things and cry but I didn't, because I couldn't. And going to my anthro class two days later, talking about the ethics of war photography...it made me hate it. The Vietnamese girl ravaged by napalm. How do you stand by and take the photo? Maybe there's nothing you could've done, and in that moment you're just as angry and heart-broken and utterly frustrated that “your people” don't know what's happening, so you take the picture. But why are you there, photographer? Are “beautiful” and tear-jerking and striking photos worth it? I don't think we have the right. I don't think anthropology should even be conducted anymore.

Yet I have a film to make. I'm asking people I barely know, yet who are in Christ, to share their lives with the camera, with my class, with Kansai Gaidai at the very least—maybe the greater public of Hirakata-shi, too. I'm asking them to tell me what sets them apart, or to appear as if they have something in common that we don't. In a way, I suppose they do. I do not come directly from a family who speaks different languages than the one I know, who grew up outside of America, outside of “Western civilization”. What a terrible phrase. But there's an “us and a them” perspective projected on everyone in the process. It seems unavoidable in anthropology. So why can't we all just go out and see the world and have conversations and take it for what it is without analyzing everything “academically” or “logically”? We are all PEOPLE and ONE GOD CREATED US and though it's hard to cope with the differences sometimes why don't we TRY?

Academic writing, grade point averages...maybe at some point we need standards for those people who don't want or don't know how to be motivated; in a perfect world, everyone would just do their best to educate themselves, but that's not the case. In the real world, some people are turned off by education because they haven't been given something “interesting”, and they don't realize they can find that something by themselves. So we give them things to read and problems to solve but why don't they tell us that that's not all there is??

I don't know about school in general, but as far as the “scholarly” essays and articles we read—where 50 words, a semi-colon, a long hyphen and 17 vocab words that are only used by as many people in the U.S. on a weekly basis—it's a bunch of bullshit. If we're trying to educate each other, why don't we try to speak the same language as the people we want to educate? Why don't we make more of an effort?!

I'm not saying “dumb it down”. I of all people feel like I can testify to the beauty of language and everything you can do with it, how it changes over time. But when it gets to the point where the meaning or significance is lost on the reader, it's too much. It's meaningless. Your speech, if you write (speak) in such a way, is pretentious and inconsiderate and it only proves how overrated this “higher writing” is. Don't even get me started on privacy policies and tax forms and legal lingo.

Did you think this post was going to be about my weekend? In a way it is. I the photographer, the writer, the student, still take photos, still write essays about the nature of reality and the relation of life and fiction in [things like] Japanese literature (the name of my class)—themes that I myself don't fully comprehend—and take classes I'm not completely fascinated by. I even skip readings. I don't always speak Japanese [here], I don't always finish my homework, and I snap at people when I'm stressed. I desire physical relationships and satisfaction of the flesh in drinking and eating たとえば, and I get depressed. I never called the woman who lent me her bike on the second day I was here. I didn't try to mingle with EVERYONE on the Shikoku trip as best I could, and I was bitter, at first, about being so late after getting lost and “wasting time” looking for おみやげ that I couldn't get my wallet until two days after I lost it and I had to stay another night away from home. I hate that I had to borrow so much money, even if it will be easy to pay back. I hate that I had two Japanese people—three, actually—say I did something wrong or it was my fault, even if that was true. I still don't want to blame me. In the back of my mind I worry I won't get any of my money back (I still have to go to Osaka or Kyoto). I can't wait to go home where it's safe, where I can ski and wear what I want when I want, eat what/when/where I want, not feel bad about speaking English, not worry so much about money and where/how I can get glasses.

All of these things weigh on my mind. But somewhere in there, I see beauty. Shikoku island is truly beautiful. The udon is delicious like everyone says, and the flea market and the seaside cafe we went to were so warm and charming. The live cranes I saw at Hiroshima, juxtaposed with paper ones. The fact that I could share my heart with Haruka, that the people of this church I attend are not ordinary, simply “nice” people.

