Rollercoasters

Well. Where to start. Up and down, up and down, always on a rollercoaster...and I'm not sure how much of the fault is mine, or whether it's not about fault but the natural progression of things...God's plan...all these things come to mind. Thoughts come and go and some make it onto this blog. I guess we just have to take things as they come.

So bear with me as I wander with words through the last few days in this post.

Saturday, I woke up and my host family was gone (as planned), expected to be away from the house until 5 p.m. They said I could come to my little sister's school festival later if I wanted, but they would all be occupied with food stands and performances so I would have to "play" with my host mother's friend. For various reasons I declined, and they seemed to be suggesting earlier in the week that I 'needn't be bothered with going' so I didn't feel bad. I didn't end up going to a Danjiri festival (dunno the actual translation or anything, I think it was just something for Shinto) in Osaka because I couldn't/didn't find anyone to go with, but I was soon happy to have the day to myself. Caught up on some reading for school and devotional-type-stuff (although I'm fairly disappointed in my inability to retain any of it and yet somehow still apathetic about digging deeper in the Word), explored the mini shopping district (it's really not a district, you'll see), went to a nearby cafe in the second floor of a grocery store (that allows smoking...), vacuumed my room, took a few pictures, etc. It was a pretty good day, nice weather and all.

Sunday, Kansai Gaidai was hosting an Open Campus Day for local high school students, a big part of which was the "Let's Talk with International Students!" event. I signed up for it a few weeks ago, committing to nothing more than casual conversations (in English) with high school students about Alaska, America, anything they wanted to know. 

Or so I thought. 

It ended up being really fun, of course, but it was more structured than I expected--KG student volunteers ushering high schoolers in and out of chairs in front of each international student every 10 minutes or so--and a few of the students who stopped by spoke basically no English (and some just nodded a bunch and I have no idea if they actually understood anything I said in English). It went a little over the allotted time, but most of us didn't have anything else to do besides homework, so that was okay. Afterwards I went for ramen (real ramen with meat and veggies in it, in a HUGE bowl) and gyoza (basically the same as pot stickers) and kashisu ice cream (sherbet, we discovered after ordering it) which apparently translates to "black currant"... Anyway, aside from the heavy rain fall on the walk to the restaurant and my serious fatigued-ness when I got home, it was a good day. Oh but then my host mom suggested she and my sister and I watch a "3D" remake of the American remake of the original "Ring" movie which was pretty terrible but also creepy enough to make me listen to happy music and read a book and leave the lights on for a while before I went to bed. I just really hate horror movies. I should have said something.

Anyway.

That night I also wrote in my journal about doubts (again). It wasn't an exhaustive list, but it covered a lot in like 2 little pages (in a 4x6" notebook, maybe?), and the next morning (today), what do I read but "God's Will" as the title for my daily devotional; here are some excerpts:

• We're often looking for God's will--especially when we're in a difficult situation. We wonder, What will happen to me here? Should I stay or does God want me somewhere else?
• But you say, "Suppose I take the first step. What will happen next?" That's God's business. Your task and mine is to obey this day and leave the future to him.
• "God knows each winding way I take, / And every sorrow, pain, and ache; / His children He will not forsake-- / He knows and loves his own."   --Bosch(?)

That last one was like a direct response to my prayer last night for God to "Never leave us nor forsake us." It was my way of saying, 'you promised, whether I'm good or bad'. (I wonder sometimes if I behave a little childishly, but I always think of Jesus' request for us to be like children before God...) As happy as I was to hear this, as convicted, I rushed through it in an effort to get to the train station to go on our class field trip to Fushimi Inari shrine in Kyoto (I think Kyoto?). However, there was a typhoon last night/this morning, and there was a bunch of flooding so a lot of trains weren't running, and none were on time. I got less than half way there (and on three different trains, instead of the expected one) before I ended up having to turn back. But I thought hey, probably no one else could get there on time either (or there at all), and maybe this means I'm supposed to stay in today.