By now you probably know where I'm going with this. Everyone, or anyone can say “just appreciate the little things”. But whether those things would be truly there or no without God, I can't be sure, and whatever the “true” reality, I know that for me they would disappear. I don't think anything in my life that is truly good did not come from God. Maybe I still have regrets, but one day I won't. I believe that. And I'm going to keep on living as I do. Struggling and changing and loving and laughing and crying and speaking and writing and reading and praying and arguing and searching and messing up. But I will praise God. I feel it when I sing, when I write, when I can share my deeply personal experiences with another person. It doesn't have to be “about” God, to use the word “God”. It just comes from him, because it is good. Because it is from love.

I really need to recognize that expectations are pretty much unnecessary in life, when you just try your best to be considerate. When things get lost in translation—literally and figuratively—you keep going. You talk about it, you agree or you don't. You move on.

People and circumstances change. People say 'do your best' and at least 'try', or “there is no try” and “be perfect”—but how do you really know when your best is really your best? And if you don't try your hardest or do your best, yet find yourself not unsatisfied with the results, what do you do? I talk to God. I try to be honest with Him, but when He knows me better than I know myself, before and after myself, there's no way to not be honest anyway. He knows. And eventually I'll accept that. At times like those, I praise him. And I think that's enough. We may still feel like we're sort of stumbling through life, but that's okay, because He knows what's going on. If I disagree with Jehovah's Witnesses like the ones I accidentally entered into a conversation with in Hiroshima, or with Mormons or Muslims or Catholics or Jews or Unitarians or Hindus or Buddhists or Shintoists or “free spirits” (in the spiritual sense—a.k.a “anything goes”) or non-heterosexual people, that's it. They;re disagreements. And maybe we keep talking. Hopefully we keep talking. Let's accept each other as fellow human beings at least.

So what is the key? What is the point to this rant? Well, you read it. You decide. That right there is the true beauty of choice. We still have our own minds. We're not blind to the world around us—we all have a way of seeing. We live here. That's just the way it is.

Maybe something amazing will happen in your life. Maybe something traumatic, something you'll never even talk about. It's all part of the human experience. I'm not really trying to philosophize here—these are just my thoughts. Sure, I hope to make an impact on SOMEONE in this life, just like everyone else, but when and where and who and how is probably, in large part, not for me to decide. So why do we have this desire to influence, to impact, on any level? I think we all want to be understood. We want someone to affirm our beliefs by believing it too. We desire relationships, because we were built that way, not to want to be alone. We need each other. So let's acknowledge that and see what happens.

A Good Day to Ride the Bus

It would've been, I told myself, sitting in the McDonald's on campus trying to dry out the contents of my backpack. 今朝大雨が降った. It rained heavily this morning. My passport, Japanese textbook, digital camera (the small one, thank goodness), and journal were among the items that suffered water damage, some worse than others (and apparently the pages of my textbook are made with dyed paper, because there are stains on the pages of my journal and my cardigan, which was also in my backpack). So once I had spread everything out over three-spots-worth of counter space, I went over to the Seattle's Best (same building) and got myself a consolatory latte. Well, this is something to blog about, I thought. And that sort of statement has been coming to mind a lot lately.

wet textbook. nureta kyookashoo.

In fact, I've put off this post for a while now for a few reasons, but mainly because I wanted it to be well-composed, given the amount of things I had to cover (of course I know that's totally counter-intuitive because obviously the longer I wait the more things build up). The other big reason for not writing is that my eyes have been hurting and I've felt nauseous while reading or even looking at a screen of any kind for the past four or five days. I don't feel like my vision has gotten any worse, but it's been a serious problem with all the research and reading and paper-writing and video editing I've had to do lately.

This research and video editing I refer to, of course, is in relation to my visual anthropology (視覚人類) film project, which has recently been complicated. I won't go into detail, because I don't feel it's necessary, but in short, my subject has changed to focus on multi-cultural couples, as I will not be able to film in the church. And you know what? It's a great burden lifted off my shoulders--the worry that, even though I love going to this church in Osaka, I would have another reason for being there that I believe would distract me from God's purpose. Maybe that sounds a little weighty, but the fact of the matter is, I like being free to worship God, and while I like my last project idea, I just think this is better for everyone. And, conveniently, I still get to hang out with the same awesome people and hopefully meet some cool new ones :) Unfortunately, another girl in my class said she wanted to do something multicultural--foreign people in Japan, specifically mixed race, but now it sounds like our plans might overlap too much...and since I've already been blessed with wonderful Christian people willing to help me organize this project, I really don't want to give that up. So I would love for people to pray that this works out. It's a project I'm personally attached to, but I also have time constraints...

Anyway. I'm sorry if this all sounds a little more formal than usual, but I have been swimming in the world of academia a lot lately...

So. Some interesting highlights of the last week or so:

• There's a guy who plays his violin in random places on campus quite frequently, and he's good at it. I love it. I felt really serene or calm or peaceful or whatever word you want to use.
• That reading/writing test I thought I did terribly on? 90.25%. Score.
• I started writing a story. Then I started writing a play. Now I'm thinking of doing NaNoWriMo again. While I'm in Japan. With tons of things to do. Oh dear. But HOO-RAH for inspiration! Finally!
• Went to a kaiten-zushi (回転寿司) place--commonly known as "conveyor belt sushi"--for the first time with three people from the church (which I managed to get to BY MYSELF and on time with only taking one wrong turn, and I got all the trains right).

• One of those people I went with? Taught him how to say "I work at a nursing home". I think it was rather entertaining for all of us :)
• Went to the library for the first time and found the gender-specific "copy corner"; guess they don't want people making out when they're supposed to be making copies...
• Also, Japanese keyboards are different, and they aren't in the CIE building so I hadn't seen them until I went to the library. Which you would love, Reba.

• I went to a hookah "bar" (Cafe Istanbul) and smoked hookah for the first time. Totally overrated, probably won't smoke it ever again, but I'm not ashamed of the experience.
• There's a delicious Indian place called New Dehli right across from campus that, I am convinced, is trying to make me fat.
• I've been spelling a lot of English words wrong since I started speaking Japanese more I think, even though I had two hour-plus conversations with Japanese guys in English this week...oops.
• One of those guys is from Kobe and likes Maroon 5, Jack Johnson, Jimmy Eat World, and Billy Joel, and I feel like his friend (one of the few Japanese people I've met more than once) was trying to set us up. Why do I feel like this is definitely not the worst thing ever.
• I ran for 20 minutes at 5:30 in the morning three days in a row--does that deserve two medium fries, two cokes, and a hamburger from McDonald's on two of those days? Probably not. No regrets.
• Weird/crazy weather is hard to deal with sometimes, but it does awesome things to the sky.

• Apparently I really love Japanese sweet potato everything (セツマイモ、setsumaimo). And rice. This is a good thing. Oh and Asian pears. Thanks Kyle.
• Played guitar with Trevor at 930 on a Monday night under a bridge by the river in Neyagawa near some drunk people. That was awesome.
• Found out my host dad has a guitar but hates practicing it so he keeps it in the "penthouse", which I'm pretty sure is the attic. Got to play it for the first time today. Definitely going to be a regular occurrence. Love it.

• Talked to my lit prof for an hour and half about "my paper", which was mostly him ranting about the problems of structured education. Pretty much all of which I agreed with, but that poor Japanese girl outside that probably thought "a few more minutes" actually meant "a few more minutes"...
• Yukio Mishima was a fascinating human being. Look him up.
• We get cookies in class a lot. That's cool.

Yep. That about sums it up. Imagine if I had tried to work all that in in one well-composed blog post. OVERRATED.

So that's all. I have a poem about Hiroshima to share with you, but I think I'll save it for next time. Expect a serious post. Going to Hiroshima Saturday, Shikoku (island) Sunday. 

じゃあね。（Ja-ne.）

Moments to Remember

(Blogging again already?! Whaaaaat? Yeah, I know. It's awesome.)

*ahem*

That moment when...