Naturally, my friend texted me a copy of an email he received from Kansai Gaidai as I was on my way home, saying 'don't go outside even if the weather looks nice. it's dangerous. kthxbai'. Basically. So I got a lot of homework done today, even went for my first run in Japan (and of course managed to go the wrong way when the path my host mom and I planned was pretty much completely straight), but I can't help but feel like I should have interacted with people more today...my host family members all seemed to be engaged in some solitary activity today, and I still feel like something had to change in our current mode of communication...but I don't know what to do about it/don't want to try and figure it out. Because one would think that honesty is the best policy and asking what a word means any time you don't understand would be a good idea, but it just hasn't worked out. 'Follow God's plan, follow God's plan' runs through my head--well WHAT IS IT? WHY IS IT SO HARD. *Sigh*. I just don't know. This is my life and I have to get used to it. But WHEN am I going to get to Osaka? WHEN am I actually going to get together with all my fellow Gusties? WHY does it seem like everyone is making friends faster and better than I am? WHY do my professors give me so much to read but say 'well, I don't reeeeally expect you to do the readings, but you should.' I mean, wtf. Seriously.

But, I'm ranting. It's 7:40 now, probably getting close to dinner. NOT waking up at 5 am to go "run" (he said walk last time, jog today, and mom said run...what?) tomorrow since I've got a ton of time during the day, but I do have more stuff to get done tonight. Trying to free up time later in the week so I can JUMP at any opportunity to go somewhere with someone that I would want to go with...like Japanese people...

So that's all, for now. Maybe one of these days I'll actually have some relevant pics to put up.

Mata ne. 

Derpy

Yeah, it's not a "real" word, but a classmate of mine used it to describe whale sharks to me on the train home yesterday, as a reassurance after I told her I had a bad dream about sharks the other night (which I've actually had a lot of--not about sharks, just nightmarish things--but that is perhaps a topic for another post, if they continue). It just so happens that I find this non-word a good title for this summary of me and my life in the last few days.

You see, this is what I picture with the word "derpy", after having done a Google search of the word:

(try to forget the human next to this^ guy so he seems smaller and I think you can see why my friend called them derpy)

(my little pony. oh dear.)

So what does this have to do with me? Well, I've just felt a bit ridiculous lately. Last night, for example, I discovered that High School Musical is just as popular with Japanese choir directors, and my imouto ("ou" is always a long 'o' sound in romanized Japanese, or "romaji") happens to be in like four different clubs singing and dancing and acting out various scenes from the first movie. All of this, in English. So I try not to laugh too hard watching my adorable little sister sing in her imperfect English while doing the dance moves I try not to remember from my own choir experiences, and my okaasan suggests that she (Suzu) listen to ME--"a native speaker"--sing it. Except that it was the "Wild--Cats--sing along!" chant part, and I just COULD. NOT. DO IT. But we all had a good laugh despite my intense embarrassment (which was really kind of silly, since my sis was saying "yeah you really go it going on" in her heavy Japanese accent, not knowing what she was singing, I don't think...). So that was a good kind of derpy.

Not-so-good kind of derpy: being sort of pranked by my volleyball team by them telling me the wrong names, at first. I mean, I think it was all in good fun, but I couldn't really tell, and that made it really awkward...I was meeting them all for the first time, there were only four of us gaijin (short for gaikokujin, foreigner) among the 35 (one new guy was from Okinawa though, which is apparently really different, and he was one of the few who spoke pretty good English), and in the group I was with the girls talked REALLY quietly and the guys seemed kind of like...what? You don't speak Japanese? So I mean, it was a good time, I'm definitely going back, but there were a lot of uncomfortable moments where I just felt like a total dork because I was the only one in the dark...idk. Whatever. Still not so bad, right?