• ...you stop to stretch on a run at 530 in the morning, turn around, and your jaw literally drops at the sight of a beautiful sunrise
• ...the only sound you can here is your own breathing as you watch the sky change color
• ...speaking English sounds weird or you totally blank on a simple word because you've been speaking so much Japanese
• ...you interject a short phrase to someone in Japanese and they say 「えっ！日本語OK?」because your pronunciation is so authentic that they think you actually understand everything they've been saying
• ...you find a project worth a significant amount of your time and energy
• ...you realize for the first time that someone genuinely cares about your well-being...because they have the light of Christ

Just had to put that out there for today. Perhaps I will add to this list later.

Change

So, as you might have guessed, things have been picking up around here, and I feel a lot more spiritually and mentally healthy. Also, this is the Sunday of our first "regular" 2-day weekend in a few weeks and I have yet to start my homework, really, which I count as a good sign because it means I'm getting out and doing things :) And man, is that true.

As I related in my last post, last weekend kept me busy enough that I had a little bit of catching up to do with homework this past week (which really just means that I did it at a regular rate like a regular person, reading in the few hours between classes and doing my Japanese homework the night before instead of like 3 days early), so I spent a lot of time with my nose in books and not a lot of time speaking Japanese. However, I got to see some very impressive documentaries--half-hour segments created by graduate students from USC--and hear from the makers, thereby getting inspired to be bold and try my hand at anthropological film-making rather than simply taking photos. Shortly after deciding to make this change, my subject of course changed too, and I intend to make a film on Christian churches (perhaps only one) in Japan.

Speaking of, I was able to adventure to the far side of Osaka with a friend to a tiiiiny church that just started as a branch of the Tokyo Church of Christ. Of course, it was pretty awesome just getting there,starting 15 minutes late, making three or four train line transfers, walking into suburbia from the last one, AND arriving at the church twenty minutes early, but I've gotta say, this friend of mine can really pick 'em (churches). Or God can. Both, I guess, but in any case, we met two other international students at the service, one from America and one from Germany, and they both attend school in Osaka. Also, several members speak pretty good English, and one of the main dudes (still not totally sure of his position) is married to an Australian woman who translated the service for us! Of course, she had two little rugrats to manage during the service as well, so her translations were rather distracted and somewhat simplistic, I felt (because I could actually understand some of the Japanese!), but I was very engaged, for the most part. Also, we got to sing hymns in Japanese (no accompaniment, just a pitch pipe to start), which I actually KNEW in English, and understood some in Japanese! I can't remember the song titles now, but they were famous, and it was all just really exciting :) Then afterward we walked to a nearby supermarket to buy lunch and returned to eat and chat with everybody. There was one guy, Darryl (dunno about spelling), from Indiana, who has lived in Japan the past 13 years or so, and I spoke with him a lot, but I was pleased with the amount of conversation I could make in Japanese (and I think singing the hymns and following along reading the Bible is REALLY going to help that) :)

All in all, it's super exciting, and at the moment at least, I don't even care that it's over an hour away.

But I haven't even mentioned Saturday! Or Friday! Saturday, I went to Fushimi Inari Shrine in the Kyoto prefecture with my Religion class, and even though it kind of seemed like we rushed through it (my professor HAS been there like a million times), it was pretty cool. I read online that it's about 233 meters to the top of the "mountain", where the lower, middle, and upper shrines are located (kind of anticlimactic really), which doesn't sound like much to my fellow Alaskans, but there were a LOT of stairs (kaidan)...and it got pretty hot by the end of it, at 1 in the afternoon.

These orange things are all "torii", a sort of sacred "gate"; at this shrine, these structures are put up when a company donates a large sum of money, which is supposed to be a sort of "guarantee" (as in, if it works great, if not, oh well) of prosperity 

This is the view from the halfway point, I think--at the top, there are too many trees to see anything.

From the other direction, you can see the company names inscribed on the torii

Since Inari is said to be represented by a shape-shifting fox, the ema or prayer boards pictured here are in the form of a fox head (with individual artistic embellishments, of course)

Inari the "fox"

The woodsier section--I like :)

Even at the top of the "mountain" they have these gift/food shops!

Sooo, even though Inari is supposed to be a Shinto god, there are Buddhist statues at Fushimi as well...