Well, the "Rules of Living in Japan" book my host mom handed me at the dinner table made me reeeeally self-conscious about my table manners...which everyone tells me I'm overthinking...but I can't help but be paranoid when all my Western professors are giving us readings that say you have to follow all these complicated rules or you'll REALLY make a fool of yourself! And that's exactly what I feel like I'm doing. All the time. Accidentally recording myself swearing on my speaking homework, being the only one still on the train and having the train conductor tell me I need to get off when I was SURE I was on the same train I always take that goes to my school, not being able to understand a lot of the children's books that my speaking partner took an HOUR to read and "translate" to me...all these things just make me feel DERPY at best and embarrassingly incompetent at worst. I keep telling myself and hearing from others, 'just START TALKING in Japanese. Go meet people.' Well, I have one good day of meeting like 12 Japanese people and adding them on Facebook and writing their names down and I say 'okay, let's take a break.' And then I just get depressed (ochikomu, which I just learned, and of course managed to memorize on the spot...) when I come home tired and can't manage to understand anything my okaasan or imouto say...it's really frustrating. I can say 'I just have to go out there and USE it [the Japanese language] on people' and 'I just have to let God take total control' but putting those two key ideas into practice, it turns out, is a lot harder than just repeating them.

So, there's some more ranting from me. I could go on, but...well...even I get tired of hearing myself talk about my own shortcomings. I feel like I'm trying to do the impossible, but I'm not even sure what the impossible IS. Anyway. Unfulfilling classes are bringing me down, but I did find my first fellow Christians. Expect updates on that development in the future. Next post will probably be Monday or Tuesday.

And sorry I'm so dropping the ball on pictures...check my Facebook.

Failure

I've thought a lot about failure(s), recently. In fact, I started making a list of things I failed at somehow in the last 2 weeks. This is how it starts:

Level 4 Speaking Japanese test: failed.
Speaking Japanese in everyday life: failed.
Securing a part-time job as a writing tutor: failed.
Slurping noodles correctly: failed.
Doing laundry correctly: failed.
Get home without taking a wrong turn: failed.
Getting my first homework assignment in on time: failed.
Praying daily: failed.

And then a certain song "randomly" came to mind just now, a few hours later...
I think this says all there is to say:

"From the Inside Out"
by Hillsong United

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never-ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
in bringing you praise
Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never-ending, your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul
Lord, I give you control
Consume me from the inside out
Let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring you praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

From the inside out,
Lord, my soul cries out.

Doubt

There are many titles I considered for this post, but "doubt" seems to cover everything. Since my last post, I have been very busy. On Thursday I attended 5 classes, the first three of which were all in Japanese, one right after another. I don't remember much about the day except that my Visual Anthropology class was very engaging as we were critiquing each other's photos. Sounds good, right? Friday: dressed nice, got complimented on it, felt good about the two tests I took for language (re)placement, and was very inspired by my literature professor to keep writing and reading and travelling (with no money). Super, right? Well, then, as I was loitering by the mailboxes chatting with my friends for a ridiculously long time about anything and everything, my Level 3 professor arrives and hands me my results directly instead of putting them in my mailbox (they don't have locks, btw). The conversation sort of continues, but my friends are waiting for me to reveal the mystery. The paper reads something like this:


We appreciate your desire to challenge yourself this semester, however, we think it would be best for you to remain in level 3.

SPJ: 3E              RWJ: 3(current section)


I tried to brush it off, really. One of my friends even said "good! Then you won't have to study all the time!" and I laughed and said 'well, yeah,' but as the day went on, the feeling grew worse and worse. I was just plain disappointed. And confused, seeing as how I legitimately thought I did well enough on both tests to merit a higher placement. By now, I'm resigned to it and I don't even really care. Learning Japanese really isn't about language classes. Perhaps that brings me to my next point.

A friend was having a birthday party that night. The friends I had been talking to had been discussing said party and the fact that we really needed to get going so we could freshen up and get back to Hirakata in time. The friend who was having the birthday party was turning 20, the legal drinking age in Japan (not that it's enforced--AT ALL). I'm not one to drink for stress relief, but I wanted to go out with people my age who spoke English well and were going through similar things as me, so I was raring to go. But in my haste to get there "on time", I didn't make time for a real dinner (got some konbini snacks) and we didn't end up leaving until an hour or so after the "appointed" time anyway (this is what happens when no has cell phones or has exchanged numbers). So I'm a little irritated when they make the reservation for the place even later, and the group grows to about 45 people. For better or worse, about ten of us break off with one Japanese girl who takes us to her favorite place, which we fill to capacity with our hodge-podge "mini" group.