Delicious waffle fish filled with custard, cornflakes, whipped cream, and strawberries with chocolate drizzled on top--tourist-y shrines are like state fairs, except better :) (no rides though)

Near the station, post-hike

After touring the shrine, a friend and I wandered around Kyoto looking for an ATM and a got a university crossing guard to WALK us to one like, half a mile from his post...dunno why that's like, okay, but it was really nice :) Then we went into downtown Kyoto and wandered the shops of Gion, and finally ate lunch and had a nice cold beer at a sweet ramen place with really weird music (ill-fitting? idk, a really random assortment).

Part of the autumn middle-school activities, possibly for Sports Day (taiikunohi)? Happened upon it accidentally--forgot the name, but it ends in kai, I think.

Ramen shop :)

Beer and food tickets--you buy them through a vending-machine type thing in front of the store, then hand them to the waiter!

Holy fashion statement.

One of the many shopping districts in Japan (in/near Gion)

The mini cactus I bought at the 100 yen shop! (Yes I know I can't take it home with me.)

Center of the shopping district (they're pretty much village-sized)

But that wasn't all--as tired as I thought I was when I got home around 7:30, I managed to recoup in the next hour and half or so and go out for my first karaoke experience in Japan--MAN is that different. Like, you get your own room, drink all you can (even though I'm pretty sure the drinks are like 90% water), and have to be tech-savvy enough to figure out how to search for the songs/artists you want (or else get one of the hostess people to show you how to work it and speak to you in English, like we did, haha). 1440 yen (about $14.40) for 3 hours and a room, so next time, it probably will be more than two of us...still, 720 each wasn't bad. And we got to sing Avril Lavigne, ABBA, Adele, Aerosmith, Avenged Sevenfold, Snow Patrol, LES MISERABLES, and...well we couldn't really figure out the Japanese ones, haha. Oh and my friend and I made our first Japanese CD purchases, purely based on the cover art and the fact that they were all under 500 yen :) Pretty awesome, haha.

(no pics of this, sorry guys :P)

As I said, though, I haven't done my homework yet, and it's almost 5 o'clock here, so the last thing I'll mention is that my first after-school meeting with my Japanese prof went VERY well--we covered 6 days worth of lessons in 60 minutes :)

So! Life is good. Changes are being made in my relationships and thinking and lifestyle (more running, though not enough to balance out how much I've been eating I don't think, unfortunately), and it's really good. I mean, there are still ups and downs, and there's sadness amidst the joy, but I'm excited about the future. And I hope I can be more coherent next time! Although probably not, haha.

Anyway. Peace out scouts. Mata ne!

Oh! Also--songs that were in my head today: You Get Me - Zoegirl, Stories - Superchick (blast from the past on those two, right?), and Give Me One Reason - Tyrone Wells. Also, Florence + the Machine, all day errday.

That's all for now :)

Waiting for a Train, Perhaps

It's hard to express how grateful I am for the changes that have occurred in me/my life in the last couple of days (it's been a while since I blogged, no?). You see, this past Saturday, I managed to work myself into such a depressed state that I was convinced this whole semester would be something akin to a complete waste--an utter failure. I became self-conscious over the smallest of things and my host mom could tell there was something wrong, as I remained almost entirely mute for the evening (she asked if it was homesickness, then gently suggested I cheer up before she left the house for the evening, and I all but burst into tears as soon as she closed the door). I was just totally in despair. I did "cheer up" in the next couple hours, talked with my host dad and sister, and showed them all the pictures of me in my yukata (kimono) from earlier that day. But as I confided in a friend over Facebook, the "problem" just wasn't "solved" and I was anticipating a total mental breakdown like I'd never experienced before. But then someone prayed. And another person prayed. And I slept for probably 10 hours.

So then it was Sunday. I went for a run, took a shower, had breakfast, read my bible, went out to the local Starbucks with my homework and was delighted and amused to hear some really old American oldies playing. I came home and had a delicious lunch with my host mom, went out again to meet some people at the Hirakata-shi station to go to a soccer game, and got stood up. And then I did something I hadn't been able to bring myself to do since I arrived in Japan--I hopped on a train to Osaka, all by myself.

(fresh off the train--now what?)