It was fun. I had a good time. But then we go to the ACTUAL place and it's like, 10:30, and I probably should have paced myself a bit more. But I don't care. It's loud and crazy and we're eating great Japanese food and weird drinks and theeeeen my instincts are telling me it's time to go. I don't wanna be there if everything goes to crap. So I leave with 1000 yen (cash) to my name and make it home by myself at around 11:55 (I said I'd be home at 11:30, but my host mother was very understanding). Great. Safe.

But totally depressed. And I kept telling myself that it was just the alcohol. Duh. Depressants will do that. But the next day (yesterday), I go shopping with my Okaasan (host mom) for clothes (another source of depression--most people dress pretty nice here all the time. I knew that, but somehow it hadn't clicked), and I sort of get what I wanted (I mean, it was very inexpensive), but it took longer than I thought and I spoke almost no Japanese (another source of frustration/depression). Then we went to a tiny hole-in-the-wall place (like most of them, I guess) for lunch (udon and tempura), and of course it was way too hot like it always is and I suck and slurping noodles and using chopsticks in general, so there was another block on the frustration pile. We got home at 4, I took a three hour nap. Bad choice. Went upstairs to study and get help from my mom. Second bad choice. She's great for confirmation of things and editing my homework, but as far as actual explaining/teaching, I just didn't get it. And then my face starts getting hot and my eyes are turning glassy and there's a catch in my throat and I'm thinking 'oh no. Not now. I don't think I could possibly explain to her why I would be crying.' But I manage to keep my composure long enough to write a few more characters and tell her that I'm going to Skype and confirm dinner after that.

And bless my dear boyfriend's heart for taking his Saturday morning to listen to me complain about everything in my life while being a sniffly mess. Needless to say, things got better after that, but a text from his friend at that moment almost brought me to tears again, for an entirely different reason; it included,

Matthew 11:28&30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ...For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I hurt, and my Father comes to me, one way or another. I doubt, and my Father comes to me. Not everything is explained. I haven't agreed with all of what I've been reading from his Word, lately. But he is still there. And he may discipline, but he doesn't want to see or make me cry. He is not about saying "no" or being wishy-washy, but warning us to be wise. "For the Son of God, Jesus Christ...was not 'Yes' and 'No,' but in him it has always been 'Yes.' For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ" (2 Corinthians 1:19). It is true that if you "do not let wisdom and understanding out of your sight [and] preserve sound judgment and discretion," you should "have no fear of sudden disaster or of the ruin that overtakes the wicked, for the Lord will be at your side and will keep your foot from being snared" (Proverbs 3:21~25). But I'm not doing everything right and I'm not Japanese. I will never be Japanese. But I can try and understand. I can try to be patient and try to remember that whatever happens happens and I am here for a reason. I know a lot of good will come out of it, and some already has, but I do fail and I will fail sometimes. And despite all that we "know", there always seems to be a lot that we can't bring ourselves to do. But there is a God above who loves, who is real, who is THE creator of the universe and the author and protector of my faith. And as long as I can believe that, I'm gonna be okay.

So God, please give me the confidence to try and fail. Your strength to carry on. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And don't ever stop telling us you love us.

When It Rains, It Pours...

...and I make it rain ;) I finally get motivated to study, and I do it for THREE HOURS.

I mean, I guess it should come as no surprise to me that on the day that I'm most in the Scriptures, I get the most done in terms of school. I had 3 Japanese classes today because I'm observing the level above my current one, I just finished studying said Japanese (kanji, grammar, vocab, the whole shebang) for 3 hours, I LIVE in Japan...that's a lot of Japanese in one day. And I don't think I could have handled all that without having some words of truth and wisdom to start my morning off and stick in my subconscious (we'll see if I retained any of it on Friday when I have to take both the level 3 and the level 4 test if I want to move up, which I do because I know I CAN). Here are some interesting things that came to mind as I was reading:

• At Kiyomizudera (the temple) the other day, my Japanese friends suggested that we try participating in a Buddhist (Shinto? I should know which one!) ritual of tossing in some yen and making a bow (there was probably more to it than that, but I wasn't really paying attention). Instinctively, perhaps, I declined "for religious reasons". And I thought it would be horrendously awkward for a while (I tend to dwell on those sorts of things, like being under-dressed for the opening ceremony...still kicking myself?), but soon enough we were on our way chatting and laughing again. Seems pretty banal, right? Well, think what you will, but it occurs to me that even when I'm not conscious of God's presence, the Holy Spirit dwells in me and protects me always; as much as I'm getting to like it here, I'm still not totally comfortable, but then I remember that I've only been here like 10 days and I don't even have a finalized class schedule yet because they just started this week...slow down, right? Anyway, I think it's cool that I can be in Japan and almost seeing what it's like to be  Japanese without God letting me forget his truth.
• Another thing about the Kyoto trip: at one of the shrines (maybe you saw the pictures of FB), an acquaintance and I poured some water over our hands that was supposed to "make us beautiful". I couldn't tell you why I thought that was okay and not the prayer ritual, but maybe it's something about the nature of superstition--for me anyway, I kind of just do it sometimes without really believing. Like wishing on 11:11--now I pretty much just pray at that time if I notice, because it's kind of the same thing only with better results, right? Anyway, I realized yesterday that I was complimented on my dress, etc. by several people on Saturday, and when I met my host parents on Sunday, the first thing my mother (Okaasan/お母さん) said was "かわいいですね", which basically means "how cute/pretty!" Their neighbor also said something to the same effect when I met her that night, and that wasn't the last I heard of it. So after pondering the order of those occurrences, I wonder if maybe, along with all the insecurities of being in a new place (and one in which you're bound to be damp and smelly by the end of the day), I was also in need of some "physical" affirmation, and God was like 'hey, I know you know you don't need some stinkin' Buddhist/Shinto water to make you beautiful, but here's a gift to remind you how awesome everything I created is, including you!' So that was a highlight I guess.
• For your consideration, 1 Corinthians 14:10-12 says, "Undoubtedly there are all sorts of languages in the world, yet none of them is without meaning. If then I do not grasp what someone is saying, I am a foreigner to the speaker, and the speaker is a foreigner to me. So it is with you...try to excel in those [gifts of the Spirit] that build up the church." I suppose Paul was talking about the tongues of "angels", so to speak, but I can read it a little differently here in Japan, I think. Maybe you can too.
• James 1:27 is another good reminder I received today: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."
• Psalm 142:7 is of David, and reads, "Set me free...that I may praise your name. Then the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me." How perfect, that I would read this when I had JUST been given some quiet time completely to myself (an empty house) to sing a little worship, which I realized I had been missing. Also, "the righteous will gather about me because of your goodness to me"...that, I think is a GREAT comfort.

Lastly, just read Psalms 142-145. I was really into those today. And speaking of GREAT...apparently that is one translation of "sugoi/すごい", which seems to have a lot more meaning than I thought...hooray for being confused.

See y'all on the flipside.

P.S. Forgot to mention the real reason for the name of this post, ha. It also rained a TON yesterday and the weather changes faster than any place I've lived in. Like, within minutes. There was something else...I'll have to edit this again later.

Still Clenching

So in my daily Bible-reading, it just so happens that today was the day to read Psalm 139 (among other things), and the verses that stuck out to me were 9 and 10: "If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." I don't know if I had noticed these lines when I named the blog, but I can't believe I'd forgotten about them in any case. While they are comforting words, reading this this morning also reminded me that just because He's THERE doesn't mean we will acknowledge him and accept his help, or the help of others for that matter (through him, perhaps). So maybe that's why, even though it took me like 50% longer than it should have, I successfully made the trek from Gotenyama station to Kansai Gaidai in time for the opening ceremony, and not totally drenched in sweat or rainwater (it's been raining the last couple of days, and you never know if it's going to stop in five minutes or turn into a typhoon in half that time) or out of breath. I asked a very nice man how to get there and he walked with me until I got to a place I recognized. I even walked back with my speaking partner at the end of the day without any help (he doesn't live in the area)! Unfortunately, I rejected my instinct that we were supposed to dress in semi-formal attire for the ceremony and felt seriously under-dressed...and I'd be willing to bet that if I would just let go of my fear and uncertainty and actually surrender this adventure to God COMPLETELY, I would have remembered the memo. I still have to unclench the fist that's holding on to the safety net of the English language.