Now, I don't know when exactly the change occurred that made it possible for me to brush off such a "slight" (although it's not really their fault--communication is just difficult here) and get excited about doing something like this alone, since I had been so wanting of company, but things only got better from there. Found some nice British people to direct me to Osaka Castle, FOUND the castle (without making any wrong turns), climbed a tree, took some great pictures (even though I forgot both of my cameras and had to use my cell phone), sort of wrote a poem, and found a friend to meet me at the castle.

in the tree :)

Osaka-jo!

 From there we wandered around Osaka, took wrong turns, asked for directions, and finally got to Shinsaibashi, one of the huge shopping districts in Japan. Once there, my friend was able to show me around (having been there before) and took me to an all-you-can-eat dessert buffet called "Sweets Paradise". After that we ended up at the river (can't remember which one) and I was pleasantly surprised to discover that we share a faith. A Christian faith. And in the blink of an eye I looked back through my whole time here and realized that I shouldn't have been surprised, that if I had been God-centered and of what I would call "sound mind" from the beginning, I would have known right away that this was a person I could trust. At one point, as we sat in silence, I said, "I just keep thinking...the world is a strange place," to which my friend responded, "I was just thinking that it's hard to find good friends." But I guess we did.

Maybe this all sounds fairly mediocre, but I believe that God provides. All the time. As a good friend from school back home posted on Facebook today, "God speaks every language, lives in every country, and doesn't need an exchange rate to provide for our every need."

This morning, I woke up to read "Confidence in the Troubled Times" as the title of my daily devotional, then, "Regardless of what today may bring or the trouble you are now going through...your God is stronger than anything in your life. So, be confident!" I mean, wow. There have been numerous messages like this "sent" to me throughout the last month, but now I believe they are finally starting to hit home. And for the first time in about ten days, I wrote a prayer, this morning, that was not a cry for help or one of anger and confusion, but of thanks and hope. That is one good feeling, lemme tell you what.

So naturally, I had a great time going to Kyoto with my speaking partner today to meet his friend for lunch (she even skipped class to stay with us longer because we were late!). And there's probably a lot more I should write, but I just took a break from writing this to go eat dinner (definitely gonna have this food baby that's been growing in the last two days) so I kind of lost my train of thought...

(view from the train to one part of Kyoto)

Anyway. Life is good. I know it still won't always be happy, but I feel a lot better about everything. So thank you to everyone who is "on my side" (there's actually a word for those "type" of people in Japanese that is escaping me right now, but that's pretty cool, right?) and has been praying and who loves me and maybe hasn't told me in a while :) Blessings on you all, and I'll be sure to write again soon. There may also be some fiction (and more poetry) brewing in the near future, another sign of "healing" I believe :)

Over and out.

Rollercoasters

Well. Where to start. Up and down, up and down, always on a rollercoaster...and I'm not sure how much of the fault is mine, or whether it's not about fault but the natural progression of things...God's plan...all these things come to mind. Thoughts come and go and some make it onto this blog. I guess we just have to take things as they come.

So bear with me as I wander with words through the last few days in this post.

Saturday, I woke up and my host family was gone (as planned), expected to be away from the house until 5 p.m. They said I could come to my little sister's school festival later if I wanted, but they would all be occupied with food stands and performances so I would have to "play" with my host mother's friend. For various reasons I declined, and they seemed to be suggesting earlier in the week that I 'needn't be bothered with going' so I didn't feel bad. I didn't end up going to a Danjiri festival (dunno the actual translation or anything, I think it was just something for Shinto) in Osaka because I couldn't/didn't find anyone to go with, but I was soon happy to have the day to myself. Caught up on some reading for school and devotional-type-stuff (although I'm fairly disappointed in my inability to retain any of it and yet somehow still apathetic about digging deeper in the Word), explored the mini shopping district (it's really not a district, you'll see), went to a nearby cafe in the second floor of a grocery store (that allows smoking...), vacuumed my room, took a few pictures, etc. It was a pretty good day, nice weather and all.

Sunday, Kansai Gaidai was hosting an Open Campus Day for local high school students, a big part of which was the "Let's Talk with International Students!" event. I signed up for it a few weeks ago, committing to nothing more than casual conversations (in English) with high school students about Alaska, America, anything they wanted to know. 