One thing I will say is that I feel like I've been very optimistic lately, at least in my conversations with other people. It's weird--I feel like I'm giving advice that I'm not taking. I feel like I've been trying to comfort people when I'm not comfortable myself! It's an interesting dynamic, and not one I'm certain I understand yet. Like, I don't know if this is a good or bad thing--do I need to comfort people in order to feel comfortable? At what point should I...well, I guess I just need to start believing that God is really there, that he will really provide, and there's no reason I shouldn't thrive here.

Anyway. You probably want some more details. Well, I met some new people (still not many Japanese, and my conversations with Seiji certainly have not improved yet), had an egg salad-onion-and-ham sandwich in a hotdog bun thing and another cold sausage-relish-ketchup-and-mustard one for breakfast, was somewhat unimpressed with my first class (Religion in Japan), finalized my alien registration/residence card, received my first phone call in Japanese and didn't know what to do, and discovered that the name of the town I live in now (Neyagawa) means something like "sleepy afternoon river".

I think that about covers it for the time being. Now to relieve my headache with either some sleep or the elusive glass of water....
TTFN!

Catching up

Yes, I'm sure we have a lot of catching up to do, you and I, dear reader. All in due time. So much has happened since I arrived in Japan that I don't really want to go back and do a play by play, but here are some photo highlights of the week:

Japan from above!

Rice paddies

Temporary dorm room!

Manju--believe it or not, it's food!

The university computer lab--and you thought this was the age of technology!

Welcome to Kansai Gaidai's Nakamiya campus :)

At Kiyomizudera!

View from the other side (the "Pure Water" temple)

One of the coolest places we went to, and I can't even remember the name! (It was really long.) Something about taking a cable car up a mountain and walking through the forest at night with a lantern in your hand to get to a Buddhist temple is pretty awesome. Literally.

International candy, side by side :)

Rooftop laundering!

So now you have an idea what I've been up to (if you haven't seen all the hundred other photos on Facebook already). As for today (Sunday, the start of a new week), I got up early and moved out of the Seminar House and in with my host family in Neyagawa. It's not too far from school, but I had to get a train pass that cost me 6980 yen (or about that much to get a bike and ride 45 minutes to school...I don't think so. Not with a 9 a.m. class!). I'll be out another 5980 after I pay my family back for the phone I got, too (bureaucratic complications, big surprise, and I still don't quite know if it's exactly what I need). So despite the inexpensiveness of clothing and food, living does seem to be expensive here in Japan. I know it will be worth it, but I think I still have to watch my spending. Hopefully the major fees are out of the way!

Another issue is communication--obviously so, but I also don't remember as much Japanese as I thought I would. Even though the first day with my host family has been good, it makes me sad that I can't seem to communicate with them very much at all because they've done so much for me already, driving me around town and buying me cheesecake and udon and sushi (although my okaasan said she was going to get it anyway).

The last thing I'll mention is that I have yet to make time to really get quiet with God (yes, I do feel a little guilty for writing this instead of talking to him), but I did see a poster in the CIE building on campus advertising an "international" bilingual Christian church that many KG students have attended in the past, so hopefully I get a chance to check that out. 

Anyway, it's about dinner time (8pm now) so I better sign off. I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but I feel like my writing hasn't really sounded like "me" since I got here, so I'll try to be more coherent next time. Classes start tomorrow so hopefully I can comfortable with my schedule quickly so I can really settle into being here AND being me.

Mata ashta! (また明日、until tomorrow, or later!)