Or so I thought. 

It ended up being really fun, of course, but it was more structured than I expected--KG student volunteers ushering high schoolers in and out of chairs in front of each international student every 10 minutes or so--and a few of the students who stopped by spoke basically no English (and some just nodded a bunch and I have no idea if they actually understood anything I said in English). It went a little over the allotted time, but most of us didn't have anything else to do besides homework, so that was okay. Afterwards I went for ramen (real ramen with meat and veggies in it, in a HUGE bowl) and gyoza (basically the same as pot stickers) and kashisu ice cream (sherbet, we discovered after ordering it) which apparently translates to "black currant"... Anyway, aside from the heavy rain fall on the walk to the restaurant and my serious fatigued-ness when I got home, it was a good day. Oh but then my host mom suggested she and my sister and I watch a "3D" remake of the American remake of the original "Ring" movie which was pretty terrible but also creepy enough to make me listen to happy music and read a book and leave the lights on for a while before I went to bed. I just really hate horror movies. I should have said something.

Anyway.

That night I also wrote in my journal about doubts (again). It wasn't an exhaustive list, but it covered a lot in like 2 little pages (in a 4x6" notebook, maybe?), and the next morning (today), what do I read but "God's Will" as the title for my daily devotional; here are some excerpts:

• We're often looking for God's will--especially when we're in a difficult situation. We wonder, What will happen to me here? Should I stay or does God want me somewhere else?
• But you say, "Suppose I take the first step. What will happen next?" That's God's business. Your task and mine is to obey this day and leave the future to him.
• "God knows each winding way I take, / And every sorrow, pain, and ache; / His children He will not forsake-- / He knows and loves his own."   --Bosch(?)

That last one was like a direct response to my prayer last night for God to "Never leave us nor forsake us." It was my way of saying, 'you promised, whether I'm good or bad'. (I wonder sometimes if I behave a little childishly, but I always think of Jesus' request for us to be like children before God...) As happy as I was to hear this, as convicted, I rushed through it in an effort to get to the train station to go on our class field trip to Fushimi Inari shrine in Kyoto (I think Kyoto?). However, there was a typhoon last night/this morning, and there was a bunch of flooding so a lot of trains weren't running, and none were on time. I got less than half way there (and on three different trains, instead of the expected one) before I ended up having to turn back. But I thought hey, probably no one else could get there on time either (or there at all), and maybe this means I'm supposed to stay in today.

Naturally, my friend texted me a copy of an email he received from Kansai Gaidai as I was on my way home, saying 'don't go outside even if the weather looks nice. it's dangerous. kthxbai'. Basically. So I got a lot of homework done today, even went for my first run in Japan (and of course managed to go the wrong way when the path my host mom and I planned was pretty much completely straight), but I can't help but feel like I should have interacted with people more today...my host family members all seemed to be engaged in some solitary activity today, and I still feel like something had to change in our current mode of communication...but I don't know what to do about it/don't want to try and figure it out. Because one would think that honesty is the best policy and asking what a word means any time you don't understand would be a good idea, but it just hasn't worked out. 'Follow God's plan, follow God's plan' runs through my head--well WHAT IS IT? WHY IS IT SO HARD. *Sigh*. I just don't know. This is my life and I have to get used to it. But WHEN am I going to get to Osaka? WHEN am I actually going to get together with all my fellow Gusties? WHY does it seem like everyone is making friends faster and better than I am? WHY do my professors give me so much to read but say 'well, I don't reeeeally expect you to do the readings, but you should.' I mean, wtf. Seriously.

But, I'm ranting. It's 7:40 now, probably getting close to dinner. NOT waking up at 5 am to go "run" (he said walk last time, jog today, and mom said run...what?) tomorrow since I've got a ton of time during the day, but I do have more stuff to get done tonight. Trying to free up time later in the week so I can JUMP at any opportunity to go somewhere with someone that I would want to go with...like Japanese people...

So that's all, for now. Maybe one of these days I'll actually have some relevant pics to put up.

Mata ne.